HBC Pay for Play Plan: SEC Coaches React

You’ve probably already heard about Steve Spurrier’s proposal this week down at the SEC Spring Meetings in Destin, Florida.  We here at TRC were intrigued by the idea and made some calls to the other league coaches to get them on the record.  Our question to each coach was the same:  “Do you support paying each of your players $300.00 per game out of your own salary?”   Their responses follow:

James Franklin:  Coach Franklin was not contacted.  The HBC proposal specifically exempted Vandy because the Coach’s salary would not cover the expense.

Derek Dooley:  Well, I can’t really afford it, but with Saban and Spurrier glaring at me I had to agree to it.  I think I went on to make some good points in the discussion, they really listened to me, and I really got some positive vibes from Chizik.  My wife kept telling me to have a good attitude and sooner or later I would make friends, so I’m just excited to see her plan working out.  I can’t wait until the next meeting!  Hey, you seem like a nice guy, wanna get together this weekend and go hiking or something?  I could bring sandwiches?

Houston Nutt:  Hallefreakinluah its motherlovin good to hear from you-enz.  What can I do you for?  You look like you’ve lost weight.  Yeah, I know I can’t see you over the phone, but you SOUND thin.  Good on you, brother-boy.  Fitness is im-por-tant buddy.  Anyhoo, your callin me for somethin, right?  I mean these long distance calls are a bee-atch, am I right?  Hey, you heard the one about the Mustard Buzzard fan who walked into the Hatties-ville bar with a steaming pile in his hand?  Eh? Eh?  LOVE talkin’ at you buddy, BYE-BYE, now!

Mark Richt: Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal.  That’s Matthew 6:19, and I will allow the Good Book to speak for me on this issue. 

TRC: Follow up question?  Is that a yes, Coach Richt?
Mark Richt:  Absolutely not. /begins singing Just As I Am.

Joker Phillips:  Wow, you’re from where?  That’s what I thought you said.  Listen, all media request go through Coach Calipari, that’s probably who you want to talk to anyway.  See, I coach football.  Its like basketball except the ball is kinda warped and its played outside.  In fact, I’ve got a load of season tickets still available if you’re interested.  No?  Well think about it.  Anyway, I’ll transfer you to Calipari’s secretary’s secretary or whatever. 

Will Muschamp:  I think the Mighty Bulldogs of the University of Georgia would be glad to participate in such a plan.  Man its great to be back in Athens and to coach for this University I love so dearly.  [excited whispered conversation overheard on line]  Right, so Florida, F-L-O-R-I-D-A would be in favor.  That’s what I said.  Exactly.  What?

Dan Mullen:  Tell me this, just between us – what did Muschamp say about it?  I’m not trying to gossip, but I hear he’s not fitting in down there in Gator Country.  I’m not saying I wish him ill or anything, I love the little fella.  But if you hear something, would you call me?  See I’ve got a job and I’m A-1 delighted with it.  Really, I am.  Starkville is an awesome place, it’s not mind numbingly boring at all, and I’m not in a hurry to get the hell out of here.  But still, I like to stay in the loop, you know. Know the lay of the land.  How much is Franklin making up at Vandy?  Just curious.

Gene Chizik:  $300.00 bucks?  Let me tell you: Not. A. Problem.  See, I just push this button on this tiger-striped Droid phone right here and it rings right to Mr. Lowder’s office.  Private unpublished number.  Just tell his assistant, Bambi, how much money you nee-

/line abruptly goes dead.  

Les Miles:  Money? For the players?  Not needed at LSU.  Let me tell you what we do.  We feed ’em grass.  And dirt for dessert.  And they love it.  For a treat every now and then I take em out to the local petting zoo.  Well, ok its a gator wraslin arena but its interaction with nature either way, right?  And me and the Missus dreamed up this special treat where we name a star after each player on his birthday.  That’s right, a real live star.  I can give  you the website, you get a certificate and everything.  Oh, and I’ve got ’em all under me in my network marketing pyram-er, organization, so I feel like we’ve got em on the path to success.

Bobby Petrino: 

We’re sorry, but the Alltel customer at this number is not available and their voicemail inbox is full.

Nick Saban:  Let me ask YOU a question.  Do you think Excellence is important?  Do you think Quality matters?  Do metrics such as Performance, Improvement, and Consistency need to be tracked?  I for one am not motivated by money, except insofar as money indicates Quality, so let me follow-up with a couple of additional queries.  Do you eval-/at which point our TRC staff member hung up and ran stadium steps until he collapsed in self-loathing.