News came this week that The State’s Gamecock beat writer Joe Person has been fired promoted reassigned to The Charlotte Observer to cover the Carolina Panthers.  After a couple of hours of celebratory toasting, we here at TRC decided to offer Panther fans an introduction to the experience that is Joe Person.  Accordingly:

Panther fans, be advised of the impending hair gel shortage that will soon strike the Greater Charlotte/Rock Hill metro area.  While it will be hard to attribute this market fluctuation entirely to Joe’s arrival, we do note that AXE Pro Style Flex Gel became impossible to find in Columbia after Person joined the local paper.  In a related matter, you will soon find yourself discussing the adult male fauxhawk, and whether it can be worn by any grown man, even if intended as an ironic symbol of futility.

Secondly, stock up on anti-depressants.  The visual equivalent of hearing Person talk is seeing week old puppies sent to the gas chamber.  Person sounds like Eeyor from Winnie the Pooh, except 75% more depressed.  He makes Steven Wright look like Richard Simmons. 

Also, you will soon know more about player injuries than you ever thought possible.  You will learn next to nothing about strengths, weaknesses, backgrounds, or motivations of Panther players, but if one of them misses a rep at practice, Dr. Person will comment on it.  He will also ask about the player’s condition as soon as the coach takes a post-practice question, and will follow up with another question about when the player will return, how the absence will impact the game plan, and if the coaches are reevaluating the practice regime in light of the injury.

Along those lines, you will soon learn that Person is the master of the leading question.  Instead of asking a player about an upcoming game or practice, etc., Joe will ask a question with a yes or no answer, and then cut off the player if he tries to explain.  This tactic allows Joe to continue whatever storyline he is already pushing while remaining unmolested by cumbersome facts.  It also insures that the fans learn next to nothing about their favorite team.  Oh, and by the way, the leading question is usually negative, as in “Did you get hurt today in practice, or are you just unmotivated because of your personal issues with your position coach?”

Your coaching staff is about to get grumpier, less responsive to the public, and more motivated to quickly leave the employ of your organization.  Why?  See above.

Since you are fans of a professional sports team, you will be unencumbered by Joe’s apparent NCAA investigation fetish.  However, Panther players should be warned now – if they have an alcohol problem, painkiller addiction, domestic abuse record, or grandmother who hasn’t paid their note at the assisted living facility, it will be uncovered by Det. Person.  How the Panthers game plan for Roddy White or if they plan to rotate quarterbacks is, however, beneath his notice (understanding?). 

Cheers, Charlotte!  Your best bet is that Joe is quickly fired promoted reassigned to Greensboro’s News &  Observer.

How many of us have resorted to hyperbole to make a point? ‘This bag weighs a ton,’ or ‘I’m about to fall over dead’ are common expressions, and convey meaning in a concise and easy to understand fashion. No one takes these saying literally, and no one is offended by their frequent usage.

To pick another example – completely at random, mind you – we have CTU Head Coach Dabo Swinney’s recent assertion that Sophomore QB Kyle Parker is better than many starters in the NFL. Of course he wasn’t serious. Of course he was purposefully using a rhetorical device in make a point. We don’t take asinine statements such as these seriously, because we all recognize that the statement is false on its face.

Let me illustrate:

If I said that Dabo Swinney was an ignoramus, you might think I was asserting a truth. But if I am merely trying to make a point with rhetorical flair, I might be suggesting something less than his complete and utter buffoonery.

If I asserted that the entire history of Tiger football is defined by mediocrity, that their supposed tradition consists only of distant and ill-gotten victories won at the expense of institutional honesty and fair competition, then you will quickly forgive, because I might only be making a dramatic point.

Or if I suggested that the entire CTU football program is based on smoke and mirrors, that at its very core it is a grandiose and vapid lie, then you won’t be upset, because you will recognize that I may be speaking hyperbolically.

Or maybe, just maybe, Dabo was serious.

And maybe I am as well.

– Kentucky Head Coach In Waiting, Joker Phillips, has a quarterback controversy.  Not content to juggle two guys in the spot, the decisive Joker is still toying with at least three.  His choices appear to be; 1. The slow one with the weak arm, 2. the slower one with the slightly weaker arm, or 3. the fast one without arms.  All the while, the right choice is staring him in the face with olive colored eyes – eyes that see into your very soul.

– Consider Mark Richt, veteran thespian, with his fully clothed dramatic swan dive.  Is it art, smug self-indulgence, or a pre-enactment of the Dawgs 2010 season?  I’ve watched it a dozen times, dear friends, and the answer is ‘all of the above’.

– CTU’s transformation from legitimate football program to children’s cartoon show accelerates! The “All In Anthem“, as composed and performed by a couple of freshman DBs, explores the various rhyming possibilities of Dabo’s famous slogan. Sadly, it appears that these possibilities are limited to the word “ballin”, although the fresh freshmen occasionally throw in an unexpected “ball out” to keep things interesting.

– The Tennessee football program might not always play by the rules.  I know, I was surprised as well.

As we enter the midpoint of fall camp, here are some storylines you may have missed:

– PJB Champ UConn indefinitely suspended a bunch of guys they really, really needed, but still weren’t good enough to play in the SEC.  The remainder of the Huskies are all 4-feet tall, enjoy crochet and afternoon tea, but would still pound the stuffing out of the Gamecocks.  Apparently it’s like rock/paper/scissors:  the paper looks weak and outmatched, but it always tops the rock.

– Bubba Drago will definitely play in the opener per the HBC.  No word on whether he will play quarterback, or will serve as the entire defensive line by himself.

– Coach said all spring that some of the freshmen O-linemen would play, but I thought he was just being cute.  Now, after one upperclassman blew out his knee, two betrayed a lack of conditioning necessary to complete practice, and eight others succumbed to the bubonic plague, it appears Spurrier was a prophet.  Oh, and one of our twelve walk-on long-snappers is now the 3rd string center.

– Sometime back the UNC Tar Heels looked away from their agent booty long enough to scuttle a scheduled game with the Gamecocks. They signed up instead for a home and home with the Mighty Volunteers.  Now that UT is apparently scared of anything other than Smokey’s shadow, the planned series is in limbo.     Could it be that Wesley Saunders and Marvin Austin flew down to Miami to try to work this all out?  Sounds plausible to me.  Of course, at one point I believed Brad Scott was a genius.

Comedy or Tragedy? Depends When You Ask.

– Coach Spurrier says we are pretty decent woefully bad ok nothing to brag about this year.  He says the quarterbacks are much improved disgusting exciting stupid a work in progress and the Oline looks stronger weaker committed to excellence average.   Hello Everyyear, nice to see you again.

– Mustard Buzzard head screw Larry Fedora is skipping the walkback and is opting instead for a full-blown reverse sprint.  A timeline to illustrate:

July 15th: “[C]ollege football fan in this entire country will be watching us – watching the Golden Eagles beating South Carolina,”

August 7th: “[O]ur guys are excited to be able to go out and compete against South Carolina.”

August 15th: “We understand South Carolina’s probably got one of the best teams they’ve had in years. We understand what Coach Spurrier and his staff are capable of doing.”

Who knew “Dat Boy” had so much influence on popular culture?  The LA alternative band Lifehouse has a new single out, and they’re “All In” just like Swinney.  Watch and listen (if you can):

The name of the album is “Smoke and Mirrors”.

Ask any random Gamecock fan and they will probably tell you that the rivalry game against the Clemson Tiger University is the most important game of the year.  Ask that same fan to name the game that is the best predictor of Carolina’s hopes, and they will invariably point towards Athens, Georgia.

In fact, conventional wisdom holds that the South Carolina–Georgia game is a good barometer of the season for both teams.  This feeling is reinforced by the early date of the contest, which does tend to set expectations for both fan bases. 

But the fact is that the SC–UGA game is a very poor predictor of the Gamecock’s yearly fortunes.  Since joining the SEC, South Carolina has lost five different times to Georgia and gone on to have a winning record.  Also, South Carolina failed to have a winning record in two years where they beat the Bulldogs (’93 and ’07).  In other words, in almost half of the meetings between the two teams, South Carolina’s outcome against Georgia does not serve as a predictor of the season’s total result.

Surprisingly, the outcome of the SC-Arkansas matchup bears a much stronger correlation to the Gamecock’s annual record.  Since the two schools joined the league, only one SC team (’97) has defeated the Razorbacks and gone on to have a losing record.  On only three occasions have the Gamecocks lost to Arkansas and gone on to have a winning season.  In the remaining fourteen contests, the result of the SC-Ark ballgame has accurately predicted the Gamecock’s annual record.

Given this strong correlation, why doesn’t the average Gamecock fan identify the Razorbacks as a more important opponent?   This question came to my mind only after reading an interesting post on the excellent Team Speed Kills blog (which, as a fan of the SEC, you should already be reading).

The two schools play every year as permanent interdivision foes, but for a variety of reasons a heated rivalry has failed to develop.   First, the two schools are almost 1000 mile apart, and the annual contest is usually the farthest the visiting team travels to play a game each year.  Probably as a result of this distance, the two fan bases don’t interact that often (although one super Razorback fan does host me and Buck at the Chic-fil-a Kickoff each year) and the schools do not usually recruit against each other.  At present, neither roster contains a player from the other’s home state.

The series stands at 7 wins for SC, 11 for Arkansas.  Since 2004 the record is knotted at 3 wins each.  The individual contests, however, are usually not that memorable.  The average margin of victory in the SC-Ark game is 16 points.  In only three meetings has the margin of victory been a field goal or less.   Put another way, the loser of the Gamecock–Razorback struggle usually gets blown out.

I’m sure the coaching staff places as much emphasis on the Arkansas game as on any conference foe.  But in my opinion, the Gamecock fan base needs to move the Razorbacks up in importance.  

Oh, and since I’ve got my media guide out – do you know how many times the Gamecocks have beat the Dawgs and the Pigs in the same season?  Only twice (’96 and 2000). 

And in both of those years we went on to have winning records.

– tbone

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