Ten Alternate Unis That Didn’t Make the Cut

In case you haven’t heard, the Gamecocks will be rocking an alternate uniform for the Auburn game.  The unis are being worn  in support of the Wounded Warrior Project, an important charity if ever there was one, and are completely badass:

Yes, I agree:  Auburn will take one look and run back into the locker room.  /bows head, /offers silent, earnest prayer

Regardless, our nonexistent sources within the football program tell us that other, more esoteric, uniform options were considered before UA and the AD settled on the Wounded Warriors.  As a benefit to you, our loyal readers, we share ten of the other potential Gamecock Unis, with pros and cons for each:

Option 1:

 PRO:  Marked Tactical Advantage

CON:  Shoulder cannon also serves as tackling handle.

PRO:  Doubles down on the “warrior” motif.

CON:  Awkward Stan Lee Cameo

PRO:  Alternate Energy Source (AES)

CON: AES might be an impermissible benefit

PRO:  Would add a physical element to Jay Wooten’s game

CON: Post-game shower confusion:  This is exactly  what Jadeveon Clowney looks like naked.

.

.

Option 2:

CON: Basically a clown suit.

PRO: There is no Pro.

CON: Looks like Halloween got sick and vomited on a high school player

PRO: THERE IS NO PRO!

CON: Only effective if you play in the weakest division in the weakest BCS conference

PRO: /head explodes

.

.

.

Option 3:

PRO: Sponsorship dollars from Target could help offset old luxury hotel room bills.

CON: Not the exact shade of Garnet we wear, I know.

PRO: Might (I said MIGHT) improve quarterback efficiency (we are willing to try anything at this point).

CON: Also gives would-be tacklers something to aim at.

PRO:  Would annoy our Mercantile Overlords at Walmart

CON:  We all work for the Mercantile Overlords at Walmart now, or at least need fishing tackle.

.

Option 4:

PRO: Tap increases speed and damage.

CON: Further aggravates ongoing feud with ugly CTU Pigs (OK, cheerleaders).

PRO: Comes in green, red, black, and white – all with unique abilities built in.

CON: Indistinguishable for Oregon uniform combo 6b.

PRO: Fists included

CON: Two faces – IT HAS TWO FACES YYIIKKKEESSSSAHHHHHH!!!

.

.

Option 5:

PRO and CON:

I JUST POSTED A PICTURE OF KATE WINSLET AND YOU ARE STILL THINKING ABOUT FOOTBALL UNIFORMS????

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
.

Option 6:

 Did you say unee-form?

[This is intended as a palette cleanser after the Winslet pic]

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
.

Option 7:

 PRO: Endorsed by both the Vatican and the Crash Test Dummy Association (this is a comment on DESIGN, not on religion, geeze)

CON: No reasonable individual would wear or suggest that someone else wear this monstrosity – WHAT? someone did and a bunch of other people went along with it????

.

.

.

.

.

.

Option 8:

 PRO: Low uni number, looks fast, looks strong

CON: For some reason, no one is allowed to wear this one.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Option 9:

 PRO:  Generates pre-game buzz.

CON:  On the field performance quickly quiets said buzz.

PRO:  Reminds us all of the lesser known Arena League warriors that toil away in obscurity.

CON: Made Boise State nationally legitimate.

PRO: Tradition, Schmaschition

CON: FAKE PUNT FAKE PUNT FAKE PUNT FAKE FAKE FAKE!  AHHH DAMN IT! /Hairy Dawg covers head

.

.

.

Option 10:

CON:  May get tangled during Buck Sweep exchange.

PRO:  Makes you completely unfathomable to Florida’s Coach Boom.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

In the end, I think the AD made a good choice.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Ten Alternate Unis That Didn’t Make the Cut

  1. buck says:

    Hmmmm…Buck Sweep, eh? Tell me more, I’m intrigued.

Comments are closed.