We all saw it. We all cringed.
Late in the 56-17 Auburn beatdown of the limp Gamecocks, ABC Sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson launched into a 90 second human interest story on
Florida Blinn College Professional Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton and his favorite beverage, “Cammy-Cam Juice.” The beverage, which Wolfson sampled and described as “too sweet for my taste” (/gets the vapors, faints) has since become the subject of much speculation and internet punditry.
Fortunately, dear reader, we at TRC made contact with our sources (Wikileaks’ Julian Assange, TMZ, Radaronline, and Cosmo magazine (what? – I read it for the surveys)) and can reveal, for the first time anywhere, the actual ingredients in Cammy Cam Juice. Get pen and paper ready, as you’re gonna need this elixir for your next backyard pickup game:
- 6 ounces of Pedialyte (until Gatorade comes through with enough jack to make your daddy smile)
- 1 splash of Southern Comfort from a discarded paper cup at Victoryland Dog Track
- 2 tablespoons of a strong safeties’ soul (Gamecock preferred, but may substitute toasted Mark Barron)
– 1 cup shredded test answers from University of Florida Professor Renny Niehbur’s Humanities 101 final
- 1 teaspoon of lint from the exhaust fan of a Dell Laptop, which is totally legit, but will be thrown out the window as soon as the authorities arrive
- 1 drop of Felix Felicis, DO NOT substitute Veritas Serum
- remaining ink from the pen of the CHIO that wrote your essay project in Professor Valerie Schmook’s Introduction to Ethics class
- 1 sprinkle of fairy dust
- 1 teaspoon of Verne Lundquist’s drool
- 1 of SEC commissioner’s gonads (keep the other in your pocket for insurance)
[The proceeding is brought to you by Edelbrock Performance-Plus Camshafts]