The Complete Idiots Guide to 2011 SEC Football Media Days (Day Three)

The SEC: You WILL watch us, one way or another
  • – Day 3 of Media Days kicks off bright and early with Vandy Head Coach James Franklin.  You ever been driving down a road late at night and come upon a deer in the road?  You remember the look the deer gives you?  No?  Well, show up for Coach Franklin’s time slot and get a quick reminder.  I almost feel bad for this guy.  Almost.
  • – The rest of the early morning alternates between Vandy and Bama players.  You might think this is like alternating between a dog poo sandwich and filet mignot, and you might be right, but we try to be generous and think of the Vandy players as palette cleansers.
  • – Bama’s Trent Richardson is in this group, and here’s betting that he will answer the question “who’s the best back in the SEC this year?” the same way that Lattimore did, by answering “Trent Richardson.”
  • – Bama Head Screw Nick Saban takes the podium at 10:00 am.  This is not an announcement, it is a warning.  DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM!  Do not be in the same room with him if you can help it.  He exudes a judgemental/arrogant/confident/precise excellence that-AAARRGGGGHHH  I STILL REMEMBER I STILL REMEMBER I STILL REMEMBER LAST TIME AND  HE MAKES ME FEEL SO SMALL AND LAZY AND WEAK. [You were warned.]
  • – LSU Head Hat Les Miles, known on TRC as “The Honey Badger,” follows Nick Saban because he is the only human being alive with enough balls to follow Nick Saban.
  • – 11:00 am comes and  . . .wha?  another Vandy player?  Seriously folks, they shouldn’t even be allowed in the ballroom.  Do not be surprised if all the media in attendance choose this moment to search for better cell signal outside.
  • – We then get a steady stream of LSU and Ole Miss players who are all named either Bolden or Shepherd.  LITTLE KNOWN SEC STAT FACT: The last player to suit up for LSU that wasn’t named Shepherd was a real live Bengal Tiger.  ADDITIONAL LITTLE KNOWN SEC STAT FACT: The last player to suit up for Ole Miss who wasn’t named Bolden wore a big floppy hat, had a white mustache, and wore a suit, but we aren’t allowed to mention him anymore.
  • – 12:20 promises to be a bittersweet moment as we hear from Ole Miss Coach Houston Nutt for his last SEC Football Media Days.  I’m not suggesting he will be fired at the end of the season or anything, its just that the Space Alien Overlords made us keep him on earth as punishment for our continued trespassing during the duration of NASA’s shuttle program.  Now that Atlantis has touched down for the last time,  those stinking Aliens have to take their problem-child back!
  • – blah blah blah more LSU and Ole Miss players are next, but look on the bright side:  we don’t have to listen to anyone from TAMU.  Yet.

And that’s a wrap on 2011 SEC Football Media Days.