54 Things More Putrid Than Kentucky Football

The Gamecocks have brought virtually nothing to the table in football. They are the SEC family’s embarrassing cousin.

– Billy Reed, UK beatwriter for the Lexington Herald Leader from October, 1999

That’s right, Billy – Gamecocks NEVER forget.

After Saturday’s absolutely pitiable performance by the Kentucky football team, and the painfully unwatchable press conference from UK Head Coach in Waiting Joker Phillips, we decided to offer (as a public service, mind you) our hurting Wildcat brethren the following list of the 54 things WORSE than Kentucky football.  Hope this makes y’all feel better:

1.  Whitney (Thursday nights on NBC)

2.  Waiting in line at the DMV

3.  Dune (the movie, not the book, which is marginally better than UK football)

4.  We Built This City by Jefferson Starship

5.  Rat poop – at least it can serve as a fertilizer

6.  Solyndra’s business prospects

7.  Temporary boycotts of Red Lobster’s Cheesy Biscuits

8.  Talking to a CTU fan for more than 10 seconds

9.  Smelling a CTU fan

10.  Accidentally walking into a Dollar General and recognizing that #9 and #8 are inevitably about to happen to you.

11.  Basketball Season – we left the ACC for a reason

12.  The Washington Generals

13.  The New Jersey Reds

14.  The Boston Shamrocks

15.  That other team the Globetrotters always played – the Rockets?

16.  Old MNF commentary by Dennis Miller

17.  Zombie Nation

18. Constant Whitney promos (Thursday nights on NBC)

19.  The actress (I think her name is actually Whitney) that plays Whitney (Thursday nights on NBC)

20.  The realization that Randall Cobb can no longer bail you out

21.  Green Peas

22. Leftover Green Peas

23.  Realizing some idiot put pickles in the chicken salad

24.  The spot behind the toilet in your kids bathroom – you know where the smell comes from.  You’ve never cleaned back there, have you?

25.  Anything with Regis

26.  Your mother-in-law’s underwear

27.  Your father-in-law’s underwear

28.  Event invitations with the phrase “Reception to follow in the Fellowship Hall”

29.  Women under 50 who talk about quilting

30. Dabo’s postgame enthusiasm

31.  That point in the season when all the flourescent orange comes out of mothballs and every redneck you meet is convinced the 1 glory year of CTU football is back.  That point is now, and is only bearable because the inevitable faceplant is right on nigh.

32.   Any given Jersey Shore cast member

33.  Southern accents by non-southern actors/actresses.  Seriously, dumb it down a little and realize we don’t talk like we’re in a Tennessee Williams play.

34.  NASCAR – as much as it pains me to say this, NASCAR is now even worse than UK football.

35.  Being trapped in a car with Buck and realizing you can’t roll the windows down.

36.  Sheet cakes from the deli/bakery at any given grocery store

37.  The demise of the Flip Camera

38.  The death of Clarence Clemmons, and the accompanying end of the E Street Band as we knew it.

39.  Realizing your Tivo has grabbed all three episodes of Whitney (Thursday nights on NBC) because it thinks you will like them.  I thought you knew me, little cartoon TV dude – I thought you knew me.

40.  “Call your mother.”

41.  Still 13 more to go.  Man, 54 is an atrociously high number. What if UK gave up that many points to SC in a foo . . . wait.

42.  The atmosphere around Commonwealth Stadium on fall Saturdays.

43.  Vandy Football (actually, this might be false, but I’m not wasting pay-per-view dollars on November 12th to find out).

44.  Crocs.  Seriously, my dentist now wears crocs IN THE OFFICE.  This is a disturbing trend.

45.  That guy at work who has the false teeth and drinks coffee all day and then leans in to tell you that highly offensive and dated  joke (this one also may be false, because at least that guy is gonna retire in a year or two, but we are stuck with UK football in the SEC FOREVER).

46.  Realizing that you’ve already played UK, but your primary divisional competitor has not.

47.  Chris Cosh.  Don’t ask.

48.  “Tonight’s special guest . . . Bette Midler!”

49.  David Lynch’s early work

50.  M. Night Shyamalan’s recent work

51.  Tim Tebow references whenever a QB runs with the ball, throws a jump ball, or prays.

52.  Cam Newton’s supposed amateur status in 2010.

53.  The way your wife reacts whenever Ryan Gosling appears on TV.  Seriously, this is what is considered sexy now?  I give up.

54.  Nothing.   I admit it, Nothing is more putrid than Kentucky football.