In a new feature here on TRC, we will occasionally look at the surprising backgrounds of, and lesser-known facts about, various members of the 2012 football squad. We will arrange our list (at least initially) by wingspan, which means we will begin with Devin Taylor, #98 Senior DE from Beaufort, South Carolina.
Taylor (real name SQUAK SQUAWKA SISQUAK), was sired by the only extant pair of prehistoric terydactdyls still living.
He was dropped from the sky into the Taylor home in rural Beaufort while still a precocious 5 foot tall toddler. The circumstances of his parentage and delivery are shrouded in mystery, even by those closest too him, but are assumed traumatic as he refused to speak a word throughout his childhood. This led to his current nickname, “Don’t Say Nothing,” because he did (or more correctly didn’t do) exactly that.
The unassuming Mrs. Taylor struggled with her young son, and only found some measure of peace when she discovered, quite by accident, that Devin was deathly afraid of clowns. From that point forward, her preferred method of discipline was to place an inflatable punching bag clown in his room when he proved unruly. This approach, certainly not one that would be favored by Dr. Spock, still troubles Devin, as his violent reaction to this relatively benign row of similarly shaped red foam bags will demonstrate.
Devin’s childhood bully was one Quintin Bartholomew, who took advantage of his older age and access to military grade explosives to torment the young Taylor. To this day, anyone using any form of Mr. Bartholomew’s initials faces quick retribution for those past misdeeds. It should also be noted that Quintin, a talkative boy, was sometimes called “Twitter.” Any individuals carrying those initials that might use a certain social media platform should consider themselves warned.
The first words ever uttered by Taylor are actually captured on film, but are drowned out in this ESPN footage (see the 1:30 mark) by the screaming of 85,000 voices. During his first collegiate snap, and mindful of his mother’s advice to “be nice,” young Devin looked at an opposing running back from the Wolfpack of NC State and quietly said “hey, man,” whereupon the running back became so frightened that he dropped the football before even being touched.
His hobbies include fishing and go-cart racing. By fishing he means jumping into the water and chewing on the nearest shark until it submits, and by go-cart racing he means literally that: he races the go-carts. From that same video you will note that he apparently digs stranded jeeps out of mud pits with his bare hands.
If there is a knock on Taylor, it is that he is not the most emotional player on the football field. This is not a fair critique, however, as those that know Devin best will tell you that his emotions fled from him in a panic the very first time he stubbed his toe.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you #98, one of your Fighting Gamecocks, Mr. Devin Taylor: