Kenny Miles created a significant stir among the Cheetos finger-stained, bonus-room dwelling, 7th-year junior, CTU fan set this week when he posted the above photo on his twitter feed.  The picture, which purports to show the Gamecock running back inside of the Copycat Imitation Death Valley (as most know, the real one is in Baton Rouge, the real REAL one is in California) flashing three fingers in an apparent reference to the three consecutive victories South Carolina now enjoys over the hapless Tigers.

As we have often mentioned in this space, the acrimony between the fanbases of our State Flagship University and its junior neighbor is often overblown and based on senseless misunderstandings.  We have, as always, determined that the best path forward is to patiently explain occurrences such as these to our CTU friends annoying unemployed brother-in-laws in hopes of diffusing the situation.  We also find that such discussions are best conducted in simple sentences and with the aid of primary-colored visual aids, but I digress . . .

Our point is this:  Calm down, Tigers.  We realize that your steady diet of Mountain Dew and pork rinds has you a little wired at present, and the fact that your university is apparently no longer able to defeat the State Flagship School in ANY SPORT WHATSOEVER may be exacerbating your condition.  Regardless, we would like to offer some further commentary on the photo that might serve to place it in proper context.  And if in doing so we bring a little peace between the school in the premier collegiate athletic conference and the school that’s – ahem – NOT in a premier collegiate athletic conference, then all the better.

So here you are, context and explanation of the Kenny Miles, Faux Death Valley, three finger salute:

–  He’s not actually making a reference to the three consecutive football wins.  Instead, Miles is flashing his jersey number, but wise discretion prohibited the photographer from showing the other hand and #31’s method of conveying the other digit.

– The three fingers could also represent the number of Clemson locals that said “Hey buddy, that green thing hangin off your collar is the smallest bib I’ve ever seen!”

– The photo is not actually taken in Clemson, SC.  Since the Gamecocks now completely own the Tigers, this stadium is kept inside the weight room in Williams Brice Stadium.

– Speaking of weight rooms, here’s a little known fact:   Tiger Strength and Conditioning Coach Joey Batson thinks “weight rooms” are the little places with plastic chairs where he lingers before seeing his chiropractor.

– If you look closely, you can see that the photo was taken just prior to the last Tiger home football game.  CTU Sports Information Director Tim Bourret reported attendance as “83,001.”

– Miles is a secret Mountineer fan, and went to the stadium because he heard the best place to find West Virginia players was in the Clemson endzone.

– You see Tillman Hall in the background?  It was named after former Senator “Pitchfork” Ben Tillman.  If you get a minute, Google ‘Pitchfork Ben Tillman’ and then tell why they would name a building after that clown.  Yeah, I don’t get it, either.

– For reasons that underscore the inadequacies of Clemson men, all Clemson women cry bitterly when they see that large towering cylindrical structure in the middle of campus.

– You see the scoreboard ad for Fatz?  That’s not a reference to the local restaurant chain, instead its referring to Assistant AD, Brad Scott.  And yes, that’s how they think it’s spelled.

– Miles IS holding up his fingers to represent the number three, but only as he delivered the punchline to the following joke:

You know how to make Clemson Cookies?  Easy, just put some dough in an orange bowl and beat it for this many hours.”

– OR, Miles is holding up the three fingers because that was CTU Honor Graduate C.J. Spiller’s Wonderlic score.

– OR, Miles is holding up the three fingers because that’s how many years Dabo Sweeney slept in his mom’s bed during college.  Really sweet story, btw.

There you go, Fanboys.  Hope this helps.

As most of you have already heard/read/screamed like a little girl about, the University of South Carolina Board of Trustees called a special meeting for Tuesday morning at 10:00 am.  Per numerous media outlets, this meeting will involve an executive session (i.e. closed to public) discussion regarding a “contractual matter.”

What, you may be asking, is this innocuous-sounding “contractual matter”?

Based on our well-placed and nonexistent sources, we are confident that the meeting will almost certainly be about one of the following:

– The re-hiring of Darrin Horn.   Based on the not-so-subtle jabs he’s currently taking at us (ouch and ouch!) we’ve rethought the firing and are begging him to return.  Oh, and Calipari thinks he’s the right fit for the job.

– An amendment to the HBC’s contract, requiring him to wear a shirt in public.  Once was funny, but the second time is like peeking at your old man in the shower.  Or worse, your mother.

– The addition to campus of an actual Dave Odom Memorial Credibility Warchest, which each of our major sport’s head coaches will be required to fill.   With gamecock championship banners.  And soon.

– The firing of Ray Tann . . . I can’t even type it.  It’s that beyond ridiculous.

– The hiring of Ray Tanner as Athletic Director.  Now that came off the fingertips nice and sssmmoooottthhh.

– Approval of construction of a bronze statue outside the CLA of Gregg Marshall for his lifetime contribution to college basketball.

– Clarification of the Spur position.  Is it an outside linebacker?  Is it a safety?  The BOT’s limited football acumen needs satisfying AAARRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

– Deeding CTU back over to the ACC.  Turns out that owning them is boring.  Oh, and they smell like the low piece of the pasture, if you know what I mean.

– The reinstatement of Stephen Garcia.

– Approval of the contract that will make Frank Martin the head basketball coach at South Carolina.  One second thought:  naw, couldn’t be something that good.

Everything we know at TRC, listed as quickly as we possibly can:

– Tubby Smith is a great choice for South Carolina’s MBB coaching vacancy.  In other news from 1998, There’s Something About Mary is hilarious, Dale Earnhardt (Senior) finally own the Daytona 500, and these cute little Beanie Babies are really gonna be worth something someday.

– Our Baseball team is horrible.  And our Baseball team is great.   Or something, but clearly Price is a closer and Koumas is a starter.

– WBB coach Dawn Staley is kinda hot.  There, I said it.  And I don’t mean like she’s a hot coaching prospect.  Oh, and we’re in the Sweet Sixteen, so she’s also a hot coaching prospect.

– Spring Practice is BORING this year.  Which is good, I guess.  And probably 90% attributable to the fact that Stephen Garcia has exhausted his eligibility.  The other 10% is attributable to the fact that all our starters are on the sidelines watching.

– If you aren’t already, you need to be following the college football sub-reddit.  If you aren’t familiar with reddit, then here’s a good sample: a hilarious look inside what trends are disturbing some of the other CFB fanbases.

[click the photo for video, IF YOU DARE!]

Yesterday something significant happened in all the major sports.  Well, maybe not women’s basketball, but since they announced an NCAA tourney bid the day before, we can cut Coach Staley and her charges some slack.

First the big news.  As in BIG NEWS.  After only 18 months of needing to do it, AD Eric Hyman quickly moved to relieve MBB Coach Darrin Horn of his duties.  In listening to the press conference yesterday, I was struck by how reasonable and deliberate the AD sounded, which must mean I fell asleep and dreamed the whole thing, or its time to up my welbutrin script.  Again.

One thing Hyman made clear was that money would not be a problem in the search for a replacement candidate.  Despite hinting that the Horn hire was necessitated by a much weaker financial situation four years ago, the AD stressed repeatedly that the Gamecock front office was now willing to pay whatever “the market” required to hire a top flight coach.   [If you will recall, “the market” is a rough equivalent of what it took to “put a smile” on Cecil Newton’s face during the sale of his son to the Auburn Tigers.  But I digress. . . ]  At the risk of interrupting my longstanding Anti-Hyman meme in this space, I think we can relax and trust our resident Tarheel to get it right this time.  Maybe.   /pops another welbutrin tablet.

As if this wasn’t enough, yesterday was also the first day of Spring Practi-football, football, FOOOTBAAALLLLLLL!!!- and as is usually the case, the news came fast and furious:  Jadeveon Clowney isn’t going to class, Kenny Miles isn’t NOT going to practice, and Marcus Lattimore can now run in a straight line.  Oh, and Devonte Holloman is playing safety spur safety spur safety spur again, and that allows Demario Jeffrey to slide over to will spur will spur will spur will, his more natural position (despite all the coaching changes, its nice to know that nothing has really changed).

Other mini bombshells, such as Corey Robinson to DL OL buffet DL OL and Qua Gilchrist to fullback, deserve a mention, if for no other reason than to mention those two cats for the first time in the history of TRC.  Deangelo Smith, last years Taqiy Muhammed Award winner, (awarded by TRC staff to the most dominant performer in a scrimmage environment) was, at least for now, named first team wideout.

At the Quarterback position, this spring promises to look exactly like the last five – no Stephen Garcia.

In news of a more mundane nature, the baseball team defeated Charleston Southern 5-2, and the Softball squad dropped both sides of a double header to the Bizzaro Dawgs.

(Well, that last part is probably just wishful thinking.)

 

. . . . story developing.