This week the HBC and Co. made the rubber chicken circuit around the state, but with a twist: no rubber chickens (other than yours truly in Gville) and lots of sweaty kids. Bunches of Fun, despite the confusing information coming out about our erstwhile starting quarterback/babe magnet Stephen Garcia. In this short span of a week, Coach Spurrier described Garcia as “on Probation” (Monday in Charleston), “probably, maybe” coming back (Wednesday in Greenville), and “still has a list of things that the AD expects him to do this summer” (Tuesday in Aiken).
This all sounded to me like the HBC wants Garcia back ASAP, but is limited right now by the AD’s requirements. I’m also pretty well convinced that something strange is going on in the Roundhouse over this whole episode. And I’m not the only one thinking this way.
So I did some fake digging, contacted some imaginary sources, and can offer the following absolutely guaranteed authenticity-free handwritten list that we absolutely did not obtain that shows all of Hyman’s requirements for Garcia’s reinstatement. Note that the list is (not) in Hyman’s own handwriting.
In the interest of bandwidth, I’ll reproduce the rest of the list without the goat background stationary (although I think a case could be made that a “goat background” is coloring this entire episode, if you know what I mean /wink /wink /nudge /wink.
Hyman’s requirements for Garcia’s Reinstatement
Graduate on time. (done)
No more brushes with the law. (done for almost four straight years)
Surrender flip-flops, wear sensible shoes.
Surrender Scooter. Ride bicycle instead. With helmet and reflective beanie.
Publicly drink only
Light Beer Odouls Red BullCoke Zero.
Shave daily, twice if you are summoned for an audience with Mrs. Hyman.
Watch “The Voice” on NBC and report back to the AD since it’s on after bedtime.
Attend Kenny Chesney concert at CLA and solve question of Zellweger annulment – wait, I think I already know what it is.
Find secret ingredient in Guthrie’s sauce that makes it so superior to Zaxby’s sauce.
Laser removal of confusing underarm tattoo, OR alteration of said tat to read “mother” or “if you are reading this, we better be married.”
No after-shower eye black in post game press conferences. I’ve got kids to raise, and it sets a bad bath example.
No more urinating. Not in public, not in private, not anywhere. Maybe you won’t be so thirsty next time, huh?
Full participation and completion of a Clockwork Orange-style aversion therapy course designed to extinguish interest in coeds.
Explain all the Bourne movies to me. Is he a good guy? Am I supposed to be pulling for the CIA director? Is it ok that Julia Stiles’ deep voice turns me on a little?
Once a week show up outside my bathroom window dressed in a cocktail dress. Sing”Blue Velvet” while averting your eyes. No questions, I have my reasons.
4 thoughts on “TRC FAKE EXCLUSIVE! Hyman’s Requirements for Garcia Reinstatement”
Further Hyman requirements:
– Help me beat the Water Temple in “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time”
– Make me tacos on Taco Tuesday
– Explain how magnets work
– Stop calling me “Buster”
Yes, those were on the list, thanks for pointing out the omission.
Oh, and that damn water temple bout killed me!
/puts boots on
/takes boots off
/water level up
/3 hours pass of boots off & on and water level up & down
/arrives in room
/don’t have the right key
/on the wrong floor, too
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