. . . dated jerk-wad gamecock web board profile avatar .gif:

So with the end of the year quickly approaching, its time for the inevitable “year in review” lists and videos.  We here at TRC are not immune to the look back temptation, so here is a list of the five stupidest things we’ve heard in and around college football this year (along with an appropriate level of snarky response):

– ESPN’s Mike Belotti at 7:00 minutes mark in SC-CTU football game:  “Wow, the fans are all standing up and its the first quarter.  In all my years, I’ve never seen that happen this early.” [Really, coach?  You haven’t?  I’ve always heard what a dispassioned waste of poll space the PAC-10 is, but never really grasped just how much of a coast-plant that entire region is until now.  You know, we’ve got a name for when SEC fans stand and cheer for the entire game:  its called “Saturday.”]

– Urban Meyer, January 1, 2010 “I plan on being the coach of the Gators.” [On again, off again, the Brett Farve of college football coaches kept what was arguably the premier football program in the nation in turmoil for over a year.  Do you think his ambivalence went unnoticed in the Swamp locker room?  A 7-5 record and Outback Bowl bid argue in the negative.]

– Big Ten Commissioner James E. Delany on division names and logos. “We involved many thoughtful, dedicated professionals and we listened to many ideas from our member schools, alumni and fans.” [Professional whats?  ‘Cause it ain’t looking like you used professional graphic artists or advertising execs.  Maybe you used washed-up corporate team building consultants.

– Anything Dabo Swinney said on a daily basis, and probably before he walked outside to pick up his copy of Grit Magazine, but most particularly this gem: “You turn on the TV and watch any NFL football, there’s some bad quarterbacks in that league,” Swinney said. “Some bad ones.  They’d have a hard time beating out Kyle Parker.”  Actually, upon rereading this quote with a full season of Kyle’s body of work now in, Dabo may have meant this as the ultimate slam on how mind-blowing bad some NFL QBs are.  Otherwise, Doooh!]

-  Kevin Lennon, NCAA vice president for academic and membership affairs: “Based on the information available to the reinstatement staff at this time, we do not have sufficient evidence that Cam Newton or anyone from Auburn was aware of this activity.”  [This may not be stupid, but it is mind-rapingly naive.  My youngest son is only 9 years old, and even he knows when Daddy gets paid.]

The resemblance continues to freak me out.  Coach Boom just adds to the creepiness:

Some say there are too many bowl games.  Too many games resulting in mediocre teams matching up in contests completely devoid of passion and intrigue.

Well, I disagree, and right strongly at that.  In fact, over the next fortnight or so, I intend to give you, gentle TRC Reader, a preview of each of the upcoming gridiron classics, with in-depth analysis that will prepare you for maximum viewing pleasure throughout 2010 edition of bowl season.

First up we have the New Mexico Bowl, matching Brigham Young University against the Fighting Miners of Texas El Paso.  Hold on a sec., that would be a pretty good movie, wouldn’t it?  A period piece, maybe, with original Mormon John Smith or John Standish or whatever his name was leading his struggling band of settlers west  . . . and into a grip of a bunch of ghoulish miners seeking to devour all things living.  Kind of like Pirates of the Caribbean meets the Donnor Party, right?  It would totally work.  I can already picture Matt Damon in the role of John Calvin (no wait, that was the Presbyterian guy -  whatever) sweeping in to rescue his endangered lady friend, played by the always-radiant Scarlett Johansson.    Wow, that would be AWESOME.

Next, we have the Humanitarian Bowl, featuring the Bulldogs (maybe?) of Fresno State against the werewolf-looking things of Northern Illinois.   Hey, speaking of humanitarians, you know who does a lot of charity work?  Scarlett Johansson, that’s who.  She’s a big donor to Oxfam, which fights hunger in oxen or something – but anyway its totally cute that she does that sort of thing; it shows she’s down to earth, in touch with the common man so to speak.  I appreciate that, since I’m sort of a common man, myself.  And I don’t mind telling you that she could get in touch with this Common Man anytime she wants!  But anyway, back on point: what I wonder is when’s she’s all in India feeding those oxen, I wonder if she gets all smelly and dirty.  Even if she does, I bet she still looks AWESOME. 

Wrapping up the weekend’s games is the New Orleans Bowl, pitting the Ohio . . . uh, I’m gonna go with Bobcats, against the Trojans of Troy.  I saw the movie, Troy, by the way, and I thought that the casting was horrible.  First, Brad Pitt came across as WAY effeminate, and I just don’t think of Achilles as a teenage girl.  But even worse was the casting of Helen, the legendary “Face That Launched a Thousand Ships.”  It was some mealy-mouthed girl who looked like she was snatched from the lunch shift at Hooters.  She couldn’t launch a chicken-fingers basket if you ask me.  You know, and I hate to keep coming back to her, but the only girl I know who deserves the Thousand-Ship-Launching title is–you guessed it– Mrs. Scarlett Johansson.  And it ain’t just her face that causes me to want launch either, mister (if you know what I’m getting at). 

And, I hear she’s SINGLE AGAIN!

 [next week: The St. Petersburg Bowl, featuring Louisville versus Southern Miss.  Wait, Southern Miss!  You know who’s a hot Southern Miss, don’t you?  Salma Hayek? That’s RIGHT!]

The Big 10 11 12 Ten revealed its new logo this morning.  The graphic, which must have taken-at a minimum-three minutes of thought and effort, is already being described as “awful”, “pathetic”, “confusing”, and “evoking the sheer futility inherent in all of man’s endeavors.”   [ok, the last one is mine, but still]

We here at TRC decided to offer  our own considerable artistic energies to the Big Ten in the hope that a better logo can be developed.

So, after the jump, we present you with the new, New Big Ten Logo.   You’re welcomed in advance, Big Ten:

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We’ve all got our own Steven Orr Spurrier impression.

Even the National Freshman of the Year:

We all saw it.  We all cringed. 

Late in the 56-17 Auburn beatdown of the limp Gamecocks, ABC Sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson launched into a 90 second human interest story on Florida Blinn College Professional Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton and his favorite beverage, “Cammy-Cam Juice.”  The beverage, which Wolfson sampled and described as “too sweet for my taste” (/gets the vapors, faints) has since become the subject of much speculation and internet punditry.

Fortunately, dear reader, we at TRC made contact with our sources (Wikileaks’ Julian Assange, TMZ, Radaronline, and Cosmo magazine (what? – I read it for the surveys)) and can reveal, for the first time anywhere, the actual ingredients in Cammy Cam Juice.  Get pen and paper ready, as you’re gonna need this elixir for your next backyard pickup game:

-    6 ounces of Pedialyte (until Gatorade comes through with enough jack to make your daddy smile)

-    1 splash of Southern Comfort from a discarded paper cup at Victoryland Dog Track

-    2 tablespoons of a strong safeties’ soul (Gamecock preferred, but may substitute toasted Mark Barron)

– 1 cup shredded test answers from University of Florida Professor Renny Niehbur’s Humanities 101 final

-    1 teaspoon of lint from the exhaust fan of a Dell Laptop, which is totally legit, but will be thrown out the window as soon as the authorities arrive

-  1 drop of Felix Felicis, DO NOT substitute Veritas Serum

-   remaining ink from the pen of the CHIO that wrote your essay project in Professor Valerie Schmook’s Introduction to Ethics class

-   1 sprinkle of fairy dust

-   1 teaspoon of Verne Lundquist’s drool

-   1 of SEC commissioner’s gonads (keep the other in your pocket for insurance)

-  $180,000.00

[The proceeding is brought to you by Edelbrock Performance-Plus Camshafts]