The Complete Idiots Guide to 2011 SEC Football Media Days (Day One)

(NOTE: by "Complete Idiots" we mean to refer to all you 
CTU lurkers out there)

In the minds of many, The 2011 SEC Football Season kicks off tomorrow afternoon in Birmingham, Alabama at SEC Football Media Days.  Over 900 sportswriters and broadcasters (and three times that many corpulent Bama fans) will descend on the Wynfrey Hotel for a chance to rub shoulders with the elite in college football – the SEC head coaches and star players.  This contrasts to other such events, such as the ACC Media Days, which happen a week later in Greensboro, North Carolina and will be covered by no one (well, maybe some corpulent East Carolina fans will make the drive for the free buffet, but still).

• – The 2011 football media guide will be officially released on the first day, although the cover art has already been revealed.  Note that the cover is either a tribute to the SEC’s five straight BCS championships, or an odd homage to the 2008 Autozone Liberty Bowl MVP, Mike Hartline.
• – The scheduled speakers will start off with a Boom, as Georgia’s Florida’s Will Muschamp will take the podium at 1:00 pm Central Time.   The tradition of having a brand new coach lead off the event goes back for years, sometimes with entertaining results.  Former UF head coach Ron Zook talked so fast during his initial appearance that no one could write down a single word he said, and former USC head honcho Lou Holtz showered the front row media with so much spittle that they wore rain gear in subsequent years.
• – A variety of Arkansas and Florida players will speak next, but as they are all named some version of Denarius, Jenarius or Deontarius, the media will quickly become disoriented and start instinctively writing stories about oversigning.  Knile Davis is in this segment, but you will find that everyone ignores him, no matter how garish his stats.
• – Bobby Petrino is next up, and you will immediately notice his hair.  Or what looks like hair.  Kinda.  Its thin and wiry, and makes us think he’s been to a certain hairclub we won’t mention.  Oh, and we should probably mention that he’s an ass, so there’s that.
• – The Head Waterbuffalo, Mike Slive (is it pronounced like ‘leave’ or like ‘live?’  Or maybe the ‘ve’ is silent and its pronounced ‘sly?’) is next on the podium and blah blah blah we dominate in every single metric in every single sport, blah blah etc, etc, etc.   Ears will be raised in College Station and Clemson when he accidentally says there are 14 member schools.  Do not be alarmed, gentle fans, WE WILL NEVER DO THAT.  NEVER. EVER. (please?).
• – At about 3:20 in the afternoon you can watch MSU Coach Dan Mullen audition for another, higher profile, gig.  He will not even be subtle about this, and who can blame him?  Only those who have never been to Starkville, that’s who.
• – More Gators, more Bulldogs, more boredom, until 4:30 when Jeffrey, Robertson, Lattimore, and the HBC take over the ballroom.  All three of the Gamecock players are humble, quiet, and understated (except for on the gridiron) so don’t expect much in the way of quips and quotes.  That’s what Steve Spurrier is there for, after all.
• – The day ends with someone named Fletcher Cox from MSU.  But really, does anyone think the ballroom will remain occupied after the HBC wraps his comments?  Its like having Springsteen as your opening act – everyone will be spent before you take the stage.  I don’t know this Cox fellow, but someone at the SEC front office hates his ass.