Is there anything more mind-numbingly banal than preseason football predictions? What, dinner with your in-laws, you say? Well, yes – that is worse, but other than that? Anything involving Piers Morgan? Right, good point. But otherwise? Americans who follow English League Soccer? Well-played, sir, but if you don’t shut it and get behind the meme of this post, then we’re never gonna get to the inevitable preseason predictions that I’m trying so hard to describe to you allthewhile asserting my feigned dislike.
So work with me, people.
We tried to look at our preseason predictions in a slightly different way than others around the interwebs. Our methodology, while ultimately akin to monkeys throwing darts at the stock pages, is elegant in its contrived complexity, to wit: Each of the three members of TRC gave a predicted score for each contest. An average margin of victory (or defeat) was then calculated, and the result ranked by highest to lowest. The resulting list then gives a good idea of our hive-mind guess at the general difficulty of each opponent, which we then ranked from the relatively easy to frustratingly difficult. Does this system really tell us anything? Well, no – but neither does Piers Morgan.
EXCELSIOR, WE BEGIN!
1. The Citadel. No, we don’t remember. No, we don’t care. No, we won’t listen to you tell us about this one time when lalalalalala we can’t hear you lalalalalalalal. MARGIN: 40 points
2. Kentucky. That’s right – freakin’ Kentucky is the 2nd easiest opponent we face this year per our intricate and arbitrary calculation. What is that you say, they beat us last year? Sorry, I’m unable to process that information given the ten consecutive beatdowns we administered to the ‘Cats in the years previous. No Cheesy Biscuits for UK this year. MARGIN: 35 points
3. Navy. Again, I’m not listening to your defeatist drivel. Yes, I know. Yes, I remember. But that was a different team in a different situation and with not even a different Marcus Lattimore. MARGIN: 20 points
4. Vanderbilt. During their last scrimmage, Head Commodore James Franklin called back a sixty-yard pick six for what he deemed “excessive celebration.” Yes, he really did that. During a scrimmage, no less. In defense of his players, I would point out that they haven’t had anything else to be excited about in years. MARGIN: 19 points
5. East Carolina. I am amazed the Pirates are only the fifth-weakest team we play, at least based on our established methodology (which I now wish to discard). MARGIN: 17 points
6. CTU. ECU, CTU, I can’t tell them apart anymore. Both wear purple for some reason, and now both run fancy fast-break offenses. Good luck with that, signed Southern Miss. MARGIN: 13 points
7. Auburn. CAM CAM CAM CAM CAM – wait we can stop doing that now, right? I mean the ESPN football overlords have decided to move on, correct? This team has a putrid pass defense (think: ours) and will be without a slew of offensive linemen, including the one who won the Heisman last year. MARGIN: 9 points
8. Georgia. They are now awesome again, in case you haven’t heard. Repeatedly. And without a shred of justification. MARGIN: 7 points
9. Florida. Would love to play them early in the year as I think the transition from Urban Finesse to Weiss Largesse will be comical at the start. By the end of the year they will revert to the spread and a modicum of competency, and we will have a game on our hands. MARGIN: 3 points
10. Mississippi State. The game is in Starkville, where even fluffy kittens get bored and die of despair. The HBC hates the place, and so do we. MARGIN: 1 point
11. Tennessee. Difficult game based on both our past history in Knoxville, and the ridiculous irony of having them potentially upset us. Oh, and Coach Graham is really a Volmanchurian Candidate for just this eventuality. MARGIN: -1 point
12. Arkansas. Our Assistant Head Coach in Charge of Defense says they are unstoppable. Who are we to question The Silver Fox: MARGIN: – 6 points.
So, based on our TRC-As-Borg-Collective calculating method, the 2011 Gamecocks are looking at a 9-3/10-2 type of year.
Not. Too. Shabby.
Oh, and seriously, shut up about the Citadel and Navy.
[note, individual TRC member predictions can be found here]