Its that time of year, gentle reader:  Preseason polls are trickling out, early All-American lists are being announced.  We here at TRC are not immune to the prognosticatory (word?  eh, maybe) ranking impulse, but we don’t EVER want to be mundane or redundant.  We want to be different.

Accordingly, we’ve decided to rank . . . our football coaching staff.

Yeah, it doesn’t make any real sense, and sure, we may well be doing it just to be ironic, but you’ve read this far, which must mean you are as starved for Gamecock football info as we are.

So here goes with the inaugural Grade School Preseason Ranking, which we may (or may not) update each week of the season.

1.  Steve Spurrier – Who else?  At this rate, the cat might just make something of himself one day.  He will be ranked #1 in this space for as long as he wants, a period of time he often describes as “two or three or so years at least.  Well, anyway.”

Score

2. Ellis Johnson – Grossly overranked here, in my opinion, but our rankings are composite scores and my other TRC cohorts are obsessed with the guy.  To me, he’s always trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, and that’s not even when he’s coaching.

3. G.A. Mangus – Popular pick in the old blogosphere.  Young, energetic, and a tireless recruiter, many have him pegged for the HBC-in-waiting.  We’re not ready to go there yet, but like his potential.

4. Shawn Elliott – based entirely on facial expressiveness.

Default Elliott Face – it gets much worse

5. Brad Lawing – based entirely on loyalty to the program.  He first coached here under Sparky Freaking Woods, for crying out loud.

6. Jay Graham – He helped get #21 on board.  And then he shepherded the freshman runningback through a record-setting year.  Heck, we’d rank him #6 on the strength of last year’s UGa beatdown alone.

7. Craig Fitzgerald – Chains, tractor tires, and attitude in the weightroom all speak well of this guy.  But its the heavy lifting of those mammoth eyebrows that earns our #7 ranking.

8. Lorenzo Ward – Our secondary, talented and experienced, was constantly confused and out of position last year, so someone – SOMEONE – has to be to blame, don’t they?  Well?  DON’T THEY???? HELLO?

9.  Junior Spurrier – Tough call.  We’ve had some hecka awesome receivers during his tenure, but we’re scared to rank him higher lest this morph into an awkward Skip Holtz situation.

10. Jeep Hunter – I dunno, but what does he coach again?  Heck of a recruiter and a super guy by all accounts, so he makes our top 10.

11. John Butler – Not ranked, due to insufficient data set.  A kickoff returned for a touchdown this year would instantly catapult him into the top 5.

12. Chris Cosh – yes we know he isn’t a current coach, but we’ve got 63 reasons to still be hatin’ on him.

[note: our individual ballots can be found here, if you are REALLY hurting for more info.]

h/t to Impalla_SS_Cock :

You’ve probably already heard about Steve Spurrier’s proposal this week down at the SEC Spring Meetings in Destin, Florida.  We here at TRC were intrigued by the idea and made some calls to the other league coaches to get them on the record.  Our question to each coach was the same:  “Do you support paying each of your players $300.00 per game out of your own salary?”   Their responses follow:

James Franklin:  Coach Franklin was not contacted.  The HBC proposal specifically exempted Vandy because the Coach’s salary would not cover the expense.

Derek Dooley:  Well, I can’t really afford it, but with Saban and Spurrier glaring at me I had to agree to it.  I think I went on to make some good points in the discussion, they really listened to me, and I really got some positive vibes from Chizik.  My wife kept telling me to have a good attitude and sooner or later I would make friends, so I’m just excited to see her plan working out.  I can’t wait until the next meeting!  Hey, you seem like a nice guy, wanna get together this weekend and go hiking or something?  I could bring sandwiches?

Houston Nutt:  Hallefreakinluah its motherlovin good to hear from you-enz.  What can I do you for?  You look like you’ve lost weight.  Yeah, I know I can’t see you over the phone, but you SOUND thin.  Good on you, brother-boy.  Fitness is im-por-tant buddy.  Anyhoo, your callin me for somethin, right?  I mean these long distance calls are a bee-atch, am I right?  Hey, you heard the one about the Mustard Buzzard fan who walked into the Hatties-ville bar with a steaming pile in his hand?  Eh? Eh?  LOVE talkin’ at you buddy, BYE-BYE, now!

Mark Richt: Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal.  That’s Matthew 6:19, and I will allow the Good Book to speak for me on this issue. 

TRC: Follow up question?  Is that a yes, Coach Richt?
Mark Richt:  Absolutely not. /begins singing Just As I Am.

Joker Phillips:  Wow, you’re from where?  That’s what I thought you said.  Listen, all media request go through Coach Calipari, that’s probably who you want to talk to anyway.  See, I coach football.  Its like basketball except the ball is kinda warped and its played outside.  In fact, I’ve got a load of season tickets still available if you’re interested.  No?  Well think about it.  Anyway, I’ll transfer you to Calipari’s secretary’s secretary or whatever. 

Will Muschamp:  I think the Mighty Bulldogs of the University of Georgia would be glad to participate in such a plan.  Man its great to be back in Athens and to coach for this University I love so dearly.  [excited whispered conversation overheard on line]  Right, so Florida, F-L-O-R-I-D-A would be in favor.  That’s what I said.  Exactly.  What?

Dan Mullen:  Tell me this, just between us – what did Muschamp say about it?  I’m not trying to gossip, but I hear he’s not fitting in down there in Gator Country.  I’m not saying I wish him ill or anything, I love the little fella.  But if you hear something, would you call me?  See I’ve got a job and I’m A-1 delighted with it.  Really, I am.  Starkville is an awesome place, it’s not mind numbingly boring at all, and I’m not in a hurry to get the hell out of here.  But still, I like to stay in the loop, you know. Know the lay of the land.  How much is Franklin making up at Vandy?  Just curious.

Gene Chizik:  $300.00 bucks?  Let me tell you: Not. A. Problem.  See, I just push this button on this tiger-striped Droid phone right here and it rings right to Mr. Lowder’s office.  Private unpublished number.  Just tell his assistant, Bambi, how much money you nee-

/line abruptly goes dead.  

Les Miles:  Money? For the players?  Not needed at LSU.  Let me tell you what we do.  We feed ’em grass.  And dirt for dessert.  And they love it.  For a treat every now and then I take em out to the local petting zoo.  Well, ok its a gator wraslin arena but its interaction with nature either way, right?  And me and the Missus dreamed up this special treat where we name a star after each player on his birthday.  That’s right, a real live star.  I can give  you the website, you get a certificate and everything.  Oh, and I’ve got ’em all under me in my network marketing pyram-er, organization, so I feel like we’ve got em on the path to success.

Bobby Petrino: 

We’re sorry, but the Alltel customer at this number is not available and their voicemail inbox is full.

Nick Saban:  Let me ask YOU a question.  Do you think Excellence is important?  Do you think Quality matters?  Do metrics such as Performance, Improvement, and Consistency need to be tracked?  I for one am not motivated by money, except insofar as money indicates Quality, so let me follow-up with a couple of additional queries.  Do you eval-/at which point our TRC staff member hung up and ran stadium steps until he collapsed in self-loathing.    

Give credit where credit is due, I always say.

So as I look back over the course of the last few years of SEC football, one dominant theme sticks out:

Auburn University Innovates.

Auburn sets new standards both on and off the field, and while many might be hesitant to say so, I prefer to point out their novel approach to college athletics and celebrate it.

First you’ve got offensive wunderkind Gus Malzahn calling the plays in a new and novel way– [cough] single wing [cough] Lou Holtz [cough].  Then you’ve got the Head Chin secretly suspending a star player on a Tuesday, reinstating him the next day, and announcing the whole contrived fiasco after it was all over.  That’s certainly a new approach to collegiate  discipline.

But Auburn innovates in other way as well.  Take the concept of College Football Free Agency.  Never heard of it, you say?  Well they are innovating it down on The Plains.  They blazed the trail with one Cameron Newton, who went to the highest bidder the Tigers after a high-profile recruiting battle from the Junior College National Champions at Blinn College.  This offseason, the trend has continued, as Auburn openly flirted with former N.C. State QB Russell Wilson and lured prized running back recruit Mike Blakely away from the University of Florida despite the fact young Blakely signed with the Gators just three months ago.  Seems like this sort of thing is occurring more and more over time, doesn’t it?

This approach can lead to questions, of course, and questions at Auburn are always answered in a slightly defensive, lawyered up, sort of way.  We, the fans of college football are left to guess and speculate as to what is really going on.

Along those speculative lines, I would like to suggest that strong evidence exists that Auburn is intentionally working a College Football Free Agency approach.  The limiting factor to such an approach (well, besides ethics, but this is Auburn, after all) is scholarship numbers.  Everyone gets only 85 schollys, and while natural attrition will occur, schools generally are maxed out on available free rides for prospective athletes.

Auburn’s innovative solution?  Just stop trying to graduate anyone.  Let them flunk out or quit or whatever, and it opens up scholarships for Free Agents.

Want some evidence that this is an increasing tactic by the Tigs?

Let’s look at SEC APR Scores for the last six years.  First, we will look at all the conference’s schools:

Let me apologize for not formatting school colors on this graph, but it ends up being a bunch of slightly different shades or red and is hard to read.  But regardless, you get the idea.  The SEC as a whole shows a pretty strong improvement from the 04-05 academic year until now.  All of the schools are either holding their own, or are making marked improvement in the graduation of their players.

Except for one school, which is strongly bucking the trend in the other direction.  Can you pick it out?  No?  Well let me limit the data to include only those schools that have been in the SEC Championship game in recent years:

Sorry, Bizarro Dawgs of MSU, I left you off this list on purpose, btw.   And while Arkansas seems perfectly happy to suck at this metric, at least they consistently suck and are not getting dramatically worse.

But anyway, can you pick out the outlier?  The school that defies the general approach of the SEC as a whole, an approach that focuses on improving the graduation rate of its athletes?

Here, I’ll help you some more:

Slight uptick there at the end – probably just statistical noise, but it’s still a pretty dramatic drop off the table, isn’t it?

Kudos, Auburn.  You’ve figured out a new and innovative way to do it.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

This week the HBC and Co. made the rubber chicken circuit around the state, but with a twist: no rubber chickens (other than yours truly in Gville) and lots of sweaty kids. Bunches of Fun, despite the confusing information coming out about our erstwhile starting quarterback/babe magnet Stephen Garcia. In this short span of a week, Coach Spurrier described Garcia as “on Probation” (Monday in Charleston), “probably, maybe” coming back (Wednesday in Greenville), and “still has a list of things that the AD expects him to do this summer” (Tuesday in Aiken).

This all sounded to me like the HBC wants Garcia back ASAP, but is limited right now by the AD’s requirements.  I’m also pretty well convinced that something strange is going on in the Roundhouse over this whole episode.  And I’m not the only one thinking this way.

So I did some fake digging, contacted some imaginary sources, and can offer the following absolutely guaranteed authenticity-free handwritten list that we absolutely did not obtain that shows all of Hyman’s requirements for Garcia’s reinstatement. Note that the list is (not) in Hyman’s own handwriting.

Eric’s Favorite Notepad

In the interest of bandwidth, I’ll reproduce the rest of the list without the goat background stationary (although I think a case could be made that a “goat background” is coloring this entire episode, if you know what I mean /wink /wink /nudge /wink.

Hyman’s requirements for Garcia’s Reinstatement

• Graduate on time. (done)

• No more brushes with the law. (done for almost four straight years)

• Surrender flip-flops, wear sensible shoes.

• Surrender Scooter. Ride bicycle instead. With helmet and reflective beanie.

• Publicly drink only Light Beer Odouls Red Bull Coke Zero.

• Shave daily, twice if you are summoned for an audience with Mrs. Hyman.

• Watch “The Voice” on NBC and report back to the AD since it’s on after bedtime.

• Attend Kenny Chesney concert at CLA and solve question of Zellweger annulment – wait, I think I already know what it is.

• Find secret ingredient in Guthrie’s sauce that makes it so superior to Zaxby’s sauce.

• Laser removal of confusing underarm tattoo, OR alteration of said tat to read “mother” or “if you are reading this, we better be married.”

• No after-shower eye black in post game press conferences. I’ve got kids to raise, and it sets a bad bath example.

• No more urinating. Not in public, not in private, not anywhere. Maybe you won’t be so thirsty next time, huh?

• Full participation and completion of a Clockwork Orange-style aversion therapy course designed to extinguish interest in coeds.

• Explain all the Bourne movies to me. Is he a good guy? Am I supposed to be pulling for the CIA director? Is it ok that Julia Stiles’ deep voice turns me on a little?

• Once a week show up outside my bathroom window dressed in a cocktail dress. Sing”Blue Velvet” while averting your eyes.  No questions, I have my reasons.

Greetings. I am Uatu, The Watcher. I was assigned to your world by my Brotherhood to observe and record your development as a species. From my abode on the dark side of your earth’s moon, I watch, I catalog, and I report. While your advancement is impressive in many realms, you fail to grasp the basic nature of your own reality. You do not even realize that other realities exist alongside your own.

I, The Watcher, see all of these realities.

Allow me to demonstrate. I will select one of your average younglings and thereby demonstrate this coexistence of space-time alternatives:

Behold one Stephen Gary Garcia, a young man in the beginning of his adulthood. In your space-time, young Stephen is the erstwhile field general for one of your educational sporting teams.

But in other space-times, a younger Stephen decided to lead other groups. Behold these alternate – and equally valid – realities, which I select at random:

Earth Reality #30453: Stephen Garcia is the rising redshirt senior quarterback for the Gators of Florida. His head coach, one Urban Meyer, just signed a ten year extension to his contract. Garcia starts a fashion rage in Gainesville by foregoing the ubiquitous blue jean shorts of his contemporaries and instead dons [gasp] khaki shorts. Meanwhile Gamecock quarterback John Brantley constantly evokes his head coach’s ire by “not getting the ball out of his hands quick enough.”

Earth Reality #46921: Stephen Garcia is the returning starter for the Clemson Tiger University.  Head Coach Dabo (yes, in that reality a grown man can apparently be called “Dabo” as well) Swinney anoints Garcia as the next Joe Montana, and describes Stephen’s leadership, charity, and GPA in effusive – albeit simple – words (Side note, CTU still went 6-7 last year. That happened in every recorded reality save one, Reality #23452, where Georgia Tech runs a modern offense, and Dabo finished 5-7).  (Additional side note, upon exhausting his football eligibility, Garcia is immediately arrested for fifty unpaid parking tickets, three open container violations, two barroom brawls, and one high speed pass over a former coach’s daughter. When asked for a comment, Dabo answers with a perplexed “WHO?”, throws down a cherry bomb, and flees behind a mirrored screen).

Earth Reality #60471: Stephen Garcia is playing for the Cardinals of the University of Louisville. No one cares.

Earth Reality #21091: Stephen Garcia has graduated from the University of Georgia with a degree in Eastern Philosophy. He performs weekly in Athens bars as a beat poet.  He gave up football after his junior year because, as he put it, “those guys are a bunch of thugs.”

Earth Reality #10023: Stephen Garcia quits football after graduation and becomes a motivational speaker. He specializes in calling out individual members of the audience and comparing them unfavorably to the saintly-est of their coworkers. Says he learned the tactic “directly from an NCAA sanctioned program I once attended.”

Earth Reality #41204: As a rising sophomore at Tennessee, Stephen Garcia is expelled for urinating on Head Coach Lane Kiffin. His defense is that, having knocked the coach out with one backhanded slap, the laws of manhood dictate that he mark his kill. Tennessee refuses to reinstate him, but for perpetration of the deed he is awarded the Heisman, the Nobel, and the Congressional Medal of Honor by unanimous public acclimation. (Side note, David Reaves cried during the attack and the award ceremonies.  And later in bed. Again).

Earth Reality #16403: The State newspaper went bankrupt in 2007 trying to keep Joe Person supplied with hair gel. With no local newsprint gadflies, Stephen Garcia graduated on time with absolutely no disciplinary history.

Earth Reality #29981: Stephen Garcia was in the room when Auburn gave Cecil Newton a large and apparently heavy canvas sack embroidered with dollars signs. It might surprise you, Earthlings, to learn that almost all possible realities involve Auburn giving Cecil Newton some form of cash or gold. And much to The Watcher’s surprise, none of these realities result in even the slightest of penalties from the NCAA.

Earth Reality #39971: Stephen Garcia quit football after the 2008 Outback Bowl. He moved to Dallas, TX and works in construction management with his brother. After work he occasionally like to toss back a couple of frosty ones with his buddies. JUST LIKE ALL OF THE REST OF YOU.

Lo and Behold, Earthlings!� This small sample should show you the intricacies of the space-time continuum, and underscore the power and vision of The Watcher.

Oh, and before I return to my lunar abode, I leave you with one last word of wisdom, gleaned from my infinite observations:

#FREEGARCIA !!!!!