We’ve all got our own Steven Orr Spurrier impression.

Even the National Freshman of the Year:

We all saw it.  We all cringed. 

Late in the 56-17 Auburn beatdown of the limp Gamecocks, ABC Sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson launched into a 90 second human interest story on Florida Blinn College Professional Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton and his favorite beverage, “Cammy-Cam Juice.”  The beverage, which Wolfson sampled and described as “too sweet for my taste” (/gets the vapors, faints) has since become the subject of much speculation and internet punditry.

Fortunately, dear reader, we at TRC made contact with our sources (Wikileaks’ Julian Assange, TMZ, Radaronline, and Cosmo magazine (what? – I read it for the surveys)) and can reveal, for the first time anywhere, the actual ingredients in Cammy Cam Juice.  Get pen and paper ready, as you’re gonna need this elixir for your next backyard pickup game:

-    6 ounces of Pedialyte (until Gatorade comes through with enough jack to make your daddy smile)

-    1 splash of Southern Comfort from a discarded paper cup at Victoryland Dog Track

-    2 tablespoons of a strong safeties’ soul (Gamecock preferred, but may substitute toasted Mark Barron)

– 1 cup shredded test answers from University of Florida Professor Renny Niehbur’s Humanities 101 final

-    1 teaspoon of lint from the exhaust fan of a Dell Laptop, which is totally legit, but will be thrown out the window as soon as the authorities arrive

-  1 drop of Felix Felicis, DO NOT substitute Veritas Serum

-   remaining ink from the pen of the CHIO that wrote your essay project in Professor Valerie Schmook’s Introduction to Ethics class

-   1 sprinkle of fairy dust

-   1 teaspoon of Verne Lundquist’s drool

-   1 of SEC commissioner’s gonads (keep the other in your pocket for insurance)

-  $180,000.00

[The proceeding is brought to you by Edelbrock Performance-Plus Camshafts]

And now, instant analysis from the Georgia Dome.

Everything before kickoff:  Didn’t suck.

Everything after kickoff:  Sucked

That is all.  We will attempt to stir up optimism at a later date.  Much later.

TRC will be live from Atlanta this weekend for the SEC Championship festivities.  Buck and T-bone will be attending the SEC Coaches Luncheon on Friday at noon, and Buck and Mrs. Buck will be in the Dome for the title game on Saturday. 

Be sure to follow us on Twitter – @rubrchickens – see link on the right side of this page – for Cam Newton-free tweets and photos.  (If you’re not on Twitter, then first of all, what the heck is wrong with you, and second of all, it’s really easy to get plugged in.)  We hope to give you a good feel for what the weekend is like if you can’t be here in person. 

And, of course, we’ll have blog updates shortly after the game and throughout the next week.

It’s been a while since I’ve filed a Comeuppance Report.  Maybe I’ve been uninspired.  Maybe I’ve been devoid of bad feelings because of our spectacular season.  Maybe I’m just plain lazy (ding, ding, ding!).  In any case, the inspiration hit me today, so here’s a list of who I’m pulling against this week:

Cam “LOOK AT ME I’M CAM!!!” Newton – put me on the hater wagon if you will, but I am plum tired of this dude.  Yes, he’s a supremely talented college quarterback with a hundred-and-eighty thousand dollar million dollar  smile, and according to Auburn folk is a heckuva nice guy.  But his antics were out of hand about right around week four.  The arm flapping.  The kiss blowing.  The dancing.  The picture posing.  The smiling.  Yes, I said it, the smiling.  Don’t confuse joy for the game with nuclear-grade vanity.

Verne Lundquist Haters – on the flip side of the hater wagon, back off of Verne.  He’s in the twilight of a great career, and certainly makes his share of blunders, but his voice is synonymous with the premiere SEC football games each week.  Certain voices evoke great memories for me – Jim Thacker and Billy Packer doing ACC hoops, Skip Carey and Pete Van Wieren doing Braves baseball, Keith Jackson doing football for ABC.  And now, at least for me, Verne IS Saturdays at 3:30.

The Outback Bowl (if we lose Saturday, which we won’t, and is an outrageous assertion but we must consider the possibilities) – before you start yelling at me, hear me out.  I like the Outback Bowl, I really do.  It’s a nice, above average bowl game on New Year’s Day, and beats the heck out of Birmingham.  We’ve had a nice run with those guys, but let’s be honest, the Outback Bowl and the University of South Carolina need a break from each other.  The first alternative is the Capital One Bowl, which I could certainly live with, but in reality is just the older, slightly better looking sister of the Outback Bowl.  The other alternative is the Chick-Fil-A Bowl, which I highly endorse.  Having been to a half dozen Chick-fil-a Bowls, two Chick-fil-a kickoffs, and two SEC Championship games, I can tell you that the Georgia Dome is, surprisingly, a freakishly good venue for a college football game.  The games are always packed, always loud, and always entertaining.  I get the “we don’t want to go there twice in month argument”, but in reality how many people are going to the SECCG?  Tickets are not readily available, and if they are they’re ridiculously expensive.  The Chick-fil-a Bowl would provide the next best thing to the SECCG, a relatively short drive for most, reasonable ticket prices, and a great New Year’s Eve experience.  What’s not to like?

Pollsters – We hammer three bowl teams in a row, and don’t make a move in the polls?  Granted, Florida is not Florida, Troy is Troy, and Clemson is sucks (sorry, using a truth keyboard).  But very few “experts” gave us a shot against the Gators, and the prognostications I saw for last week’s game against CTU were 50-50 at best.  Does the fact that we spanked them mean they suck worse than first thought?  How about a little credit.  Plus, how many times have we gone in against mediocre teams (see: Clemson, every year) and laid an egg?

Southern Cal – Lane Kiffin cannot lose enough.

The People Sitting in Front of Me Saturday at the Georgia Dome – I’m fortunate to have seats in the lower bowl on Saturday, but aside from that I think they may be bad seats.  So it would help me if the people with the tickets in front of me got really drunk at Dantanna’s before the game and decided to watch it at the bar to provide me a better sight line to the field.  Thank you for your consideration.

And last but not least:

AUBURN UNIVERSITY – The bubble bursts on Saturday, War Tigers.

Go Cocks!

Reports that WCCP’s Will Merritt took to the airwaves yesterday and opined that backup QB and latest CTU Savior Will Proctor Willy Korn Kyle Parker Taj Boyd “took over the game” in last week’s 29-7 beatdownof the Tigers sent those of us at TRC back to the game tape for verification. Witness our discoveries:

‘Ownage’ is obviously a malleable term, yet our understanding of the concept doesn’t involve negative rushing yards, multiple turnovers, and a goose egg in the points column.  But to each his own, we always say.

Speaking of Tigers, the Auburn varietals are apparently in full bloom this time of the year. While they have a noxious odor following them, and promise to soon be pruned back significantly, they are still good for occasional displays of crass bravado and unintended irony. Witness this cringe-worthy moment:

We too are aghast, but not in the way you intended

Yes, gentle reader, that is erstwhile professional athlete, and son of a preacherman, Cameron Newton preening along side well-know hitman Nick Fairley in the wake of their improbable come-from-behind victory in the Iron Bowl.  The irony is, of course, that the rest of America has born similiar expressions of incredulity while reading about the exploits of these two players (the words “student-athletes” will not, in this context, make it past my editing software for some reason).

Finally, and only slightly related to the genus Panthera,but has anyone noticed the Person Effect?  You know the Person Effect, don’t you? Its the phenomenon whereby any sporting team covered by former gamecock beatwriter Joe Person suffers dismally through its season. He left the Gamecock beat shortly after drudging up the Whitney Hotel fiasco, and then moved on to cover the once-promising Carolina Panthers. You see where I’m heading with this one (the rooster crows and the sun comes up), but still YOU WERE WARNED CHARLOTTE, YOU WERE WARNED!

Need to get down field and help cover the kick – wha?

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Coach Swinney says I’m as good as half the NFL punters – Wha!?!

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Lets see, she said bread, milk, and OH MY GOD!

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You know what I like?  Soup.  I really really like Soup -Oh Sweet Lord, That Hurts!

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Hey look at me, I’m running really fast, I bet I look like Alshon Jeff-THE PAIN!

 

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So I said, yes Coach, he does look cute in that unifo-SWEET FANCY MOSES!

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Derp, Derp, Derp, Derpity-Derp, ODIN’S BEARD!