Bowl Me Over, or Why I’m Watching This Weekend’s Bowl Games

Some say there are too many bowl games.  Too many games resulting in mediocre teams matching up in contests completely devoid of passion and intrigue.

Well, I disagree, and right strongly at that.  In fact, over the next fortnight or so, I intend to give you, gentle TRC Reader, a preview of each of the upcoming gridiron classics, with in-depth analysis that will prepare you for maximum viewing pleasure throughout 2010 edition of bowl season.

First up we have the New Mexico Bowl, matching Brigham Young University against the Fighting Miners of Texas El Paso.  Hold on a sec., that would be a pretty good movie, wouldn’t it?  A period piece, maybe, with original Mormon John Smith or John Standish or whatever his name was leading his struggling band of settlers west  . . . and into a grip of a bunch of ghoulish miners seeking to devour all things living.  Kind of like Pirates of the Caribbean meets the Donnor Party, right?  It would totally work.  I can already picture Matt Damon in the role of John Calvin (no wait, that was the Presbyterian guy -  whatever) sweeping in to rescue his endangered lady friend, played by the always-radiant Scarlett Johansson.    Wow, that would be AWESOME.

Next, we have the Humanitarian Bowl, featuring the Bulldogs (maybe?) of Fresno State against the werewolf-looking things of Northern Illinois.   Hey, speaking of humanitarians, you know who does a lot of charity work?  Scarlett Johansson, that’s who.  She’s a big donor to Oxfam, which fights hunger in oxen or something – but anyway its totally cute that she does that sort of thing; it shows she’s down to earth, in touch with the common man so to speak.  I appreciate that, since I’m sort of a common man, myself.  And I don’t mind telling you that she could get in touch with this Common Man anytime she wants!  But anyway, back on point: what I wonder is when’s she’s all in India feeding those oxen, I wonder if she gets all smelly and dirty.  Even if she does, I bet she still looks AWESOME. 

Wrapping up the weekend’s games is the New Orleans Bowl, pitting the Ohio . . . uh, I’m gonna go with Bobcats, against the Trojans of Troy.  I saw the movie, Troy, by the way, and I thought that the casting was horrible.  First, Brad Pitt came across as WAY effeminate, and I just don’t think of Achilles as a teenage girl.  But even worse was the casting of Helen, the legendary “Face That Launched a Thousand Ships.”  It was some mealy-mouthed girl who looked like she was snatched from the lunch shift at Hooters.  She couldn’t launch a chicken-fingers basket if you ask me.  You know, and I hate to keep coming back to her, but the only girl I know who deserves the Thousand-Ship-Launching title is–you guessed it– Mrs. Scarlett Johansson.  And it ain’t just her face that causes me to want launch either, mister (if you know what I’m getting at). 

And, I hear she’s SINGLE AGAIN!

 [next week: The St. Petersburg Bowl, featuring Louisville versus Southern Miss.  Wait, Southern Miss!  You know who’s a hot Southern Miss, don’t you?  Salma Hayek? That’s RIGHT!]