Much as we did last year with the Mighty Mustard Buzzards, we here at TRC thought it would be a good idea to educate those of you who might not be familiar with our 2011 opening game opponent, the Pirates of East Carolina University.

First, a little geography. You are all probably familiar with the two directional states of North Carolina and South Carolina. But a little known fact is that the original King’s Charter established three colonies between Virginia and the Penal Colony: North, South and EAST. We quote from the original language of the Charter of 1665:

“Know ye, That we, of our further grace, certain knowledge, and mere motion, have thought fit to annex the same tract of ground or territory unto the same province of Carolina; and out of the fullness of our royal power and prerogative, we do, for us, our heirs and successors, annex and unite the same to the said province of Carolina. Oh, and we also hereby grant and create a colony called East Carolina, which no one will ever wish to visit, both because of the frequent and repetitive hurricanes, and the nasty-ass barbeque made therein. Also, the people are hideously ill-groomed.”

The colony managed to go unnoticed through both the Revolutionary and Civil wars, and was only rediscovered by Thomas Jordan Jarvis, a former Governor of North Carolina. Governor Jarvis was so roundly despised by polite society that he was forced to flee into the eastern wilderness, where he accidently stumbled upon the lost colony. As he was most assuredly drunk, he determined to found a college on the spot, and in 1907 was able to get the General Assembly to agree, provided that he never came back home.

Originally called East Carolina Teachers Training School, the school was tasked in its Charter with training “young men and women,” yet only admitted females for its first twenty years of existence. This is puzzling until you spend a long weekend on the campus, where the local coeds can still teach you a thing or two. Here we note that it is of no small coincidence that the school’s motto is Servire, the Latin form of the English verb “To Serve.”

What with the compliant women and the lower academic standards, ECTTS was long spurned by the more genteel North Carolina University System. But in 1972, the stench of the place grew so odious that the boys in the State Capital decided to take action, incorporating the school and renaming it East Carolina University. By all surprised accounts, ECU has flourished, and is now either the 2nd or the 3rd largest school in the North Carolina system (depending, of course, on whether or not you allow NC State to count their livestock/prostitutes).

As alluded-to above, the ECU mascot is The Pirate, formerly known as “PeeDee the Pirate.” The ECU Administration dropped “PeeDee” when it was discovered that most of the namesake Pee Dee River was actually located in South Carolina. Again, book learning is not their strong suit.

Athletically, ECU benefits from both the higher admission standards and the complete recruiting idiocy of the Research Triangle schools. The Pirates have enjoyed recent marquee victories over teams the rest of us destroy with regularity, but we try not to rain on their earnest little purple-clad parade. The Pirates are led by former somewhere-or-other’s offensive assistant, Ruffin McNeil, who created something of a stir at ECU by installing a fast-break offense and absolutely no defense. He also apparently hit an old gypsy woman with his car sometime last spring, but we try not to comment on weight issues.

One more thing about the ECU Pirates:

They have balls.

Unlike some of their more gentle neighbors (cough) Tarheels (cough), the Pirates will play ANYONE ANYWHERE and will never run from a fight. For this tenacity we salute them, both because it reminds us of ourselves in our pre-SEC days, and because it stands in such marked contrast with their powder-blue clad neighbors.

Oh, and only slightly off-topic: You all get that Jack Sparrow is gay, right? I mean, it’s not a big deal to me–more power to the guy, I say. But I just want to make sure we are all on the same page.

Is there anything more mind-numbingly banal than preseason football predictions?  What, dinner with your in-laws, you say?  Well, yes – that is worse, but other than that?  Anything involving Piers Morgan?  Right, good point.  But otherwise?  Americans who follow English League Soccer?  Well-played, sir, but if you don’t shut it and get behind the meme of this post, then we’re never gonna get to the inevitable preseason predictions that I’m trying so hard to describe to you allthewhile asserting my feigned dislike.

So work with me, people.

We tried to look at our preseason predictions in a slightly different way than others around the interwebs.  Our methodology, while ultimately akin to monkeys throwing darts at the stock pages,  is elegant in its contrived complexity, to wit:  Each of the three members of TRC gave a predicted score for each contest.  An average margin of victory (or defeat) was then calculated, and the result ranked by highest to lowest.  The resulting list then gives a good idea of our hive-mind guess at the general difficulty of each opponent, which we then ranked from the relatively easy to frustratingly difficult.  Does this system really tell us anything?  Well, no – but neither does Piers Morgan.

EXCELSIOR, WE BEGIN!

1.  The Citadel.  No, we don’t remember.  No, we don’t care.  No, we won’t listen to you tell us about this one time when lalalalalala we can’t hear you lalalalalalalal.   MARGIN: 40 points

2. Kentucky.  That’s right – freakin’ Kentucky is the 2nd easiest opponent we face this year per our intricate and arbitrary calculation.  What is that you say, they beat us last year?  Sorry, I’m unable to process that information given the ten consecutive beatdowns we administered to the ‘Cats in the years previous. No Cheesy Biscuits for UK this year.  MARGIN: 35 points

3.  Navy.  Again, I’m not listening to your defeatist drivel.  Yes, I know.  Yes, I remember.  But that was a different team in a different situation and with not even a different Marcus Lattimore.  MARGIN: 20 points

4.  Vanderbilt.  During their last scrimmage, Head Commodore James Franklin called back a sixty-yard pick six for what he deemed “excessive celebration.” Yes, he really did that.  During a scrimmage, no less.  In defense of his players, I would point out that they haven’t had anything else to be excited about in years.  MARGIN: 19 points

5.  East Carolina.  I am amazed the Pirates are only the fifth-weakest team we play, at least based on our established methodology (which I now wish to discard).  MARGIN: 17 points

6.  CTU.  ECU, CTU, I can’t tell them apart anymore.  Both wear purple for some reason,  and now both run fancy fast-break offenses.  Good luck with that, signed Southern Miss.  MARGIN:  13 points

7.  Auburn.  CAM CAM CAM CAM CAM – wait we can stop doing that now, right?  I mean the ESPN football overlords have decided to move on, correct?  This team has a putrid pass defense (think: ours) and will be without a slew of offensive linemen, including the one who won the Heisman last year.  MARGIN: 9 points

8.  Georgia.  They are now awesome again, in case you haven’t heard.  Repeatedly.  And without a shred of justification.  MARGIN:  7 points

9.  Florida.  Would love to play them early in the year as I think the transition from Urban Finesse to Weiss Largesse will be comical at the start.  By the end of the year they will revert to the spread and a modicum of competency, and we will have a game on our hands.  MARGIN: 3 points

10.  Mississippi State.  The game is in Starkville, where even fluffy kittens get bored and die of despair.   The HBC hates the place, and so do we.  MARGIN: 1 point

11.  Tennessee. Difficult game based on both our past history in Knoxville, and the ridiculous irony of having them potentially upset us.  Oh, and Coach Graham is really a Volmanchurian Candidate for just this eventuality. MARGIN: -1 point

12.  Arkansas.  Our Assistant Head Coach in Charge of Defense says they are unstoppable.  Who are we to question The Silver Fox:  MARGIN: – 6 points.

So, based on our TRC-As-Borg-Collective calculating method, the 2011 Gamecocks are looking at a 9-3/10-2 type of year.

Not. Too. Shabby.

Oh, and seriously, shut up about the Citadel and Navy.

[note, individual TRC member predictions can be found here]

UPDATE!!!:  Through the work of our crack team of investigatory correspondents, we here at TRC have verified the authenticity of the above photo, and can also report that UT Head Coach Derek Dooley uses this catchphrase often.  Below we offer photographic evidence of six other documented instances of the same or similar phrase.  Note the actual quotes will follow the photo montage:

Quotes from Coach Dooley (clockwise from top, left):

1.  As I often tell our players, “Opportunity is Nowhere.”  Next question, please.

2.  [thinking] Where was Opportunity again?  With thirteen players in there for goal-line D, it might be Nowhere.

3.  Opportunity walks into a bar with Nowhere on its head.  Bartender says “What’s with you, bub?”  Nowhere says “Eh, having a bad day, ’cause I got Opportunity stuck to my ass.”  Hello?  Is this thing on?

4.  I get this call from Opportunity, so I ask it:  Where are you?  You know what it tells me?  It says “Nowhere.”  Next question, please.

5.  You see this space between my hands, men?  This is Nowhere.  And that is where your Opportunity is.  OK? Opportunity is Nowhere on three!

6.  “GOODSWEETFANCYMOSESDANGNABIT, Do you think you’ve got an Opportunity, son?  Well, with play like that, I’ll tell you where your Opportunity is – ITS NOWHERE!