CTU Fans, A Survival Guide

The inexplicably good beginning for the 2011 Clemson Tiger football season creates particularly acute problems for many Carolina fans.  The average CTU fan has been relatively quiet for the last two years, but is now energized beyond all sanity after a couple of improbable gridiron victories.  When confronted with one of these obnoxious fans, the immediate reaction (after “Ugh, what’s that smell!” and “Wait, did I just somehow accidentally wander into a Dollar General?”) is a desire to end the conversation in as satisfactorily quick a method as possible.
Note: reference to Orlando is based on the mistaken assumption that the BCS championship is always played at Disney World

I live amongst these ill-bred orange-loving heathens and have, over the painful years, developed certain defense mechanisms for handling the unfortunate encounters with representatives of this particularly vile and delusional fan base.  Here, for your edification and instruction, is a sample of my most effective strategic approaches, along with the moniker I use for each as an aid to memory.  I recommend any and all of the following for your immediate and repeated use (or at least until CTU faceplants its season yet again):

The Newry Damn – You should act concerned, rub your chin and look forlorn.  Tell the CTU fan that you personally witnessed Coach Swinney yell vile profanities in public the other day, and you are concerned that his well-manicured image is all a sad and crumbling facade.  Feign concern for his wife and children.  Say this all happened in a BILO (this detail is REQUIRED and will severely deepen the horror for the fan) and in front of children who were distraught.  President Barker has called The AD, you understand . . .

The Spiller – So named as an homage to the patron saint of overhyped and unrealized potential, C.J. Spiller.  This method involves faux-concern on your part over the condition of the tender heel bone of Andre Ellington, and speculating on the latent defects in nonexistent MRI’s that caused the Seminoles to back off during the recruitment of Sammy Watkins.  Oh, and the punter keeps getting clobbered.

The Seneca Steamer – This strategy involves dumping on every opponent they have beaten thus far – which is usually a simple and effective method to thwart the fan’s ridiculous enthusiasm.  Be warned, however, that our Chickfila Bowl misadventure last winter, coupled with a sudden rash of Seminole injuries this fall,  have negatively impacted the efficacy of this approach. (Although you will notice that I turtled a back door Seneca Steamer in the middle of the last sentence.)

The T. Ed Garrison Arenal – Insist that all CTU cheerleaders are corpulent bovine swine, and that this fact is generally acknowledged by all.  Take the purportedly overwhelming physical evidence one step further and insist that the fleshy sweathogs are the results of bizarre crossbreeding experiments  conducted by the CTU School of Agriculture.  When excited, they secrete a milky substance from between their fingers, toes, and multiple skin folds – WHERE DO YOU THINK ALL THAT CLEMSON BLUE CHEESE COMES FROM, BUBBA????

The Calhoun Corners –  Insist that according to high ranked SEC sources, the ACC almost collapsed last week, and FSU, CU,  and GTech all still want out.  The SEC wouldn’t take any of them because of The Gentlemen’s Agreement (in effect, SC blackballed Clemson).  UConn, Syracuse, whatever, are all desperation moves, and show that the ACC is: #1 a basketball conference from here on out, and #2 now overrun by Yankees.  Either of these details will cause the CTU fan you are dealing with to gasp, swallow his dip, and begin ripping the hair out of his back in frustration.

The Tillman  – We all know that CTU fans are obsessed with the concept of a so-called “Chicken Curse.”  They will mention the purported curse at any possible opening.  Turn it back on them with the following pseudo-history, which they will be too dense to refute:  “You see, when Pitchfork Ben Tillman made the deal with the Devil that led to the Curse on Carolina, it provided that bad luck would follow the Gamecocks for one hundred years.  That time expired on October 31, 2009.  The devil is in the details so to speak, because what Pitchfork Ben didn’t know was that the Curse now rebounds on Clemson College for the NEXT one hundred years.   Enjoy 98 more years of persistent and heart-breaking beatdowns, Clemmer!”

The Howard’s Rock – When you first see (or smell) the CTU fan approaching, pull out a ten pound sledgehammer, swing it above your head and hit YOURSELF in the head as hard as you can muster.  Now this may result in an extended hospital and/or psychiatric ward stay but either is preferrable to the toothless/brainless/deoderant-less conversation you were about to experience.

The Danny Ford – Once a cheater alway a cheater.  Talk about the fact that CTU really never won the MNC, and that their most beloved coach of all time is widely regarded as one of the crookedest recruiters in NCAA history.  Also, and this is paramount to success for this method, mention towel bars, jet skis, and photos of recruits with cash over, and over, and over, and over.

The Mac’s Drive-In – At the earliest possible break in the conversation, claim you have a bathroom emergency and sprint away as fast as you can.  Understand that “bathroom emergency” is not a term that the CTU fan will recognize, so use a baser and more scatologically descriptive name for it, but you get the general idea.  Also recognize that the fan is himself probably wearing Depends undergarments (if you are LUCKY), so this method has its limitations.

The Daniel Lyin’ – Make up random facts, such as “Clemson has an all-time losing record against every BCS conference except the ACC,” “Chad Morris is the leading candidate for the New Mexico job and has family out there.” or “Kevin Steele was once a porn star who operated under the name ‘Tigh Cheeks.‘”  It doesn’t matter how outlandish the lie, because as we’ve mentioned above, the nutjob you are dealing with probably doesn’t have the noodle to recognize even the most basic of subterfuge.

I hope you find these strategies helpful.  This is, or course, not an exhaustive list, and your own additions are welcomed.

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