The Steve Spurrier Guide to Being a Successful College Quarterback

On the heels of the success of Mike Leach’s Swing Your Sword, comes the newest blockbuster from a college coaching legend: the Head Ball Coach himself, Stephen Orr Spurrier.  In addition to valuable insights into his coaching philosophies (and his head scratching decision to start Connor Shaw over Steven Achilles Garcia in the ECU tilt) comes his definitive guide to success as a college signal-caller.  Among his wealth of sage advice:

• Shave – leaders of men don’t have facial hair. That movie “300” was a crock of bull.
• Don’t wear your cap backwards. Actually, the bill of a cap should always face directly frontwise, it wasn’t made to shade your ear.
• If you’re not on the football field, there’s no reason to not be wearing a freshly pressed golf shirt, khakies, and penny loafers. Socks optional if you’re feeling a little rebellious.
• Shirts are required at all times. I am the exception as I have very sensitive areolas, and as a Heisman Winner I can take my shirt off whenever I feel like it.
• That shirt that you’re wearing (I hope): Tuck it in.
• Tell it like it is. Just be prepared to sit for long periods of time when you do, bucko.
• Stay away from anything beyond a PG movie, even PG-13 is a little too risky.
• Reserve alcohol for after your NFL career. Since you won’t have an NFL career, it’s probably best you stay  away from the sauce forever.
• Open doors for ladies, ALWAYS.  Except the door to your dorm room, Romeo.
• Never think on the field, I’ve already got that covered.
• Get the ball out on time.
• If you can’t get the ball out on time, GET THE DAMN BALL OUT, SON.
• I really need you to audible, but don’t, cause you’ll just screw it up.
• No backwards plays.
• No sideways plays.
• Diagonal plays are allowed as long as they’re frontwards-diagonal.  THIS IS A REAL THING, SMARTASS.
• “Damn”, “hell”, and “ass” are acceptable profanities, but only in the privacy of the huddle or when your holding my golf bag.  Oh, and by the way, NEVER touch my golf bag.
• Convince me you can kick a game-winning field goal even though you’re not our kicker.
• Shouldn’t you be out organizing some pass-skel instead of reading books?  Who do you think you are, Barbara Walters?
• Flip-flops should only be worn in the shower, the way God intended.
• Snot rockets and snake draining allowed, but not in the presence of ladies.  By “ladies” I mean my other quarterbacks.
• There are only two acceptable answers (and no acceptable questions):  “Yes, sir” and “No excuse, sir”.
• Always remember I hate your sorry ass and I really want to play the guy behind you. But hey, it ain’t personal, cause when I play him I’ll hate his sorry ass, too.
• Start all sentences–not with a capital letter–but with “as we all know”.
• End all sentences–not with periods–but with “but anyway…”
• Be named Danny.
• Being named Shane or Rex is OK, I guess.
• But mostly be named Danny.
• Under no circumstances should you be named Doug or Blake.
• Without anything even approaching adequate blocking, you should be able to survey the defense, take a seven-step drop, make the correct read, and fire a strike on any down and distance.  (But you probably already knew that.)
• Tattoos: not acceptable unless you would be proud to have your mother read it aloud in church.
• Piercings: absolutely not, unless it’s in your mother’s ear lobes in church.
• Suggested reading:  “They Call Me Coach” by John Wooden, the Old Testament’s Book of Job, and the Complete Songbook of Glenn Campbell.
• Speaking of songs, you might want to add some Karen Carpenter to your pre-game iPod playlist. Soothing.
• You need a nemesis.  I find that large, round, orange, slow-witted ones work best.
• Don’t try to swipe some post-touchdown greenery from the Sanford Stadium hedges.  Et up with chiggers, trust me.
• Don’t listen to Junior, I’ve never trusted that herky-jerky kid.

Available for $25.99 from all major online and retail outlets – pick up your copy today! (don’t really, as we have the only “copy” that exists, but as a service to our faithful readers, we will continue to release excepts when appropriate).