It’s been a while since I’ve published The Comeuppance Report, where I occasionally take time to spill my pent up anger and bitterness all over your computer/iPad/iPhone screen (God forbid you have an Android-based phone, ick.)

Maybe all this positivity from back-to-back national baseball titles or the fact that we are the favorites to repeat in the East have softened me up a little. But over the past week my anger and frustration have risen to a point where I can’t stay silent any longer.

So, without further ado, here’s who I’m pulling against this week:

Clemson Tiger University (CTU) – This seems obvious, and quite honestly CTU could make the CR every week in perpetuity, but the difference this week is the team they are playing – Auburn University.  TRC has not withheld our disdain for Auburn or how they obtained their so-called “National Championship” or for their “Heisman Trophy winner”, “Cam Newton”.  However, for one week we will pinch our noses, roll up our pants, and wade into the cesspool that is this contest, and pull for the Tigers without the lake. Maybe this will keep CTU fans from calling themselves “this year’s Auburn”, which is sickening on multiple levels.

Tribble Reese – Speaking of Clemson Tigers, this guy is one of the great tools of his generation.  I’m sorry Tbone brought him to our attention yesterday. People like Tribble (that CANNOT be his real name) are why I’m building my son a bomb shelter and stocking it with enough food to wait out the nuclear winter. 

The Naval Academy – My family and I Army people, bottom line.  When it comes to football, Navy can suck an egg, I don’t care for ‘em.  Plus, I don’t really get all the 1984 references.  Decent album, but the bottom line is Van Halen got away from their roots, and quite frankly sold out from that point on. There, I said it.

Florida State – Anyone with fans who would do things like this deserve whatever bad things come to them. I hope Oklahoma knocks them back into 2006.

Mississippi State – The SEC already has enough good teams. I want LSU to break their spirit tonight so they can slide back into the lower third of the SEC pecking order where I like them. That’s going to be a tough game for USC come October.

Nike Pro Combat – I’m not against uniform changes. Actually I think freshening the look of your unis every few years is a good idea. Not everybody can be Alabama and Penn State. But Nike is completely out of control with the Pro Combat nonsense, and now they’re dragging Under Armour down with them (see:  Maryland). Fabricating some sort of heritage or tradition to showcase your designers’ talents is overly self-serving and borderline manipulative. (So we’re a couple of weeks late on this, what do we look like, professional writers? Don’t answer that.)

University of Texas – Now that the smoke is clearing, people are starting to see who the real bad guy is in this whole conference realignment quagmire, and it ain’t Texas A&M or Baylor. We can only hope Texas gets left out in the cold when all is said and done, but that’s just wishful thinking. All the loads of Longhorn Network cash will be completely worth the university’s reputation gone to crap. Let this be a warning, Alabama, when ESPN comes knocking on your door.       

UGA  – More air time for David Bennett of Coastal Carolina can only be a good thing.

Whew! I feel renewed!

You’ve seen it, but have you really SEEN it. The fake punt executed by South Carolina on Saturday is magical, and not just because of what happens between the time the ball is snapped and the time 6’2″, 270-pound Melvin Ingram passes over the Georgia goal line.

It’s the small things that happen before, during and after that make it so very entertaining.

(Before we get into it, let’s just get it out there that it’s the greatest fake punt in the history of South Carolina football. Granted, I have done zero research on this, and the only other fake punt I can even think of is Ryan Succop’s accidental fake punt against Mississippi State in the first game of the 2006 season. But I’ve made my mind up, and refuse to be dissuaded.)

We’re going to walk through the video above to point out why this two minutes and fourteen seconds is so gloriously entertaining, but first let me set the scene for those of you who may have been in a beer- or bourbon- induced stupor.

Georgia had scored a touchdown to take a 13-7 lead, and followed that up with what was very nearly a successful onside kick attempt.  Unfortunately for UGA, Baccari Rambo (the guy who doesn’t think Marcus Lattimore is that tough) was offsides by a shoelace, and after the re-kick USC ran three plays and faced a fourth down from their own 32-yard line.  UGA used a timeout with 2:20 left in the half.

We’ll pick it up as ESPN comes back from commercial break (time code is from the YouTube video above):

• 00:00 – Mark Richt’s seventh choice for defensive coordinator, Todd Grantham, is getting in the face of some UGA offensive linemen before they go back on the field. Grantham is the stereotypical loud-mouthed, red-faced, verge-of-a-stroke coordinator that can’t understand why his players aren’t half as dedicated and/or intense as he is. I can only imagine what he is saying to his barely interested players, “WE GOT YOU THE BALL BACK YOU SORRY SACKS OF @$&#%$!!! NOW GET OUT THERE AND DO SOMETHING WITH IT!!!” This, in addition to his mini-fued with the HBC last year, makes what’s about to happen so much sweeter.
• 00:12 – By now the Gamecocks have seen the defensive/return alignment they were looking for, and the fake is on. I wish I knew what that was, but I only coach third-graders, and the UGA alignment looks pretty darned normal to me.
• 00:14 – Ingram takes the direct snap. Joey Scribner-Howard peels off to the right, as does the gunner, Stephon Gilmore, who takes two unaware UGA players with him. The right side of the line blocks as normal, while the left side gets on the outside shoulders of their men to create the hole for Ingram.
• 00:15 – Human tank Byron Jerideau takes aim on the one Bulldog the Gamecocks expected to be unoccupied. I can’t make out the number of the UGA player, but he’s small, so he takes the route of self-preservation and hits the deck when he sees Jerideau coming. Justice Cunningham is trailing Ingram, and I’m not sure if this is by design or if Ingram just got out of the blocks faster than Cunningham.
• 00:17 – Ingram is in the clear. At this point I’m thinking “first down, awesome”.
• 00:18 – Brandon Boykin, after briefly thinking “I got this”, has his life flash before his eyes and brain screams “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD NOOOOOOO!!” The future NFL cornerback hits the deck as well.
• 00:19 – Melvin Ingram direct quote, “Why would a little guy like that try to tackle me up high?”
• 00:21 – Unlike Jimmy Legree later in the game, Devonte Holloman says to self, “Whoa, he might score, I better block somebody.”
• 00:24 – Approximately ten seconds after the start of the play, Melvin Ingram scores from 68 yards out. Actually, he takes the snap at the 25-yard line, so he covers 75 yards, makes two guys miss, and outruns the last guy.  270 pounds. Full pads. All in ten seconds.
• 00:25 – Reggie Bowens strut.
• 00:27 – Ingram runs to the edge of the tunnel and ever so briefly you can see him salute the UGA faithful.
• 00:29 – Our first look at Hairy Dawg’s classic reaction.
• 00:32 – Mark Richt goes 1/3 of the way onto the field to retrieve his flung clipboard/play chart. Uncharacteristic for the normally stoic Richt (hot seeeeeeat). This is interesting, because as much as the HBC is known for throwing his visor, his clipboard-to-visor throwing ratio is about 10:1 since coming to USC. Maybe it’s catching on.
• 00:46 – Sean McDonough’s first mention of DeAngelo Smith (the other #6) as the actual touchdown maker.
• 00:51 – McDonough, confidently, “It appears to be DeAngelo Smith.”
• oo:56 – Ingram turns his back to the camera so we can see his name, and McDonough, slightly stunned, “No, it IS Ingram.”
• 1:00 – Shot of smug Spurrier. We LOVE smug Spurrier.
• 1:27 – Replay begins from overhead camera. Great angle, I wish we had more close-ups of the fans’ faces.
• 1:58 – We need to send this camera guy (or gal) a gift basket. He follows Ingram across the goal line, then immediately notices Hairy Dawg and focuses in on the stunned reaction. There are very few things funnier than than seeing a huge-headed cartoon mascot showing real human emotion. Someone needs to make a gif of that so we can use it as a UGA disappointment meme forever and ever.

Some quick, barely researched, not fully formed thoughts from yesterday’s wild and wooly game in Athens:

Don’t think, just enjoy. We have problems, certainly, but beating Georgia is just a half step below beating Clemson in the rivalry pecking order. This game was talked about all summer as an elimination game in the East, and we walked out of Sanford Stadium with a win. Don’t ever take for granted a win on the road in the SEC, especially when it’s in Athens.

As much fun as you can have with your clothes on. For sheer entertainment value, this is one of USC’s greatest games ever. It was a brutal and glorious roller coaster ride of a game that was hard to watch at times, and a tall, cold glass of liquid joy at others (metaphor alert!).

I have seen Marcus Lattimore, and Isaiah Crowell, you are no Marcus Lattimore. #21 was having a quiet but effective day, but Sean McDonough and Matt Millen were too busy gushing over the exploits of Crowell to notice.  Until the fourth quarter, that is, and then Lattimore loaded the offense on his back and carried us to victory. He is special, and firmly put himself in the early Heisman discussion yesterday.

Melvin Ingram, Melvin Ingram, Melvin BYGOD Ingram. I wrote in last week’s Snap Judgments that people need to start talking about Ingram. After yesterday, it will be impossible NOT to talk about him. The term freak is way overused, but it absolutely describes this guy.

Bad Stephen, BAD. Tbone texted us yesterday morning and said he had a strong feeling that Stephen Garcia was going to have a major faceplant against UGA. Early on, it looked like his premonition was becoming reality. Fortunately, he never made any backbreaking mistakes and made a great throw to Ace Sanders late to get us in UGA territory. But Bad Stephen needs to go away. Forever.

Thumbs up O-line. These guys deserve a mention for no sacks given up (at least that I can remember), and paving the way for Marcus.

Obligatory Jadeveon Clowney bullet point. Clowney admitted last night the level of competition increased greatly yesterday against the Bulldogs. He struggled at times, but came away with his first two career sacks, including separating Aaron Murray from the football late to give Ingram his second touchdown. (By the way, that play looked a LOT like it belonged in his high school highlight tape.)

The secondary needs help. Stephon Gilmore played better, but CC Whitlock was beaten for two touchdowns, and Murray carved us up in the fourth quarter. Hopefully the return of Victor Hampton in two weeks from suspension will give us a boost. This is the area that really continues to concern me.

Steve Spurrier is evil, and he is a genius. On the heels of a barely unsuccessful onside kick by UGA, SOS green lights (he says it was John Butler’s call) a fake punt with a 270-pound DL. Vintage Spurrier. Oh, and with the game on the line he makes the decision to feed #21. OK, you got me, that doesn’t take a genius to figure out.

Random crazy stat of the night. With 3:30 to go in the third quarter, the score was 20-14 in favor of UGA. Over the final 18:30, we outscored them 31-22.

Navy is terrible and we will beat them badly. << This is a false statement. Get yourselves ready, because this game is going to be a root canal. I think we win, but we will not feel good about ourselves when it’s over.

In other news, CTU upsets Wofford 35-27. Not real fun to play those guys, is it Tigers?

Join us Sunday as we recap the Georgia game.  We’ll also have extended discussion about WHY THE HECK TBONE MISSED THE SECOND HALF OF THE GAME (Spoiler Alert: He was forced to go to a wedding). 

We’ll also be previewing Navy, and why it still hurts so bad to even mention their name.  You can find the show here:

TRC Unleashed – Episode 5

Go Cocks!

On the heels of the success of Mike Leach’s Swing Your Sword, comes the newest blockbuster from a college coaching legend: the Head Ball Coach himself, Stephen Orr Spurrier.  In addition to valuable insights into his coaching philosophies (and his head scratching decision to start Connor Shaw over Steven Achilles Garcia in the ECU tilt) comes his definitive guide to success as a college signal-caller.  Among his wealth of sage advice:

• Shave – leaders of men don’t have facial hair. That movie “300” was a crock of bull.
• Don’t wear your cap backwards. Actually, the bill of a cap should always face directly frontwise, it wasn’t made to shade your ear.
• If you’re not on the football field, there’s no reason to not be wearing a freshly pressed golf shirt, khakies, and penny loafers. Socks optional if you’re feeling a little rebellious.
• Shirts are required at all times. I am the exception as I have very sensitive areolas, and as a Heisman Winner I can take my shirt off whenever I feel like it.
• That shirt that you’re wearing (I hope): Tuck it in.
• Tell it like it is. Just be prepared to sit for long periods of time when you do, bucko.
• Stay away from anything beyond a PG movie, even PG-13 is a little too risky.
• Reserve alcohol for after your NFL career. Since you won’t have an NFL career, it’s probably best you stay  away from the sauce forever.
• Open doors for ladies, ALWAYS.  Except the door to your dorm room, Romeo.
• Never think on the field, I’ve already got that covered.
• Get the ball out on time.
• If you can’t get the ball out on time, GET THE DAMN BALL OUT, SON.
• I really need you to audible, but don’t, cause you’ll just screw it up.
• No backwards plays.
• No sideways plays.
• Diagonal plays are allowed as long as they’re frontwards-diagonal.  THIS IS A REAL THING, SMARTASS.
• “Damn”, “hell”, and “ass” are acceptable profanities, but only in the privacy of the huddle or when your holding my golf bag.  Oh, and by the way, NEVER touch my golf bag.
• Convince me you can kick a game-winning field goal even though you’re not our kicker.
• Shouldn’t you be out organizing some pass-skel instead of reading books?  Who do you think you are, Barbara Walters?
• Flip-flops should only be worn in the shower, the way God intended.
• Snot rockets and snake draining allowed, but not in the presence of ladies.  By “ladies” I mean my other quarterbacks.
• There are only two acceptable answers (and no acceptable questions):  “Yes, sir” and “No excuse, sir”.
• Always remember I hate your sorry ass and I really want to play the guy behind you. But hey, it ain’t personal, cause when I play him I’ll hate his sorry ass, too.
• Start all sentences–not with a capital letter–but with “as we all know”.
• End all sentences–not with periods–but with “but anyway…”
• Be named Danny.
• Being named Shane or Rex is OK, I guess.
• But mostly be named Danny.
• Under no circumstances should you be named Doug or Blake.
• Without anything even approaching adequate blocking, you should be able to survey the defense, take a seven-step drop, make the correct read, and fire a strike on any down and distance.  (But you probably already knew that.)
• Tattoos: not acceptable unless you would be proud to have your mother read it aloud in church.
• Piercings: absolutely not, unless it’s in your mother’s ear lobes in church.
• Suggested reading:  “They Call Me Coach” by John Wooden, the Old Testament’s Book of Job, and the Complete Songbook of Glenn Campbell.
• Speaking of songs, you might want to add some Karen Carpenter to your pre-game iPod playlist. Soothing.
• You need a nemesis.  I find that large, round, orange, slow-witted ones work best.
• Don’t try to swipe some post-touchdown greenery from the Sanford Stadium hedges.  Et up with chiggers, trust me.
• Don’t listen to Junior, I’ve never trusted that herky-jerky kid.

Available for $25.99 from all major online and retail outlets – pick up your copy today! (don’t really, as we have the only “copy” that exists, but as a service to our faithful readers, we will continue to release excepts when appropriate).

Some quick, barely researched, not fully-formed thoughts from last night’s season opener:

– The insurance salesmen, accountants, doctors and lawyers were right.  When the decision to start Connor Shaw over Stephen Garcia was announced on Thursday, there were a lot of fans that took to the world-wide web to express their displeasure.  Mild as my objection was, I was one of those folks.  There were a few who defended Steve Spurrier with tried and true variations of “You’re an insurance salesman, you think you know more about football than Steve Spurrier?”

Well, I certainly don’t know more about football than the HBC, but I know what I saw Saturday night.  Connor Shaw looked like a squirrel trying to cross I-77 in his three series, and when Garcia entered in the second quarter a calm came over the offense.  All of our failings against ECU cannot be blamed on Shaw, just as all our successes cannot attributed to Garcia, but I do know that once Garcia came into the game we outscored ECU 56-20.  I’ll take that over great scrimmage stats any day.

– #7 is for real, but people need to start talking about #6 .  Jadeveon Clowney was big, fast and powerful, just like we’ve been told.  You noticed when he was in the game, and you noticed when he was not.  I know, he wasn’t playing against an SEC-caliber offensive line, but still, you have to be excited about the future of the War Daddy.  The story on the DL, however, was the play of Melvin Ingram.  He is a freakish athlete (did you see the hands on that pick?) that was all over the place last night, and deserves to be talked about in all-SEC terms.

– Lattimore was Lattimore and Jeffery was Jeffery – And thank God for that.  #21 even looked a little quicker and more decisive running the ball.

– We have a return game! Ace Sanders’ PR for TD was easily the most exciting play of the game last night, and the first time we’ve seen that out of the Gamecocks since 2003 (Chavez Donnings, anyone?)  Bruce Ellington looked great on kickoff returns as well.

– Speaking of Sanders and Ellington… We have a lot of weapons on offense, we just have to find a way to get the ball in their hands.  I was a little surprised we didn’t see any short passes to one of those two guys to try to get them out in space (Sanders’ short TD catch doesn’t count), but that part of the playbook may be closed until next week.  Shon Carson looked very quick with the ball in his limited touches, and I was really disappointed we didn’t get to see Dameire Byrd last night.  Hopefully that situation will be cleared up by next week.

–  Stephon Gilmore is not a shutdown corner. This situation continues to disturb me.  A great cornerback is going to get beaten on occasion, but a great cornerback is going to make a great play every once in a while too.  I haven’t seen a great play out of defensive #5 in quite a while.  Somebody please tell me why I’m wrong, I would like to be reassured.

– Don’t let the 37 points bother you. I really think our defense will be better this year than last.  ECU’s points were a product of turnovers and their offense, which will score a lot of points on a lot of people this year.  And they’ll need every one of them.

– Game Ball:  Antonio Allen.  Wow, 16 tackles, 2 caused fumbles, 1 fumble return for TD.  Have yourself a night young man.

– We will be playing an ultra-desperate team next week. UGA was manhandled by Boise last night (side note: mad props to Boise, I was wrong), and conventional wisdom says UGA will be playing to save Mark Richt’s job.  This could also wind up being an elimination game in the SEC East race, so USC will have to eliminate the mistakes from last night and be ready for a hostile bunch of Dogs.

Join us for TRC Unleashed tomorrow night where we’ll discuss these topics plus many more.

Go Cocks!

Instead of our usual Sunday night podcast, we’re going to move it to Monday at 6 p.m. and call it the TRC Unleashed Labor Day Spectacular!  Not really, but we had to move it to Labor Day evening due to some Sunday family frivolity.  Anyway, we’ll be recapping the ECU game, previewing the UGA game, and wrapping up the first weekend of college football.  You’ll be able to listen live here:

TRC Unleashed – Episode 4

Also, be sure to follow us on Twitter (@rubrchickens).  Tbone will be giving live game tweets from Bank of America Stadium along with the Gman, while I’ll be giving live game updates from my couch.

Go Cocks!

Ever since it came across my Twitter feed last evening that Connor Shaw is getting the start over Stephen Garcia Saturday night, I’ve been slightly less excited and optimistic about our football season (by slightly, I mean on a scale of 1,000,000 I’m down to about a 999,500).

On the eve of what is supposed to be the greatest college football season in the history of South Carolina football, and at the most important position on the field, Steve Spurrier is giving Shaw his first career start over Garcia, who is the third leading passer in school history and has started 28 consecutive games.

COACH SPURRIER, STOP SCREWING WITH US!!!!!

There was speculation all over Twitter last night that maybe this is Spurrier’s final jab at Garcia over his “transgressions” (for which he has been forgiven, right?) But Spurrier says no, Shaw has just played better in practice and deserves the start.

Spurrier has talked about a clean slate, fresh start, etc., when it comes to the QB situation. Well, sorry coach, I just can’t erase victories over Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, Florida and Clemson in the same season from my slate. With all due respect to Connor Shaw (whom I like a lot), Stephen Garcia would take the first snap for me from under center on Saturday night.

The HBC is very calculated in everything he says and does, and more often than not it works out.  My belief is this is most likely a motivational ploy for Garcia, and he’ll get the most playing time Saturday night and will get the start next week against Georgia.

But if Spurrier thinks Shaw is truly the man to lead this team in 2011…