I’m a Presbyterian.

That may be a strange way to start a blog post about college football, so let me explain.  Presbyterians have been accused of giving very little credence to the idea of free will, opting instead to attribute spiritual issues to providence or predestination.

Gene Chizik must also be a Presbyterian.  And Gene Chizik’s God is a really, really, big fan of Predestined Gene Chizik and his Providential Auburn Tigers.  When ESPN’s Erin Andrews approached Coach Chizik after the CTU game and asked him to explain his team’s overtime victory, Coach Chizik opined that it was attributable to divine intervention, that it was “a God thing” [his words].   Not a good week of practice, not Cam Newton’s resilience, not his teams tenacity in overcoming a 17-point deficit, but instead, it was God.

Now I’m not faulting Chizik for looking at Erin Andrews and thinking about God.  In fact, I’ve improperly used the Almighty’s name a few times in reference to the comely sports reporter.  What bothers me is his apparent belief that God somehow wanted Auburn to win an out-of-conference amateur sporting contest.

It’s a ridiculous assertion, even to my Presbyterian ears.

But his theological assertions are apparently spreading throughout the Plains.  Witness Freshman RB/WR/Hype Machine Trevon Reed’s recent comments about his sore kneecap: “I wanted to question God about it, but I knew I couldn’t because He does everything for a reason.”  

Puuuuhhhhleaze.

Oh, and in related news, God apparently wants Chizik to hire a well-known bagman, commit multiple recruiting violations, and then proudly assert that winning is more important than playing by the rules.

The bit about God hating C.T.U.?

Well, doesn’t everybody?

scrub well today
boys

coach dooley
demands

while meyer
stares

at the center’s
behind

The really amazing thing about this play is that Tori Gurley was not involved in some way.

How many times a day do you hear something described as ‘ironic?’

Without launching into hyperbole (another grossly misused word, witness any speech by Vice President Biden) I think I can safely say that I hear it every day.

And it’s almost always used incorrectly.  There’s even a 90’s era pop song by Alanis Morrisette called Isn’t it Ironic where the singer lists a series of unfortunate events that she repeatedly, and incorrectly, labels as ironic.

Ironic does not mean unexpected. Ironic does not mean surprising. Ironic does not mean contradictory.  Ironic does not even mean incongruous. Instead, something can rightly be described as ironic when the words or actions offered have a meaning different from what is expected, and the underlying message or situation has a profound or humorous result (whether intended or not).

Let me give an example.

This morning during my daily commute, I made the frequently unwise decision to listen to local sports radio.  As I live in the western part of Upstate South Carolina, WCCP out of Clemson is the sports radio station with the strongest signal.  That’s right, the C.T.U. propaganda station is my only local option.

This morning’s topic was the CTU-Auburn matchup.  After about 10 minutes of fascinating analysis by host Mickey Plyler (i.e. Cam Newton is a big framed guy, Auburn is only favored because it’s at home, etc.), his sidekick (whose name escapes me, but he sounds like a local [cue banjo music]) suddenly weighed in by saying “They’re ‘All In’ at Auburn now, can’t believe they stole that.” Mr. Plyler laughed in agreement, and then the commercials kicked in.

So apparently Gene Chizik is using the ‘All In’ slogan that Dabo pimped so diligently a couple of years back.  I guess I missed it, what with all the actually important football games going on, but this perceived slight is evidently a big deal in CTU world.

Here’s where the unintended irony kicks in: Everything about CTU is a cheap rip-off of someone or something else.

The mascot?  Copied from Auburn

The colors? Copied from Auburn(but with leftover jerseys where the blue had faded to purple #imcrappingyounegative)

The fight song? Copied from LSU

The stadium nickname?  Again, copied from LSU.

Howard’s Rock?  A leftover doorstop.

The head coach? A recycled real estate agent.

So the WCCP cats were calling someone else a rip off when they are completely copied themselves.

Isn’t it ironic?

I remember when I read about this game three years ago in the The Greenville News.  My first reaction was “cccoooooollll”, but upon further reflection I realized it was a no-win proposition. 

You see, I graduated from Furman University.  And then I went on to get a graduate degree from USC.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve hated C.T.U since their Charlie Pell Semi-Pro Days, and my first strong memory of college sports was watching (and instantly loving) Big George on a Sunday morning telecast of The Jim Carlen Show.  My feelings for Carolina are strong, deep, and go back a long ways.

But how I feel about Furman is different.  Furman is the first place that ever made me feel dumb, and the first place I ever debated a teacher and won.  It’s the first place I read William Faulkner, and the place where I discovered Henry Miller.  It was the first time I ever lived on my own, and the place where I dreamed up and then executed a scheme to camp all the way to California.  It was where I first learned how to pick up girls and where I lost my -woah, [cough] ’bout to get too personal there.

Regardless, I love Furman.  And I won’t ever be able to pull against my alma mater.

But this might be (dear Chicken-Curse-in-Exile, I said might be) a special year at Carolina, and so I can’t pull for a JMU/Vtech style upset of my Gamecocks.

And it’s not like the game is a given.  Furman has a history of playing the big boys tough.  A couple of victories over NC State, a beatdown of a Georgia Tech squad, and a hard-fought victory over the Gamecocks during Richard Bell’s lone season as head coach are all modern-era examples.  Ask the Tar Heels about playing Furman for an even more recent example.   I fondly remember sitting in the dorm room as a third year student and listening to the radio broadcast as the Paladins dropped a close  contest against the Florida Gators and their first year head coach, some guy named Spurrier.

So I’ve played this game out in my head several different ways, and I think the following is the only thing that will make me happy:

1st Quarter – South Carolina runs two methodical drives down the field, and takes a 14-0 lead.  Furman picks up a couple of first downs, and kicks a long field goal to make it 14-3.

2nd Quarter – Connor Shaw engineers a drive that ends in a field goal.  Johnson starts sitting 1st stringers.  Furman drives the field against the 2nd string and scores to make it 17-10 at the half.

3rd Quarter – Garcia plays the first series, throws TD pass to Jeffrey.  Shaw engineers another drive that ends in a field goal. SC 27 FU 10 at end of quarter.

4th quarter – Spurrier begins mass substitution with walk-ons, etc.  Furman scores two late touchdowns (one on a 50 yard  out-and up against Carolina’s 4th string cornerback).

Final Score South Carolina 27 Furman 24.  Respectable showing by the Paladins, but the Gamecocks can leave the field knowing their first units weren’t touched.  Absolutely no injuries by either team.

This outcome might hurt us in the polls slightly (and that might be a good thing) but it keeps all the 2010 goals on the table for Carolina and lets Furman hold its head high as well.

Probably Outcome?  No. 

But it sure would make this dual-degree holder happy.

 

Not Garcia to Lattimore, although that was dandy.  Instead this exchange during the 2nd quarter of today’s radio broadcast:

Todd Ellis:  Lattimore trying to OWN Williams Brice Stadium!

Tommy Suggs:  With running like that, I’d give him the place for free . . . but that’s illegal.

Todd Ellis: So I’ve heard!

so much depends
upon

coach miles’
hat

pulled low over
his eyebrows

and absolutely
empty.

In case you missed it, word came down yesterday that South Carolina received an official “Letter of Inquiry” from the NCAA.  The letter references the eligibility issues surrounding some of the players, but drops an ominous hint that the enforcement types fully intend to find some other wrongdoing while they are in town,

My reaction?

Good.  Great.  It’s about freakin’ time.

I hope we take this tip from the home office and run with it.  I say we throw the rulebook out the window and get us some goody while we can.  Really get creative and find some new ways to cheat.  Hire a bunch of ringers from NFL practice squads, or start paying players to transfer from elsewhere, maybe win an SEC title or two and perhaps even grab some BCS crystal.

What’s that, you say?  We might get put on probation or have some victories stripped or lose some scholarships?

Big Motherlovin’ Deal.

Alabama is the defending BCS champion, right?  Does anybody even mention that those championship players were recruited and signed during a period when Bama had an illegal textbook sales program that netted their players hundreds and even thousands of dollars each?  No need to sell a game jersey, just get free textbooks and then resale them to your classmates at 100% profit.  And this was just after they came off probation for other violations.

What about Southern Cal?  You think they are going to give back the trophies they won with bought and paid for players?  You think they are finding it harder to recruit now that Ari Gold can’t openly bankroll their backfield?

And Tennessee?  I won’t even get in to the Lane Kiffin / David Reeves plan of sending grown women “escorts” to high school football games.  I’ll mention instead the scandal surrounding their National Championship Quarterback T Martin and all the academic shenanigans that were so blatant that the professors even started complaining.  Do you think Tennessee is ashamed of its championship?

What about Auburn?  The 1993 team went undefeated, and still trumpets the achievement from the rooftops despite the fact that those players were involved in such a morass of infractions that the NCAA banned them from TV and bowl games for two years.

What about our friends up at C.T.U.?  In the late 1970s, they set up a virtual professional sports team in the Upstate under Charlie Pell and Danny Ford.  They paid players, violated recruiting rules, and broke so many NCAA mandates that the school received the harshest penalties ever imposed by the sanctioning body at that time. They won a MNC over a punchless Nebraska team with all those illegal players, and have the championship banner displayed in the stadium to this day.   Thirty years down the road, I still see 1981 National Champ t-shirts and hats everywhere on rednecks in the upstate, so apparently they don’t care that it was all an ill-gotten gain.  It hasn’t ended either, with further probation following in the 90’s for, guess what?  Payin’ Playas. 

Also, keep in mind that the NCAA spends very little time poking around in programs that are losing, so take it all as a good sign.

I just wish we would really cheat in earnest, go get our store-bought title, and then brag about if for the next thirty years.