Totally Unsourced Photo, but Hilarious Nonetheless

tennessee-footballisnowhere — "This is Tennessee Football", signed Lane Kiffin /runs for nearest exit

UPDATE!!!: Through the work of our crack team of investigatory correspondents, we here at TRC have verified the authenticity of the above photo, and can also report that UT Head Coach Derek Dooley uses this catchphrase often. Below we offer photographic evidence of six other documented instances of the same or similar phrase. Note the actual quotes will follow the photo montage:

Quotes from Coach Dooley (clockwise from top, left):

1. As I often tell our players, “Opportunity is Nowhere.” Next question, please.

2. [thinking] Where was Opportunity again? With thirteen players in there for goal-line D, it might be Nowhere.

3. Opportunity walks into a bar with Nowhere on its head. Bartender says “What’s with you, bub?” Nowhere says “Eh, having a bad day, ’cause I got Opportunity stuck to my ass.” Hello? Is this thing on?

4. I get this call from Opportunity, so I ask it: Where are you? You know what it tells me? It says “Nowhere.” Next question, please.

5. You see this space between my hands, men? This is Nowhere. And that is where your Opportunity is. OK? Opportunity is Nowhere on three!

6. “GOODSWEETFANCYMOSESDANGNABIT, Do you think you’ve got an Opportunity, son? Well, with play like that, I’ll tell you where your Opportunity is – ITS NOWHERE!

TRC Unleashed, Episode 2 – That’s a Wrap

In case you missed the live podcast last night, the show is archived here:

TRC Unleashed – Episode 2

Topics covered include:

Does Miami deserve the death penalty? Would you party with Nevin Shapiro?
Scrimmage report from the Gman, who says calm down, the offense will be just fine.
Gman and Tbone tell everyone to chill on the Clowney expectations, while I refuse to chill.
The legacy of Steve Spurrier heading into year seven.

Give a listen, and give us some feedback. We’ll be back at it next Sunday.

The Gman Report

TO: TRC

FROM: GMAN

SUBJECT: SCRIMMAGE REPORT

SECURITY CLASSIFICATION: EYES ONLY

Attended the scrimmage this morning as a correspondent for TRC. All in all, the scrimmage was pretty dull. Not much to see. The 1’s didn’t get much work. 21 carried the ball in the goal line drills against the #1 D but did not run in the main scrimmage at all. Never saw Alshon in the actual scrimmage either. Garcia ran with the 2nd team receivers and O-Line in the scrimmage but
did not fare too well.

Here are my general observations of practice in general, including the scrimmage (which was short):

1. Feel better about the kicking game after seeing the kickers. Scribner Howard has a huge leg and is the obvious choice at punter in my opinion. Fish kicked the ball consistently lower and shorter. Fish is a little bit more consistent but S-H looks like he could be a great punter with a little more practice. Wooten is the clear choice at FG kicker. He’s smooth, get’s good elevation on his kicks, and just looks like a college kicker. He kicked off better than the other candidates as well. 5 and 9 are the primary punt
returners and they caught everything. 36 was the deep man on kickoffs and he busted the first one for about 40 yards.

2. The WR and DL positions are the strengths of this team, along with 21 of course. Was very impressed by the young WR’s. 8 (Shamir) looks like a freak athletically. He looks great in drills and you can tell that he knows how to get separation when the ball is in flight. 3 (Byrd) is polished and quick as a dart. Runs good routes and catches well. He and Garcia hooked up twice in the
scrimmage. 80 (Brent) looks good as well. He’s faster than I expected. 24 (Ellington) did not do much. They ran a reverse with him once and it went for a 10 yard loss. As for the DL, those guys are beasts. 6 (Ingram) could not be blocked today. 7 (JC) is as advertised-super quick and strong. In the scrimmage he had a sack and a TFL where he shed the tackle and stuffed the back
right at the point of the handoff.

3. I really enjoyed watching 7 (Carson) and 22 (Wilds) run. Carson is good compliment to 21 as he is cat quick and shifty. 22 is a tough north south guy with surprising moves. He’s about the same size as 21. I see why the staff wanted both these guys. They were underrated coming out of HS in my opinion.

4. You will notice that I’m writing a lot about the new guys as that’s who I focused on (and that’s who played most of the snaps). A. Christian (the other #1) is a player. He had a great pick (elevated to take a jjump ball away) in the drills and almost had another one later. He just looks like a cornerback. Looked like he is the aggressive type. Gilmore looked good with a pass break
up and tight coverage.

5. Shaw did not play. Garcia looked impressive in the goal like 7 on 7 drills. He hit on about 5 consecutive passes for TD’s including a couple to Alshon. 19 (McElvoy) is one big QB. He looked like freshman-a little confused on some plays. He showed some good touch at times.

6. All in all the D was pretty dominant in the actual scrimmage. I think this had to do with who was playing more than anything else.

End of Report

Foto (shop) Friday

Things Readily Apparent (Wherein we say stuff you already knew)

Note to Buck, the second part of the title is meant to be ironic, OK?

While you probably already knew the following:

– Auburn faced South Carolina in the SEC Championship Game last December. ESPN just learned this yesterday.

– Alshon Jeffrey is kind of a big fella. EPSN just learned this yesterday.

– The University of Miami is a rogue institution with a cancerous athletic department. ESPN just learned this yesterday (the rest of the sports media knew for some time, apparently).

– CTU signs under-sized and over-hyped running backs of questionable intelligence and/or morals (oh and they have all the tenacious endurance of warm playdough.

– Danny Sheridan places bets on the Arbitron numbers for Paul Finebaum’s radio show, and when he’s guessed too high he will go to any length to correct his error.

– Nick Saban and the staff are incredible recruiters. So much so that they are able to overcome competing recruiters armed with snake oil disguised as religion (cough, CTU, cough), bags-o-cash (cough, Auburn, cough), and prostitutes (I’m not even gonna cough: MIAMI), and despite image-killing weakness such as this:

– Blog posts that only link you to other stories elsewhere on the interwebs should be called “Daily Links of Interest” or “Today around the ‘Net” or something, and should never pretend otherwise.

Foto Tuesday (Because This Can’t Wait ‘Til Friday)

The Truth About Doug Gottlieb and SEC Expansion

High atop the tallest building in Bristol, CT, Doug Gottlieb slowly and carefully enters the spacious penthouse office of ESPN President George W. Bodenheimer.

DG: You called for me, Lord Bodenheimer.

LB: Ah, yes, Doug. Come in young man.

Gottleib approaches, takes customary position on one knee.

: Lord Bodenheimer

LB: Instead of the usual ring-kissing, do me a favor and lick my boot.

DG: Pardon, sir?

LB: My boot. Lick it. I spilled some hollandaise sauce on it during lunch and haven’t had the time to bend over and wipe it off.

DG licks boot.

LB: No, the other one. The one with the sauce.

DG licks other boot.

DG: Mmmm, tasty sir.

LB returns behind his desk to an oversized throne.

LB: Doug, do you know why I’ve called you here today?

DG: Van Pelt, sir? Has he relapsed?

LB: No, but an excellent guess. Doug, we have a problem, and we need the help of someone who is intelligent, edgy, strikingly handsome, and only has regard for himself and his titanic ego.

DG: Me, sir?

LB: No, Keith Olbermann. But seeing as he is three-quarters of the way up Al Gore’s Current-TV-loving ass, we had to pick someone else.

DG: I’m flattered sir.

LB: Don’t be. I took photos of all the on-air “talents” at ESPN and assembled them on a wall. I then threw a dart from thirty paces. And here you are.

DG: Excellent, sir.

LB: You see Doug, we have a problem, and we don’t like problems at ESPN.

DG: No sir that we do not [fidgets with collar].

LB: It’s Texas A&M, Doug.

DG [shakes fist at sky]: Damn you Aggies! What have they done now, sir?

LB: They’re threatening to leave the Big 12 for the SEC. And we are not amused. It flies in the face of our commitment to rule the northern hemisph…to be the worldwide leader in sports. Texas A&M to the SEC means renegotiated contracts, less revenue for us, cries for a playoff system, and more controversy surrounding the Longhorn network…

DG: Hook ‘em sir!

LB: Hook ‘em indeed, Doug.

DG: But sir, how do I fit into this?

LB: Doug, we want you to go on SportsCenter on Sunday morning, tell the listening audience that you have a “source” that says Texas A&M to the SEC is a done deal. Not only that, but you know for a fact that the SEC is now pursuing – successfully I might add – Florida State, Clemson, and Missouri to form the first 16-team super conference.

DG: I don’t understand sir.

LB: Of course you don’t Doug, you’re an imbecile. But it will serve our purposes insofar that when some SEC member institutions hear this – namely South Carolina, Florida and Georgia – they will enact their Survivor-style pact…and Doug, people will call it that…to prevent any schools from their respective states from entering the conference. This will also cause them to get cold feet about the aforementioned Texas A&M Aggies, and VOILA! No super conference.

DG: Oh, yes sir, I see. You are indeed all-knowing and wise. But, sir, [flinches] if I dare ask: Missouri, sir? Clemson?

LB: Darts, Doug. Thirty paces. Stay with me here.

DG: Yes, sir. But won’t I lose a ton of credibility over this? I have built a pretty decent reputation and on-air persona…

LB: Nooooo, Doug, no, no, no. . . wait, yes, of course you will. You will lose a tremendous amount of credibility. But as long as Scott Van Pelt has full access to Brett Favre’s Vicadin closet, you will always have a place as his primary back-up on his low-rated radio show.

DG: I don’t know sir, this is awfully risky for my career…

LB: Doug, I have two words for you – Chris Berman.

DG: [thunderstruck] Lord Bodenheimer, how could I ever doubt you. [begins slapping himself repeatedly] If you can keep that sweaty man-walrus on the air year after year, you deserve my trust and respect. I’ll do it!

LB: Excelsior! Now get out of my office – oh, and stop hitting yourself, man . . . .after ten more minutes.

Th ESPN Expansion Conspiracy

Throughout the day yesterday the fine folks in Bristol, CT repeatedly reported that TAMU to the SEC was all but a done deal. They also reported, ad nauseam, that Florida State, Clemson, and Missouri were also likely to join. This later report flies in the face of specific denials from all three schools, and both of the targeted conferences.

I’d like to drop a little conspiracy theory on you this morning:

ESPN is trying to put its thumb on the scales of realignment. They are either trying to:

a. Jam the SEC with three member schools that will not increase the conferences media footprint, or

b. Spook Georgia, Florida, and South Carolina into voting TAMU’s membership down by beating the CTU and FSU drum

Why would the network be motivated to do either of the above, you ask?

It’s all about the benjamins. Expansion will cause the network to rework its billion dollar television contract with the SEC. No expansion, or an anemic one, will save the network hundreds of millions of dollars.

Of course, I could be wrong. I also think there are little green men in my toothpaste that are attacking my central nervous system, so . . .

The Skinny on SEC Expansion

The quiet murmurs have become a deafening roar among commentators: The Southeastern Conference is about to expand.

With Texas A&M all but announcing their switch outright, the questions now swirling in the zeitgeist have moved from the Aggies’ membership to some version or the other of “who’s next?”

Based on our extensive list (well, it’s more like a few phone numbers jotted down on a cocktail napkin) of well-connected sources (actually upon review this appears to be a drunken scrawl of a ceviche recipe) we offer the following Insider ™ guide to the potential SEC expansion candidates, in order of likelihood:

Florida State – Let’s be honest, they’ve kinda been in the SEC all along, haven’t they? And their location in that southern Georgia part of eastern Alabama makes perfect geographic sense. Oh and that FSU chick is pretty hot.
Kentucky – they’ve been in the conference for basketball for decades, so it’s a natural fit for them join up as a football school as well, assuming that is, they actually have a football team.
Notre Dame – They’ll have to join the rest of us in the 90s, er 2010s or whatever first, cause we don’t call our lady-folk “dames” around here. But the gold helmets would look good on someone who knows how to play football (we are looking straight at you, Vandy). Oh and the big ol’ Jesus statute looks like the one at Dollywood, so there’s that.
Oregon State – but only if they can be Carolina’s permanent Western Division foe. And if you have to ask why, then I don’t know what to tell you.
Carla Gugino – her name doesn’t really fit, I’ll grant you, but she’s built for a physical style of football. Fast, too.
Miami – Auburn needs a travel partner to and from the detention center. Miami will totally hold your weed for you, Tigs, and has ZERO problem with carrying around loads of cash.
Oregon and Virginia Tech together –throw Carolina in there and you have the legendary culinary treat, the turduckin.
Missouri – not really, that would be stupid, but everyone keeps mentioning them for some reason.
Oklahoma – Hot weather? Check. Traditional Unis? Check. Willingness to blatantly cheat? Check. Oh and Stoopsie wears a visor.
Ohio State – wait that’s a bad idea, since they have an even worse record against the SEC than Southern Miss, Troy, or Memphis.
Texas Tech. Just to get Tommy Turberville back in the conference. Stupid onside kick in the third quarter, dang it. #jugears
TCU – Is there a mascot more tailor-made for the SEC than a daggum frog? Added bonus here is that it would really piss off those losers in the Big East. Oh, we would need to educate the LSU fans that the Superfrog is not actual food.
The British chick from Captain America – but only if Gugino turns us down first.
Memphis – NOT! (HA, I TROLLZ YOU, BLUE TIGERS!)
North Carolina State – hear me out on this one. Yes they suck at everything. But “The Wolfpack” is the batcrap coolest mascot out there. I wish WE were the Wolfpack, for crying out loud. It would also annoy the Tarheels, which is all we’ve been trying to do since the 1970s around here, so . . .
Furman University – For personal reasons. Move along, gentle reader.
Louisville – Someone in the Bluegrass State needs to represent on the gridiron, right? Plus they have a bird mascot, which appeals to me for some reason.
William Shatner – Man never quits. Bad toupee and old as hell, but he’s got like 5 shows on TV right now and a hit music album. If the SEC is going after Arbitron numbers, then look no further than the Captain.
Georgia – we want the Pre-Richt/Donnan/Goff version to rejoin the conference. Remember when the Dawgs were relevant? Me neither.
CTU – cause it makes them so orgasmically happy just to be mentioned in any SEC speculation, and I’m starting to feel this [] much sorry for the miserable little inbred cretins.