Spring Practice, Week One: Questions Remain

The 2013 edition of the South Carolina Football Gamecocks began spring drills exactly one week ago today. And while numerous interviews, comments, articles, and breakdowns are floating around the webisphere, many of you may be feeling underwhelmed.

Have we really learned anything? Do we know more about our prospects for the upcoming season than we did a week ago? Will we all end up in flop-sweated misery, picking holes in our stained mattresses, while desperately jonesing for a fix of gamecock gridiron goodies?

Well, if that painful feeling is a familiar one, then I’ve got a small methadone treatment for you. Nothing big, mind you, but just enough to get you to your next full hit:

Twenty Questions Still Unanswered after One Week of Spring Practice

Who will emerge at the Will linebacker spot? All fifteen of our Will’s exhausted their eligibility in Tampa on New Year’s Day, so we are in a scramble. My solution? Downsize. Eliminate the position. Oh, you’re welcome, Whammy.
Which Dixon brother plays on the Dline? Wait, they both do? Well, crap.
Is Tyler Hull grumpy because Patrick Fish is on scholarship?
What’s Charlize Theron really like, and does she have a strange fetish for middle-aged, married, nicknamed-after-a-cut-of-meat men who live in small South Carolina towns and blog about college sports? ( SAY YES, SAY YES, SAY YES)
Who will fill the shoes of the formidable spring practice star, Taqiy Muhammed?
Who will fill the shoes of the formidable spring practice star, DD Smith?
Is there another grown man in the entire universe named ‘Dabo’? In fact, is there even another member of the Order of Primates with that name?
Are we supposed to enjoy watching “Girls’? Cause I aint. Not even close. The one cool girl walked off the show a couple of weeks ago, and now its all about dating embarrassments, compulsive behavior, bloody toiletries, and ass splinters. Heck, basically just a repeat of my own single days. The show should be called “Tbones.”
How do you pronounce ‘Nosovitch’? The HBC calls him ‘Nosty’ which eliminates the one pronunciation I’d settled on.
Should a buy a new truck? My 2004 F150 just hit 100K last month, and while I love the thing, I’m beginning to wonder if it sends the right message to potential clients.
Will Ahmad Christian, Bruce Ellington, Shon Carson, and whoever the 4th guy is be part of the football team come the fall? If they aren’t really contributing in their other chosen sports, shouldn’t someone have a heart-to-heart with them?
Oh, and who is the 4th guy? Anyone? Is it Smith?
By the way, which one is Kwinton Smith and which one is Jody Fuller? Both are supposed to be studs, right? I’m thinking they are both tall, other than that, drawing blanks.
Can the Gamecock internet speculate about uniforms some more? /shoots guy with MS Paint mockup of updated Carlen Unis /shoots self.
Is James Holderman in charge of hiring the next Pope? Kinda feels like it.
Enough with the slightly altered, yet extremely tired, advertising slogans, Andy Demetra. What’s next, ‘Got Gamecocks?’ Oh, wait, you already did that one.
Will Jadeveon Clowney return to . . . . The Lizard Thicket after the bad service he got there recently? What? Where did you think I was going with that one?
Will Buck, at long last, finally take my advice and mix in a salad every now and then?
How many more year will the HBC coach? Do I hear a motion for ‘infinity’?
Is the following joke funny or offensive (leaning ‘yes’ right now):

A Clemson Grad walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. Wife looks up from a magazine. The Clemmer says “See the cow I have sex with when you have a headache?” Wife says “You are so stupid, can’t you see that’s a goat?” Clemmer says “You’re the stupid one, I was TALKING to the goat.”