Since there is already a column out there called This Week in Schadenfreude, I am relegated to calling this column the much more pedestrian The Comeuppance Report; or, Who I’m Pulling Against this Week.
After week one, here are just a few choices
Georgia – an obvious selection, I know. I hate them and their smuggery so much. But make no mistake, Georgia hates us back in a big way. They always say their rival tank is full, with the likes of Florida, Tennessee, Auburn and Georgia Tech on the schedule. They just don’t have time to hate us, but thanks for asking (pat on the head, run along and play now). They want us to be Kentucky or Vanderbilt so bad they can’t stand it. But we just won’t oblige. While they beat us more often than not, it’s always a nail biter, and losses to us are much more crushing to them than they let on. A deep-seated hatred for South Carolina bubbles just below the surface of every Georgia fan. Let’s hope this year we can break their spirits again.
Jamie Harper and Andre Ellington – The backfield duo of CTU have announced to the world they want to be known as “New Storm”. Yeah, and I want to be known as Sergeant Badass Chickmagnet Superman, but it ain’t gonna happen. As the saying goes, if you have to give yourself a nickname, then it’s not really a nickname. And if you ask for that nickname after rushing for 100 yards each against NORTH FREAKIN’ TEXAS (best known for their courageous performance against the guards in The Longest Yard), then the NCAA should be investigating you for narcissism-enhancing drugs.
Cam Newton – Simply because I don’t want him to be that good (and I don’t think he is: see Texas, North). The Auburn fans I work and play with have come out of the woodwork like cockroaches when the kitchen lights have been turned off and a month-old loaf of bread has been scattered across the floor. One guy actually danced in my office this morning out of giddiness. Danced. In my office. Turn on the lights Dan Mullen, turn on the lights.
North Carolina – News flash, YOU LOST. Stop throwing around the words courage and spirit and determination, and mix in the words “blew it”. You took LSU and The Hat down to the wire. In the SEC we call that “Saturday”. Get over yourselves.
Tulane (who is hosting Ole Miss) – We’ve all had a good laugh, now it’s time to move on. You know you thought “what if that happened to us?” You know you did. And how did it feel? Horrifying, right? Now let’s leave the Ackbars alone and let them regain some of their dignity.
Brent Musburger – if you listened to last night’s Boise State-Virginia Tech game, this requires no explanation whatsoever.