Its that time of year, gentle reader:  Preseason polls are trickling out, early All-American lists are being announced.  We here at TRC are not immune to the prognosticatory (word?  eh, maybe) ranking impulse, but we don’t EVER want to be mundane or redundant.  We want to be different.

Accordingly, we’ve decided to rank . . . our football coaching staff.

Yeah, it doesn’t make any real sense, and sure, we may well be doing it just to be ironic, but you’ve read this far, which must mean you are as starved for Gamecock football info as we are.

So here goes with the inaugural Grade School Preseason Ranking, which we may (or may not) update each week of the season.

1.  Steve Spurrier – Who else?  At this rate, the cat might just make something of himself one day.  He will be ranked #1 in this space for as long as he wants, a period of time he often describes as “two or three or so years at least.  Well, anyway.”

Score

2. Ellis Johnson – Grossly overranked here, in my opinion, but our rankings are composite scores and my other TRC cohorts are obsessed with the guy.  To me, he’s always trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, and that’s not even when he’s coaching.

3. G.A. Mangus – Popular pick in the old blogosphere.  Young, energetic, and a tireless recruiter, many have him pegged for the HBC-in-waiting.  We’re not ready to go there yet, but like his potential.

4. Shawn Elliott – based entirely on facial expressiveness.

Default Elliott Face – it gets much worse

5. Brad Lawing – based entirely on loyalty to the program.  He first coached here under Sparky Freaking Woods, for crying out loud.

6. Jay Graham – He helped get #21 on board.  And then he shepherded the freshman runningback through a record-setting year.  Heck, we’d rank him #6 on the strength of last year’s UGa beatdown alone.

7. Craig Fitzgerald – Chains, tractor tires, and attitude in the weightroom all speak well of this guy.  But its the heavy lifting of those mammoth eyebrows that earns our #7 ranking.

8. Lorenzo Ward – Our secondary, talented and experienced, was constantly confused and out of position last year, so someone – SOMEONE – has to be to blame, don’t they?  Well?  DON’T THEY???? HELLO?

9.  Junior Spurrier – Tough call.  We’ve had some hecka awesome receivers during his tenure, but we’re scared to rank him higher lest this morph into an awkward Skip Holtz situation.

10. Jeep Hunter – I dunno, but what does he coach again?  Heck of a recruiter and a super guy by all accounts, so he makes our top 10.

11. John Butler – Not ranked, due to insufficient data set.  A kickoff returned for a touchdown this year would instantly catapult him into the top 5.

12. Chris Cosh – yes we know he isn’t a current coach, but we’ve got 63 reasons to still be hatin’ on him.

[note: our individual ballots can be found here, if you are REALLY hurting for more info.]

The last few days have been awfully good if you’re a USC fan and CTU hater (guilty!).  The Gamecocks had a little resistance in the Columbia Regional.  Kudos to Georgia Southern and Stetson for being cute, scrappy little ballclubs – but ultimately they were no match for the defending champs and number four national seed.   

Our hillbilly neighbors to the north, however, had a weekend and weekday to forget.  CTU’s regional started off fine enough, with an easy victory over Sacred Heart (how do you even bring yourself to compete with that name on your chest?).  Then they ran into a little trouble against Coastal, but still had the bracket well in hand with a 2-0 record. 

Then along came UConn.  The Huskies rallied, gagged for a second, then finished off the Tigers with a dramatic walk-off win to set up a winner-take-all game Monday night.  It was at that point CTU tied together the shoelaces to their pretty white shoes and went face first into the crushed brick of whatever they call their crappy baseball stadium.

14-1.  Against Uconn.  On their home field.  In a do-or-die situation. 

Come on people, I know a lot of you wanted to see the Tigers at our place this weekend, but you have to admit – that was a freakin’ tasty piece of chocolate-covered schadenfreude we got to enjoy last night.        

• Congrats to JBJr., Matt Price, Scott Wingo, Peter Mooney, John Taylor, Adam Matthews and Bryan Harper for getting selected in the Major League draft.  For most of them their time in a Gamecock uniform is coming to a close (JBJr.’s probably already has), so enjoy while you can.
• By the way, you see who Jackie was drafted by?  A little club called the Boston Red Sox.  Who happen to have a minor league team in Greenville.  Which happens to be close to a little college called Clemson.  CTU fans will get to enjoy MORE Jackie!  I hope he brings his ring…
• Clemson football player/trackster/amateur ninja Joe Craig was suspended from the football team’s summer workouts by Dabo Swinney.  I don’t know, seems a little drastic for a simple assault and battery with intent to kill. 
• As our very own Tbone (a former John Law himself) pointed out last week, it is out of the ordinary to not have charges filed against SOMEONE when there is a scene like the Craig/Wesh bloodletting.  Other law enforcement officials agree.  When contacted, a CUPD official said, “Hey, no disembowelment, no foul.”
• Mark Bradley is surprised Georgia is picked third in the SEC East.  WHY???  They were 6-7 last year IN A DOWN YEAR IN THE SEC EAST (heard that one before?), lost their best offensive player (by far) and their best defensive player (by far).  Are members of the “dream team” recruiting class magicians?  Or hypnotists? 
• The University of Southern California was stripped of their 2004 BCS National Championship, and shortly afterwards a representative for Auburn contacted the NCAA.  Publicly, Mr. Lowder was informed the NCAA was not taking bids for the vacated title.  Privately, he was asked to bring a paper sack filled with large bills to the Gas n’ Sip off of I-20 in Anniston and “we’ll see what we can do”. 
• We should’ve known Terrelle Pryor was up to something by his Sugar Bowl helmet stickers.

Go ‘Cocks, beat UConn.  (don’t think about the bowl game…don’t think about the bowl game…)

h/t to Impalla_SS_Cock :

So let me get this straight…

On May 22, Joe Craig was involved in an incident described as “assault of high and aggravated nature” with a female track teammate.  You can read about the incident here, but it appears the altercation started at a pool party where some seemingly harmless shenanigans got out of hand.

One thing led to another, and Craig’s teammate, Marlena Wesh, allegedly felt threatend by Craig as he confronted her in “her room”, and slashed Craig’s arm with a serrated eyebrow razor (?). 

Craig, a Division I football player, obviously was concerned for his safety and proceeded to pound the holy hell out of the female track athlete Wesh with a towel bar.  The Clemson University Police Department found a disturbingly bloody scene that included a screaming and hysterical Wesh. 

Fortunately for Clemson fans everywhere, the members of the CUPD were able to calm everyone down and convince Craig and Wesh to not press charges against each other under the guise that “they were ‘teammates,’ that it was ‘bad publicity,’ and that the incident was ‘minor’.” 

Right.  Just another routine spat between teammates involving a razor, a towel bar, and a gallon of blood.  Nothing to see here, according to the CUPD. 

The CTU track coach had the good sense to suspend both players for “violation of team rules”.  But a couple of major questions remain:

Why did an incident that happened on May 22 only come to light on June 3?  And where is Dabo Swinney?  Shouldn’t he at the very least suspend Craig from the football team “until he gathers all the facts”? 

That doesn’t even take into account the CUPD’s role in all this.  Their legendary reputation for protecting members of the CTU football team only grows. 

To the parents of recruits, know that your kids can come to Clemson and stay out of trouble.  And if you happen to get into trouble…well, let’s just say you won’t get into trouble (wink).

You’ve probably already heard about Steve Spurrier’s proposal this week down at the SEC Spring Meetings in Destin, Florida.  We here at TRC were intrigued by the idea and made some calls to the other league coaches to get them on the record.  Our question to each coach was the same:  “Do you support paying each of your players $300.00 per game out of your own salary?”   Their responses follow:

James Franklin:  Coach Franklin was not contacted.  The HBC proposal specifically exempted Vandy because the Coach’s salary would not cover the expense.

Derek Dooley:  Well, I can’t really afford it, but with Saban and Spurrier glaring at me I had to agree to it.  I think I went on to make some good points in the discussion, they really listened to me, and I really got some positive vibes from Chizik.  My wife kept telling me to have a good attitude and sooner or later I would make friends, so I’m just excited to see her plan working out.  I can’t wait until the next meeting!  Hey, you seem like a nice guy, wanna get together this weekend and go hiking or something?  I could bring sandwiches?

Houston Nutt:  Hallefreakinluah its motherlovin good to hear from you-enz.  What can I do you for?  You look like you’ve lost weight.  Yeah, I know I can’t see you over the phone, but you SOUND thin.  Good on you, brother-boy.  Fitness is im-por-tant buddy.  Anyhoo, your callin me for somethin, right?  I mean these long distance calls are a bee-atch, am I right?  Hey, you heard the one about the Mustard Buzzard fan who walked into the Hatties-ville bar with a steaming pile in his hand?  Eh? Eh?  LOVE talkin’ at you buddy, BYE-BYE, now!

Mark Richt: Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal.  That’s Matthew 6:19, and I will allow the Good Book to speak for me on this issue. 

TRC: Follow up question?  Is that a yes, Coach Richt?
Mark Richt:  Absolutely not. /begins singing Just As I Am.

Joker Phillips:  Wow, you’re from where?  That’s what I thought you said.  Listen, all media request go through Coach Calipari, that’s probably who you want to talk to anyway.  See, I coach football.  Its like basketball except the ball is kinda warped and its played outside.  In fact, I’ve got a load of season tickets still available if you’re interested.  No?  Well think about it.  Anyway, I’ll transfer you to Calipari’s secretary’s secretary or whatever. 

Will Muschamp:  I think the Mighty Bulldogs of the University of Georgia would be glad to participate in such a plan.  Man its great to be back in Athens and to coach for this University I love so dearly.  [excited whispered conversation overheard on line]  Right, so Florida, F-L-O-R-I-D-A would be in favor.  That’s what I said.  Exactly.  What?

Dan Mullen:  Tell me this, just between us – what did Muschamp say about it?  I’m not trying to gossip, but I hear he’s not fitting in down there in Gator Country.  I’m not saying I wish him ill or anything, I love the little fella.  But if you hear something, would you call me?  See I’ve got a job and I’m A-1 delighted with it.  Really, I am.  Starkville is an awesome place, it’s not mind numbingly boring at all, and I’m not in a hurry to get the hell out of here.  But still, I like to stay in the loop, you know. Know the lay of the land.  How much is Franklin making up at Vandy?  Just curious.

Gene Chizik:  $300.00 bucks?  Let me tell you: Not. A. Problem.  See, I just push this button on this tiger-striped Droid phone right here and it rings right to Mr. Lowder’s office.  Private unpublished number.  Just tell his assistant, Bambi, how much money you nee-

/line abruptly goes dead.  

Les Miles:  Money? For the players?  Not needed at LSU.  Let me tell you what we do.  We feed ’em grass.  And dirt for dessert.  And they love it.  For a treat every now and then I take em out to the local petting zoo.  Well, ok its a gator wraslin arena but its interaction with nature either way, right?  And me and the Missus dreamed up this special treat where we name a star after each player on his birthday.  That’s right, a real live star.  I can give  you the website, you get a certificate and everything.  Oh, and I’ve got ’em all under me in my network marketing pyram-er, organization, so I feel like we’ve got em on the path to success.

Bobby Petrino: 

We’re sorry, but the Alltel customer at this number is not available and their voicemail inbox is full.

Nick Saban:  Let me ask YOU a question.  Do you think Excellence is important?  Do you think Quality matters?  Do metrics such as Performance, Improvement, and Consistency need to be tracked?  I for one am not motivated by money, except insofar as money indicates Quality, so let me follow-up with a couple of additional queries.  Do you eval-/at which point our TRC staff member hung up and ran stadium steps until he collapsed in self-loathing.