Ranking Gamecock Opponents by Mascot Ferocity and Other Tusings

Proving people will read about and discuss just about anything football-related (guilty as charged), a couple of new “lists” have been released this week:  the top 20 football players USC will face (subscription required, thanks again The State) and the top 20 players on USC and CTU combined (which we’ll get deeper into a little later).

In that spirit, I was trying to think of another nonsensical, useless list that might be fun for discussion.  So I came up with ”Ranking the 2011 Gamecock Opponents by Mascot Ferocity”.  Here we go, starting with the least ferocious:

  • 10, 9 and 8 – Bulldogs (Georgia, Mississippi State, The Citadel) – the most overrated mascot in the history of athletics.  Bulldogs are fat, slow, and judging by how many UGAs have bitten the dust recently, as fragile as a late-fall oak leaf.  Not nearly as ferocious as legend would have it, either.  Carry a 5-lb. bag of ice around with you and they’ll apparently be your friends for life.

    HEYYYYYY! Who wants a white wine spritzer?!?
  • 7 – Commodores (Vanderbilt) – A little fruity if you ask me.  Neatly dressed, funny hat, sheathed sword…doesn’t really seem prepared to battle.  Looks more like an outfit for a gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that) costume party.  Even so, a swift kick from that patent leather boot will put a bulldog in its grave.     
  • 6 – Volunteers (Tennessee) – Strikes me as a bit of a hillbilly redneck Commodore.  You ever shot a musket?  Not exactly high-tech or particularly effective.  And I’m still not sure what they’re volunteering for.  I can just see those beady eyes peering beneath a coonskin cap, “He shore got a purdy mouth, don’t he?”
  • 5 – Tigers (CTU) – fierce, scary animals to be sure, but they lose points because they’re trite and oh so boring.  CTU loses a spot because their secondary color is purple.  Still not sure who thought that was a good idea.
  • 4 – Tigers (Auburn) – Navy Blue > Purple
  • 3 – Wildcat (Kentucky) – Another overused mascot name, but a good one nonetheless.  Anything with “Wild” in it is cool.  Houston Nutt thought it was so cool he named an offensive formation after it, even though he was coaching the Razorbacks.   
  • 2 – Razorbacks (Arkansas) – now we’re talking.  These are mean, smelly, nasty, unintelligent animals with no regard for their own well-being.  Kind of like Ed Orgeron if he was not human (provided he is human).  Points for originality and the fact their fan base doesn’t mind being called “’Hogs”. 
  • 1 – Midshipmen (Navy) – SEAL Team Six.  Enough said.

Other Tusings:

  • Back to the Post & Courier ranking of the best players at USC and Clemson – Tajh Boyd at number seven?  Really?  And seven spots ahead of Stephen Garcia?  That’s a good way to lose credibility in a hurry.  Other surprises – any freshman on the list, and Bruce Ellington, who hasn’t put on the pads for almost two years.
  • After a third loss in four SEC games for USC on Friday night, I have to admit I was thought it was the beginning of the end for 2011 USC baseball.  Too many injuries and not enough starting pitching would be our downfall.  But lo and behold, Scott Wingo gave us another highlight-reel moment with a walk-off solo homer on Saturday.  The confidence carried over to Sunday in spanking arguably the best team in the SEC West.  It’s getting hard to doubt this Gamecock baseball team.
  • The Darren Horn to Murray State rumors cracked me up, but I’m not exactly sure why – that he might actually entertain that move, or the fact that I woudn’t be that bothered by it.  Either way, it shows what a steaming pile our program has become.
  • The TV series Friday Night Lights is drawing to a close, and if you’re a football fan and a TV fan and you’re not watching it, you’re missing out.  Do yourself a favor and catch up at Hulu or get your hands on the DVD’s.  (Side note:  I chased down Coach Taylor’s wife on a New York City street a few years ago to tell her how much I appreciated her assets the show.)
  • Finally, here is an exclusive video clip of a confrontation between Eric Hyman and Stephen Garcia.  Enjoy.        

One thought on “Ranking Gamecock Opponents by Mascot Ferocity and Other Tusings

  1. I recognize that Bender = Garcia, but the quote “I expected more from a varsity lettermen” made me snort out a portion of the contents of my styrofoam-clad travel cup sweet tea.

Comments are closed.