Its not Insider Information, but it sums up where we should be as fans better than anything I’ve read this week.  So to ‘scarolinaguy’ on GCC, we give a tip of the cap, and a promise for free beer upon future meeting:

[Garcia] has had some shaky times at USC but the guy knows how to win
football games. Garcia has taught us fans what winning the big games feels
like. We can talk about Petty, Ellis, Tanneyhill and them all but no other
quarterback has won the big games like Garcia nor will have won as many
games. He has beaten the teams that at one time we as fans just wanted to
be competitive with - some like a drum too. There is only one team that
we haven’t beaten yet in the SEC and that’s Auburn. . . . No other quart-
erback in our universities history has beaten the teams Garcia has beaten
and if there is one quarterback past or present that I would gamble with
on beating Auburn or any other team its Garcia. GO GET IT DONE! I AM
BEHIND YOU BROTHER!! ADD ANOTHER TEAM TO YOUR BEATEN LIST! I think we
need to show him some loyalty and back our quarterback. HE IS OUR BEST
CHANCE AT WINNING THE BIG GAMES! He is the only one who has showed us it
can be done at USC!

I live amongst these ill-bred orange-loving heathens and have, over the painful years, developed certain defense mechanisms for handling the unfortunate encounters with representatives of this particularly vile and delusional fan base.  Here, for your edification and instruction, is a sample of my most effective strategic approaches, along with the moniker I use for each as an aid to memory.  I recommend any and all of the following for your immediate and repeated use (or at least until CTU faceplants its season yet again):

The Newry Damn – You should act concerned, rub your chin and look forlorn.  Tell the CTU fan that you personally witnessed Coach Swinney yell vile profanities in public the other day, and you are concerned that his well-manicured image is all a sad and crumbling facade.  Feign concern for his wife and children.  Say this all happened in a BILO (this detail is REQUIRED and will severely deepen the horror for the fan) and in front of children who were distraught.  President Barker has called The AD, you understand . . .

The Spiller – So named as an homage to the patron saint of overhyped and unrealized potential, C.J. Spiller.  This method involves faux-concern on your part over the condition of the tender heel bone of Andre Ellington, and speculating on the latent defects in nonexistent MRI’s that caused the Seminoles to back off during the recruitment of Sammy Watkins.  Oh, and the punter keeps getting clobbered.

The Seneca Steamer – This strategy involves dumping on every opponent they have beaten thus far – which is usually a simple and effective method to thwart the fan’s ridiculous enthusiasm.  Be warned, however, that our Chickfila Bowl misadventure last winter, coupled with a sudden rash of Seminole injuries this fall,  have negatively impacted the efficacy of this approach. (Although you will notice that I turtled a back door Seneca Steamer in the middle of the last sentence.)

The T. Ed Garrison Arenal – Insist that all CTU cheerleaders are corpulent bovine swine, and that this fact is generally acknowledged by all.  Take the purportedly overwhelming physical evidence one step further and insist that the fleshy sweathogs are the results of bizarre crossbreeding experiments  conducted by the CTU School of Agriculture.  When excited, they secrete a milky substance from between their fingers, toes, and multiple skin folds – WHERE DO YOU THINK ALL THAT CLEMSON BLUE CHEESE COMES FROM, BUBBA????

The Calhoun Corners –  Insist that according to high ranked SEC sources, the ACC almost collapsed last week, and FSU, CU,  and GTech all still want out.  The SEC wouldn’t take any of them because of The Gentlemen’s Agreement (in effect, SC blackballed Clemson).  UConn, Syracuse, whatever, are all desperation moves, and show that the ACC is: #1 a basketball conference from here on out, and #2 now overrun by Yankees.  Either of these details will cause the CTU fan you are dealing with to gasp, swallow his dip, and begin ripping the hair out of his back in frustration.

The Tillman  – We all know that CTU fans are obsessed with the concept of a so-called “Chicken Curse.”  They will mention the purported curse at any possible opening.  Turn it back on them with the following pseudo-history, which they will be too dense to refute:  “You see, when Pitchfork Ben Tillman made the deal with the Devil that led to the Curse on Carolina, it provided that bad luck would follow the Gamecocks for one hundred years.  That time expired on October 31, 2009.  The devil is in the details so to speak, because what Pitchfork Ben didn’t know was that the Curse now rebounds on Clemson College for the NEXT one hundred years.   Enjoy 98 more years of persistent and heart-breaking beatdowns, Clemmer!”

The Howard’s Rock – When you first see (or smell) the CTU fan approaching, pull out a ten pound sledgehammer, swing it above your head and hit YOURSELF in the head as hard as you can muster.  Now this may result in an extended hospital and/or psychiatric ward stay but either is preferrable to the toothless/brainless/deoderant-less conversation you were about to experience.

The Danny Ford – Once a cheater alway a cheater.  Talk about the fact that CTU really never won the MNC, and that their most beloved coach of all time is widely regarded as one of the crookedest recruiters in NCAA history.  Also, and this is paramount to success for this method, mention towel bars, jet skis, and photos of recruits with cash over, and over, and over, and over.

The Mac’s Drive-In – At the earliest possible break in the conversation, claim you have a bathroom emergency and sprint away as fast as you can.  Understand that “bathroom emergency” is not a term that the CTU fan will recognize, so use a baser and more scatologically descriptive name for it, but you get the general idea.  Also recognize that the fan is himself probably wearing Depends undergarments (if you are LUCKY), so this method has its limitations.

The Daniel Lyin’ – Make up random facts, such as “Clemson has an all-time losing record against every BCS conference except the ACC,” “Chad Morris is the leading candidate for the New Mexico job and has family out there.” or “Kevin Steele was once a porn star who operated under the name ‘Tigh Cheeks.‘”  It doesn’t matter how outlandish the lie, because as we’ve mentioned above, the nutjob you are dealing with probably doesn’t have the noodle to recognize even the most basic of subterfuge.

I hope you find these strategies helpful.  This is, or course, not an exhaustive list, and your own additions are welcomed.

In case you haven’t heard, the Gamecocks will be rocking an alternate uniform for the Auburn game.  The unis are being worn  in support of the Wounded Warrior Project, an important charity if ever there was one, and are completely badass:

Yes, I agree:  Auburn will take one look and run back into the locker room.  /bows head, /offers silent, earnest prayer

Regardless, our nonexistent sources within the football program tell us that other, more esoteric, uniform options were considered before UA and the AD settled on the Wounded Warriors.  As a benefit to you, our loyal readers, we share ten of the other potential Gamecock Unis, with pros and cons for each:

Option 1:

 PRO:  Marked Tactical Advantage

CON:  Shoulder cannon also serves as tackling handle.

PRO:  Doubles down on the “warrior” motif.

CON:  Awkward Stan Lee Cameo

PRO:  Alternate Energy Source (AES)

CON: AES might be an impermissible benefit

PRO:  Would add a physical element to Jay Wooten’s game

CON: Post-game shower confusion:  This is exactly  what Jadeveon Clowney looks like naked.

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Option 2:

CON: Basically a clown suit.

PRO: There is no Pro.

CON: Looks like Halloween got sick and vomited on a high school player

PRO: THERE IS NO PRO!

CON: Only effective if you play in the weakest division in the weakest BCS conference

PRO: /head explodes

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Option 3:

PRO: Sponsorship dollars from Target could help offset old luxury hotel room bills.

CON: Not the exact shade of Garnet we wear, I know.

PRO: Might (I said MIGHT) improve quarterback efficiency (we are willing to try anything at this point).

CON: Also gives would-be tacklers something to aim at.

PRO:  Would annoy our Mercantile Overlords at Walmart

CON:  We all work for the Mercantile Overlords at Walmart now, or at least need fishing tackle.

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Option 4:

PRO: Tap increases speed and damage.

CON: Further aggravates ongoing feud with ugly CTU Pigs (OK, cheerleaders).

PRO: Comes in green, red, black, and white – all with unique abilities built in.

CON: Indistinguishable for Oregon uniform combo 6b.

PRO: Fists included

CON: Two faces – IT HAS TWO FACES YYIIKKKEESSSSAHHHHHH!!!

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Option 5:

PRO and CON:

I JUST POSTED A PICTURE OF KATE WINSLET AND YOU ARE STILL THINKING ABOUT FOOTBALL UNIFORMS????

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Option 6:

 Did you say unee-form?

[This is intended as a palette cleanser after the Winslet pic]

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Option 7:

 PRO: Endorsed by both the Vatican and the Crash Test Dummy Association (this is a comment on DESIGN, not on religion, geeze)

CON: No reasonable individual would wear or suggest that someone else wear this monstrosity – WHAT? someone did and a bunch of other people went along with it????

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Option 8:

 PRO: Low uni number, looks fast, looks strong

CON: For some reason, no one is allowed to wear this one.

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Option 9:

 PRO:  Generates pre-game buzz.

CON:  On the field performance quickly quiets said buzz.

PRO:  Reminds us all of the lesser known Arena League warriors that toil away in obscurity.

CON: Made Boise State nationally legitimate.

PRO: Tradition, Schmaschition

CON: FAKE PUNT FAKE PUNT FAKE PUNT FAKE FAKE FAKE!  AHHH DAMN IT! /Hairy Dawg covers head

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Option 10:

CON:  May get tangled during Buck Sweep exchange.

PRO:  Makes you completely unfathomable to Florida’s Coach Boom.

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In the end, I think the AD made a good choice.

So we’ve defeated the Pirates and the Midshipmen, and the Commodores are next up.  This nautically themed start to the 2011 season is as good an explanation as any as to why I was wicked seasick for the entire Georgia tilt.

With that said, some other news and notes from out and about:

The Expanding Universe:  The latest intel has Missouri and Texas A&M to the Southeastern Conference and GOSH DARN IT, I JUST FLUNKED GEOGRAPHY, AGAIN.   If this turns out to be true (btw, odds of anything on the internet related to expansion being factual are 1 in 6.022 x 10 to the 23rd)  then we here at TRC feel assured that the SEC will stop at 14 (take THAT conventional wisdom!).   OOOrrrrrrr Oklahoma is in the process of executing the greatest head fake in the history of sport and will be #16 to Okie State’s #15.

Almost heaven . . . West Virginia:  Have you ever seen a game of musical chairs?  Well, the music is about to stop, and The Eers are the thick-rumped kid that can’t even begin to find a chair.  Rejected by the SEC, sure – who hasn’t been, right?  But rejected by the ACC in this panicked expansion environment?    BWAAAHHHAAAAA  [ points at nearest hillbilly ]  BWWAAAHAAHAA.

Hyman To UNC, Per Source, Done Deal, Bank On It, JMHO, OK, I Have No Idea:  TRC responds to this welcomed news thusly.  Wait, you say he’s doing an unprecedented good job?  STOP BURDENING MY UNINFORMED PRECONCEPTIONS WITH YOUR ANNOYING AND GERMANE FACTS.

You Complete Me:  We here at TRC have consistently predicted the quick demise of Dabo Swinney.  His sudden hackneyed passion for all things orange (he even made out with the freaking rock that everyone rubs – eeewwww) was bad enough, but he was also obviously overcoaching whenever the camera pointed his way – wild, easy to understand gestures and slowly-mouthed words designed to show the viewing audience how engaged he was in – I don’t know – redneck excellence, I guess.   Regardless, his latest spastic scream fit was too authentically junior high to be contrived, and so we hereby reverse ourselves and pronounce that Dabo Swinney is the Most CTU Coach, Ever.  Here’s a health to you Dabo, may you ride the Big Tractor forever.

Heisman Campaign, U R DOIN’ IT WRONG: Alshon and Marcus both now have USC-owned websites promoting them for postseason accolades.  This is a grand and overdue idea, but the execution is a slow-loading rehash of old season ticket campaigns.  Oh, and Alshon’s Accomplishments tab is blank – BLANK!  The SID should at least mention that #1 isn’t pumping anyone’s gas, for crying out loud.

Hurts so Good: So the NCAA finally issued its Notice of Violations in the Whitney/SAM Foundation nonsense, and two things immediately happened:  All CTU fans began doing the funky chick. . .er, tiger, and all Gamecocks fans began to turtle into their all-to-familiar-but-not-recent-used shells.  In contrast, our editorial stance on NCAA investigations can be summed up in one word: GOOD!  No one has ever investigated a school that loses all the time, so we must be doing something right.  Scrutiny comes with success, folks, so take the news and wear it as a badge of honor:  We’re kicking some tail on the gridiron now, and folks are getting nervous.  Oh, and if you want an object lesson, drive by Memorial Stadium up in Pickens County and see if a little thing like a major NCAA slamfest caused the ‘necks to take down that thirty-year old MNC banner.

TRC Emmy Fashion Update:  Not really, but we need some reason, no matter how contrived, to post a link to a picture of Christina Hendricks.

Shuffleboard:  The week’s roster news:  Vic Hampton is active and should see some snaps (Jimmy Legree silently-points-at-the-sky-while-not-hitting-anyone in approval). DL Moore is either hurt or he isn’t, but ain’t on the depth chart either way.  Oh, and the HBC doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, but you might find yourself riding the pine this week.

Finally, its Vandy week which always makes me think of Syvelle Newton and his shredded achilles strap. What a game he was having when he blew it out, ‘member?  Well, since the internet overlords apparent have outlawed clips of the ’06 Vandy game, we close in #13’s honor with this (oh, and yes it adds to the experience to pretend the cameraman is any of the following: Ron Morris, Cecil Newton, or Craig James):

A Few Midweek thoughts as we prepared for the Midshipman:

Copycat:  No, I’m not referring to CTU (although as we’ve mentioned before, everything they do is about as original as Chek Cola).  Instead I’m referring to the Coach Spurrier’s press conference assertion that the way to defend the option is the way that option teams defend the option when they play other option teams.  Or something.  It wasn’t really clear to me, but I kinda felt like the HBC shouldn’ta aughta said it.  Well, anyway . . .

Run to the ball:  Sort of the goal on defense, right?  Well, not this week for the Carolina.  Coach Johnson has our guys going through their practice paces without a football, in order to stress the importance of staying with their assignments.  This should be a surprise to noone, as several of our secondary guys have been playing without balls for a couple of weeks now.

1984:  Its never going to stop, is it?  References to that Navy game from almost thirty years ago are at a fever pitch right now, despite a wide range of facts that show its complete irrelevance.  It was a game with different coaching staffs, different schemes, different players, and a completely different athletic environment at The USC.   It happened before any player on either side of this week’s tilt were even born (Wait, Frisby’s gone, right??).  We’ve played, and soundly defeated, the Midshipmen two times since then, and WE LOST ANOTHER GAME THAT YEAR, PEOPLE!  But still the ghost of that game is ressurrected again and again.  Maybe the only way to kill the legacy of that old Navy game is to score 84 points on them this weekend.  So there, that’s the goal.

Volleyball:  You ever play volleyball?  Me neither.  But when I’ve been forced to do it by gym teachers or bikini clad beachgoers (what, it happened.  Once.), there is often this rotation thing after each point – you know the server moves over to his/her left and someone else moves back to serve and so forth, right?.   Well, that’s the Carolina defense.  Despite spending all spring, summer and fall training our old starting free safety to play strong, starting strong safety to play backup spur, and starting spur to play backup linebacker, we’ve apparently decided to scrap the whole exercise and move everyone back.  For now at least.  Maybe.  Actually, the volleyball analogy doesn’t work as you can’t give up 79 points in two games of volleyball.

Meme Watch:  As followers of TRC will probably remember, I occasionally (and unsuccesfully) try to force a viral happening on the Gamecock Interneteratti.  For example, I just created the word “interneteratti.”  Please use this term frequently from now on.  You are welcomed.  In the same vein, I’ve been troubled by the lack of a nickname for recently-recognized National Player of the Week, Melvin Ingram.  I know his odd combination of size, speed, power, girth, and athleticism makes him a difficult player to categorize for the coaches, but as fans let’s settle on something to call him, at least.  Accordingly, I hereby suggest we refer to #6 as “Boomstick” hereinafter and forevermore.  This moniker appeals both to the nerdy B-movie afficionado in me, and also succinctly captures his manly essense.  There, I’ve done it, prepare to be overrun by Boomstick references, sportsworld.

Tribble in Pickens County:  If you haven’t been exposed to the CTU handwringing over former third string QB Tribble Reese and his pregame antics last week, then do yourself a favor.  First, visit Tigernet, use your fake handle and password (admit it, you have one) and spy on the meltdown.  Next, read the media coverage of the event that is linked therein.  Then, read the Athletic Director’s response, wherein he asserts that Coach Dabo Swinney was not aware of the entire affair.  Finally, look at this picture FROM THE FREAKING EVENT showing just how unaware Dabo must be to claim to be unaware.   Oh, and visit Tribble’s own website, which was obviously written by Tribble himself (preview: he likes him some Tribble).

Pro Combat Unis:  I AM NOT ACKNOWLEDGING THAT THESE THINGS EXIST.

Most awesomely ridiculous drawing of football players with mascot heads I have ever seen:

Couple/three points:

– Yeah I know it’s from last week, and that this is THIS week, and Boise/UGa stuff is old news, but I see what I see when I see it.

– The drawing is from ESPN the Magazine, I think, so h/t to them I guess.  BUT, I don’t think the artist knew what the BSU mascot is.  The thing drawn here looks like a weird Toad Demon, with a Steve Taneyhill mullet.  Actually, maybe Boise should consider going with this over their banal Bronco.  THE BOISE STATE WEIRD TOAD DEMONS WITH STEVE TANEYHILL MULLETS TAKE THE FIELD!!!   It could work.

– Oh, and why is the thing breathing fire?  I can believe that horses and dogs can be dressed up to look like football players, but the fire nostrils tell me it was a Lord of the Rings nerd pushing the ink pens.

– Is that lightning or slobber coming out the dog’s mouth?   I would go with slobber, since that’s the closest to bulldog reality (I’m talking about the mascot, NOT THE FANS, geeze people!), and it would be a good rock-paper-scissors answer to the flaming nostrils, but its gotta be lightning, right?  Otherwise The Mothership is betraying a huge bias in favor of BSU and against the SEC, and that can’t right, can it?

– The dog is kneeing the flaming toad monster in the groin, which, as we all know from hard experience, is an accurate portrayal of Georgia sportsmanship.

– The toad monster and the dog are apparently fighting over a giant ear of corn.  What’s strange here is that neither dogs or toads eat corn as best as I can remember.

– Why is the dog wearing a kilt and knee-high socks?  Is Georgia Scottish in some way I’m not aware of?

– Upon reflection, the unis on both of these animals are far superior to the ones worn by either side in the game.

– The pawhands on that dog make me sad inside – it looks like the poor little thing is too tired and abused to even lift them.  Actually, if you saw the game, this is the most accurate thing about the whole drawing.

Maybe, just maybe, the SEC will avoid expansion again (yes, we get the irony of a SC blog objecting to expansion, WE GET IT).

But if we do avoid destroying everything we ever loved about the SEC, it might be because of the loveable, precocious Baylor Bears.

In celebration, we offer the following:

[by the way, NEVER Google "dancing bear" unless you have your filter
 on high.  Trust me, and you're welcome.]

I was a boy of nine (almost ten), and it was getting dark.

You might think the next sentence is going to involve me playing happily outside and being called reluctantly in for supper, but I’ve left out two very important details:

It was New Years Day, and I had just discovered college football.

I wondered through our family’s den with a sketch pad tucked under my arm and several pencils in my hand. Not sure where I was going, but I was probably looking for a quiet spot to draw pictures of myself driving life-sized versions of my matchbox cars, which was a favorite pastime of mine in those days.  Regardless, my dad called me over and explained to me that the football game on television was called the Orange Bowl and that I should watch it.

He told me that one of the teams belonged (that’s my memory, but probably not his exact words) to Burt Reynolds, the guy who drove the Firebird in Smokey and the Bandit.  That detail caught my attention, as I had a matchbox black Camaro that I pretended was the Bandit from time to time.  I ran and retrieved my “Bandit” then plopped down in front of the TV to draw myself and Burt in the car.

But the game drew me in, and before I knew it, I was trying to draw a football helmet instead of a Pontiac.

I don’t remember any major details of the game, other than the Oklahoma Sooners won over the Florida [State] Seminoles.  This made me happy, because the nickname “Sooners” sounded immediate and exciting to me, and I had no idea what a Seminole was.  I also remember that the Sooners threw the football to each other with a frequency that apparently surprised my dad, and that the Seminoles didn’t seem very good at tackling.

I spent the rest of the evening in front of the television, drawing scenes from the New Years bowl games (I think the rest of the games were over at this point, but I may not have understood highlights versus live action).  My dad told me that Clemson lost to Baylor the night before, which made me happy, even though I didn’t really know why (my main aversion to Clemson in those days was the sweat-stained tigerpaw t-shirts of the grimey schoolyard bullies).  He also told me that South Carolina lost to Missouri a couple of days earlier.  This was an absolute affront to my sensibilities and seemed like a painful reliving of the Civil War (which I was also slightly obsessed with at the time).

I learned from the announcers that New Years Day was the best day for the very best teams to play, and that the season would be over as soon as the Orange Bowl game finished.

Season over already?
But I just got interested!

It didn’t matter as it turned out, because I was already hooked.  I read everything I could about college football from that point on, and began keeping a scrapbook of my new favorite player, a running back for South Carolina named George Rogers.  A lot of people in the paper and on
television thought George Rogers was going to have a big year in 1980, and it would turn out that they were right.

But I remember the anticipation of that spring and summer as I waited and waited for college football to start up again.

I get that same excited feeling each year, although my distractions from the games are no longer just drawing paper and matchbox cars.  Now work issues, social obligations, weddings, and even funerals (not my dad’s yet, thank God) crowd college football from my mind for much of the year.  It doesn’t help that the innocence of college football seems as distant as that Orange Bowl from days gone by, what with most converage of college athletics nowadays being about impermissive benefits, conference realignment, off-season arrests, and ESPN-fed profits.

But gentle reader, another season of college football is about to kick off, fresh and new.  And despite the sport’s many flaws, it still draws me in.  I’ll be watching the South Carolina Gamecocks from the stands this weekend, accompanied by my two sons.  One of them just turned ten.

I have no idea how the season will develop, whether one team will throw the ball too much, or if the other team can tackle.  And I don’t really have any firm idea about how the Gamecocks will fare.

But a lot of people on the internet and on television think a guy named Marcus Lattimore is going to have a big year in 2011, so we all need to temporarily put down whatever else we are doing and watch.

Here’s to a great 2011 football season!