It may be common knowledge that CTU Head Cat, Dabo Sweeney, used to be a Condo Salesman, but what is not widely known is that he also used to wrestle professionally under the alias “Osiris Portal.” We here at TRC have uncovered archival footage showing Dabo in action. Note his signature ability, which evidently still works on some naive out-of-state recruits.
Couple of things to watch:
– Not sure whether or not his partner is Chris Rumph, but its possible.
– Brad Scott does a disturbing strip-tease at the 1:35 mark – MY EYES!
So the nation’s number one recruit, Jadeveon Clowney, landed in Clemson, SC for an official visit this weekend. I’m concerned, or course, but not because the CTU crowd will be just as happy to negative recruit the kid to Bama as they would be to sign him outright. Instead, I’m concerned that Clowney might be swayed by the Tiger’s newly acquired mascot.
New mascot you say? Why yes, I answer, and posit the following video evidence for your consideration (before you watch, two things; 1) that’s not a litter box, that’s Littlejohn Colliseum, and 2) you aren’t hearing Russian, that’s just what really inbred mountain folk sound like):
Now that we are through with football season, (and the Golden Globes), and are quickly approaching Oscar time, we here at TRC thought it might be a good idea to give you a quick review of each potential 2011 Best Picture Nominee:
The Tourist (Sony Pictures): The nation’s consensus #1 recruit, Jadeveon Clowney, visited Cola back in November, is close with many current Carolina players, has a close relationship with Coach Johnson, and has purportedly been leaning toward the Cocks for months. Time to commit and help us recruit? Naw, he took a visit to Alabama, has others trips on tap for Florida State and C.T.U., and is making noise that he might hold off on signing day so he can visit elsewhere in February.
Burlesque (Sony Pictures): Pops Frisby in his comeback role (I mean really, how old is that dude? Gross.), and Mike Bellamy playing Mike Bellamy as a Prima Donna of a dance troupe? No thanks.
The Kids Are All Right (Focus Features): Hey, things are not all black and white, ok? Sometimes you’ve got to give people latitude and let them live their lives, you know? I can’t tell you why Devin Taylor, a DE, is back in coverage, and I can’t explain why Melvin Ingram, a DT, is standing up and coming off the edge. Broaden your mind dude, stuff like this is happening all around you all the time. Geeze.
Black Swan (Fox Searchlight):We’ve seen your Black Swan, Stephen. And then we’ve seen your White. Try to even them out a little, eh Garcia?
The Fighter (Paramont Pictures): This movie was not reviewed as Chris Culliver is no longer with the program.
Red (Summit Entertainment): No, it’s not red, it’s Garnet. I don’t care what friggin Lou Holtz says in The Blind Side. It’s Garnet. Oh, and Helen Mirren is older than my mother, but is really, really hot. I feel all weird inside.
Inception (Warner Brothers): Let me help you out with this one: It was all a dream. Maybe even you- right there in the theater watching the flick- are just a waking dream. It’s not so hard to imagine, really: The sheer apocalyptic impossibility of the ’84 Navy faceplant just adds credence to the premise.
The Social Network (Columbia Pictures): Ok, here’s the deal: Cecil Newton asked for $200K in cash for Cammy Cam’s sig. Then he offered the Bizarro Dawgs a 10% discount from what he said Auburn was willing to pay. The Bizarro Dawgs refused, so Cammy Cam signed with Auburn. Think Cecil got a big ol’ smile on his face?
Alice in Wonderland (Walt Disney Pictures): To illustrate how far down the rabbit hole we are, we quote the HBC: “Coach Beamer has done a great job coaching special teams. But we’ve got to find a way to get him some better players.”
The King’s Speech (The Weinstein Company): /grins “Well, it is what it is.” /smacks gums “You saw it, didn’t you?” /finger-parts hair “Well, anyway . . “ /sucks on teeth.
A few snarky things from the snarkverse, snarky, snark, snark:
– Florida GatorBlinn Human BeingMississippi State Bulldog Auburn Tiger quarterback Cam Newton announced today (via his employer) that he was turning pro. To say that Cam is turning pro is kind of like saying I’m turning straight (uh, I should probably add here that I’m legally married under the laws of the State of South Carolina and have two kids).
– Kentucky Wildcat WR/RB/QB/PR/Compliance Officer/Spokesperson/Equipment manager/Halftime Choreographer/Tax Preparer Randall Cobb is leaving the Cheesy Biscuits of Lexington’s Red Lobster (DRI -17) behind and will enter the NFL draft. No real snark here, just a silent ‘thank you’ to the Almighty that we’ve seen the last of #18. /arms raised and swaying.
– CTU, looking to plug holes left by rats jumping from a sinking ship staff changes, unveiled three new members of its coaching staff: A wide receiver coach that was selling tires three years ago to coach running backs, the leader of the powerhouse Duke Blue Devil Dline, and an offensive coordinator that coached high school football less than 18 months ago. Asked to comment on the additions, Head Coach Dabo Swinney, in classic erudite fashion, said the hires were “big” and listed the other coaches he considered. [note: the other dropped names gave no corroborating statements.]
– South Carolina Wideout Demario Bennett is transferring to Coastal Carolina. In a related story, South Carolina apparently had a wide receiver named Demario Bennett.
– A reader named Ty Seale took issue with a previous TRC post, Cecil In Da House #CashMoney, so he took to twitter to offer his reasoned critique, which we reproduce here in its entirety:
We here at TRC are open to your input and thoughtful analysis. Accordingly, we’ve readdressed the Cam Newton-Paid Athlete-Auburn University-Tainted Temporary Championship-Business As Usual-Lack of Institutional Control-Impending NCAA Probe Scandal with another, more carefully produced, effort:
The Rubber Chickens Blog 