Things Readily Apparent (Wherein we say stuff you already knew)

Note to Buck, the second part of the title is meant to be ironic, OK?

While you probably already knew the following:

– Auburn faced South Carolina in the SEC Championship Game last December.  ESPN just learned this yesterday.

– Alshon Jeffrey is kind of a big fella.  EPSN just learned this yesterday.

– The University of Miami is a rogue institution with a cancerous athletic department.  ESPN  just learned this yesterday (the rest of the sports media knew for some time, apparently).

– CTU signs under-sized and over-hyped running backs of questionable intelligence and/or morals (oh and they have all the tenacious endurance of warm playdough.

– Danny Sheridan places bets on the Arbitron numbers for Paul Finebaum’s radio show, and when he’s guessed too high he will go to any length to correct his error.

– Nick Saban and the staff are incredible recruiters.  So much so that they are able to overcome competing recruiters armed with snake oil disguised as religion (cough, CTU, cough), bags-o-cash (cough, Auburn, cough), and prostitutes (I’m not even gonna cough: MIAMI), and despite image-killing weakness such as this:

– Blog posts that only link you to other stories elsewhere on the interwebs should be called “Daily Links of Interest” or “Today around the ‘Net” or something, and should never pretend otherwise.

The Skinny on SEC Expansion

The quiet murmurs have become a deafening roar among commentators: The Southeastern Conference is about to expand.

With Texas A&M all but announcing their switch outright, the questions now swirling in the zeitgeist have moved from the Aggies’ membership to some version or the other of “who’s next?”

Based on our extensive list (well, it’s more like a few phone numbers jotted down on a cocktail napkin) of well-connected sources (actually upon review this appears to be a drunken scrawl of a ceviche recipe) we offer the following Insider ™ guide to the potential SEC expansion candidates, in order of likelihood:

  1. Florida State – Let’s be honest, they’ve kinda been in the SEC all along, haven’t they? And their location in that southern Georgia part of eastern Alabama makes perfect geographic sense.  Oh and that FSU chick is pretty hot.
  2. Kentucky – they’ve been in the conference for basketball for decades, so it’s a natural fit for them join up as a football school as well, assuming that is, they actually have a football team.
  3. Notre Dame – They’ll have to join the rest of us in the 90s, er 2010s or whatever first, cause we don’t call our lady-folk “dames” around here.   But the gold helmets would look good on someone who knows how to play football (we are looking straight at you, Vandy).  Oh and the big ol’ Jesus statute looks like the one at Dollywood, so there’s that.
  4. Oregon State – but only if they can be Carolina’s permanent Western Division foe.  And if you have to ask why, then I don’t know what to tell you.
  5. Carla Gugino – her name doesn’t really fit, I’ll grant you, but she’s built for a physical style of football.  Fast, too.
  6. Miami – Auburn needs a travel partner to and from the detention center.  Miami will totally hold your weed for you, Tigs, and has ZERO problem with carrying around loads of cash.
  7. Oregon and Virginia Tech together –throw Carolina in there and you have the legendary culinary treat, the turduckin.
  8. Missouri – not really, that would be stupid, but everyone keeps mentioning them for some reason.
  9. Oklahoma – Hot weather?  Check. Traditional Unis? Check.  Willingness to blatantly cheat?  Check.  Oh and Stoopsie wears a visor.
  10. Ohio State – wait that’s a bad idea, since they have an even worse record against the SEC than Southern Miss, Troy, or Memphis.
  11. Texas Tech.  Just to get Tommy Turberville back in the conference.  Stupid onside kick in the third quarter, dang it.  #jugears
  12. TCU – Is there a mascot more tailor-made for the SEC than a daggum frog?  Added bonus here is that it would really piss off those losers in the Big East.  Oh, we would need to educate the LSU fans that the Superfrog is not actual food.
  13. The British chick from Captain America – but only if Gugino turns us down first.
  14. Memphis – NOT! (HA, I TROLLZ YOU, BLUE TIGERS!)
  15. North Carolina State – hear me out on this one.  Yes they suck at everything.  But “The Wolfpack” is the batcrap coolest mascot out there.  I wish WE were the Wolfpack, for crying out loud. It would also annoy the Tarheels, which is all we’ve been trying to do since the 1970s around here, so . . .
  16. Furman University –  For personal reasons.  Move along, gentle reader.
  17. Louisville – Someone in the Bluegrass State needs to represent on the gridiron, right? Plus they have a bird mascot, which appeals to me for some reason.
  18. William Shatner – Man never quits.  Bad toupee and old as hell, but he’s got like 5 shows on TV right now and a hit music album.  If the SEC is going after Arbitron numbers, then look no further than the Captain.
  19. Georgia – we want the Pre-Richt/Donnan/Goff version to rejoin the conference.  Remember when the Dawgs were relevant?  Me neither.
  20. CTU – cause it makes them so orgasmically happy just to be mentioned in any SEC speculation, and I’m starting to feel this [] much sorry for the miserable little inbred cretins.

TRC SEC Weekly Bowl Projections (now with more initials)

BCS Title Game:Boise Statevs. Oregon- If the center of the college football world is the Southeastern United States, how in the #^&%$!*& could this happen? Oh, and if you are a betting man, take theOVER for combined points, whatever it is. And yes, I know this is not an SEC Bowl game, but it should be.
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Auburn vs. Ohio State – The idea of these two quarterbacks on the same field will be TVratings gold – that is, if either of them are still eligible to play.
Capitol One Bowl:LSUvs. Michigan State -D’antonio and his heart troubles coupled with Miles and his brain troubles will be an interesting side story.
Cotton Bowl:Arkansas vs.Oklahoma – Can we get the Okies to keep the Arkies as pets after this one is over? Fair warning, Sooners, the ‘backs aren’t house trained.
Outback Bowl: Florida vs. Penn State – Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Don’t believeme? It’s actually a stretch that these two programs get this high.
Chick-fil-aBowl: Anyone-But-South-Carolina-No-Matter-How-Much-We-Have-to-Torture-the-Logic (publically, the committee will simply say “Damn it, you mean we HAVE to take South Carolina”) vs. Florida State.
Gator Bowl: Mississippi State vs.Iowa – new style offense against old style offense. Oh, and also, cowbells versuscowbelles.
Music City Bowl: Georgia vs. Boston College – this is a matchup that once would have mattered, and maybe evenhappened in a Peach Bowl (memory fuzzy) once upon a time. Oh, and A.J. Green: you spurned the home state school for this? BWWAAAHHHAAA x infinity.
Liberty Bowl:Tennessee vs.Central Florida[or somebody,I’m not really sure which teams are in Conference USA -I do have a life, you know]. Still hoping that the zeitgeist catches on to my Derek-Dooley-is-Bob-Crane meme.
Birmingham Bowl:Kentucky vs Louisville -because the first time around was so compelling. What, it wasn’t? Who cares, suck it B-ham.
The High Point of the Trip. I Know, That's Sad.