Reads, Options, and Pitches from around the college football world (ok, mainly the south, but it’s basically the same thing, right?):

– A chart of gross revenues and net profits for the 51 biggest college athletic departments.  Compiled by Year2 on Team Speed Kills, the key should say: green is good, red is bad, right is rich, and up is awesome.  (shorter version:  SC beats CTU . . . AGAIN!)

– One unintended consequence of SEC expansion:  Hoover hired another complete crew of football officials.  Stop and let that sink in for a minute:  We now employ guys that previously couldn’t get hired over Mike Washington.

– Completely ridiculous and yet somehow informing, a look at the relationship between SEC spring games, 2012 prospects, and random Tom Waits lyrics via the guys at GABA.

– What I’m hating on right now:  not really cfb related, but hate, hate, HATE, HATE!

– What’s the dumbest, most smh, thing Dabo Swinney said yesterday?  How about this little bite of word-salad, on the continued non-punishment of Sammy Watkins:

“I think he’s responded very well, but as far as any other comments at this time I’m still in the process, like my statement said, of gathering everything, all my thoughts and all the facts, and meeting with everybody involved, and then making a decision of where we will go from there as far as type of discipline we’ll put in place.”

–  Today’s worst thread on what is an otherwise excellent college sports message board.

–  Today’s best thread on the college football subreddit:  Where did Andy from Toy Story go to college?

Our first installment of what we hope will be a recurring feature, we interview the statue of Thomas Green Clemson, located just in front of Tillman Hall in beautiful Clemson, South Carolina:

TRC:   So, Mr. Clemson, can we call you Tommy?

Clemson:  You may NOT!  Please call me Tom.  I will also accept Mr. Ambassador, Mr. Secretary, or as my father-in-law, John C. Calhoun, called me, Mister Carpetbagging Yankee Fancy Britches.

TRC:   Alright, let’s just go with Tom.  How are things today in Clemson?

Clemson:  Well, at present, things are particularly bad.

TRC:  Losing streak to Carolina getting you down?

Clemson:  Oh, nothing like that, I rather enjoy that.  With all the losses to Carolina piling up, there’s a strange little man that comes around here at night sobbing, and I find the dour company somehow uplifting, actually.

TRC:   Strange man?

Clemson:  Ah yes – he talks about his mother a significant amount of time.  Wears pressed khakis and has a rather severe part to his hair.

TRC:   Wait, is it Dabo Sweeney?

Clemson:  No idea – although now that you mention it he does keep referring to a “Dabo.”  I thought it might be a modern local idiom for “a portion of” something because he always seems dissatisfied.  But if he is Dabo, then he is referring to himself in the third person a frighteningly frequent amount of time.  He also has an equally shocking limit to his vocabulary:  it’s mainly a series of grunts and silent screams.  He also slaps himself rather more than I care for.  As I said, strange little fellow.

TRC:   Um, ok, you mentioned that you were upset – what’s got you down?

Clemson:  It’s a particularly large and menacing bird that keeps – ah – relieving himself on me as of late.  Not quite so charming as a pigeon.  It strangely claims to be my deceased father.

TRC:  The bird talks?

Clemson:  Yes, yes it does – but why the soul of my long-dead father would haunt me all the way from our home in Philadelphia is beyond me.

TRC:   Why do you think the bird is your father?

Clemson:  He says so himself.  I hear a rustling of feathers, the jangle of spurs, and just before a large and pungent deposit is made upon my features I hear the unmistakable query of “who’s your daddy?” coming from the monster.  It is unbearable.

TRC:   Sounds awful.

Clemson:  It is!  Although in all honesty it is far better than when the local denizens tie their livestock to my lower legs.

TRC:  Livestock?  Why are they tying them to your legs?

Clemson:  I haven’t the foggiest notion.  They are always particularly smelly and appear ill-bred. I am referring here to both the locals and the livestock.   Flashing wads of cash around and yelling for people named Sammy, Bellamy, or (and let me make sure I’m pronouncing this correctly) Louteek.  These local gentry leave their pigs and goats tied up while they apparently search for these cash-starved gentlemen.

TRC:  This sounds annoying, but I don’t really see what so bad about it, really.

Clemson:  Oh you don’t do you?  Well you haven’t seen what the locals do to the livestock, obviously.  Let’s just say they don’t just milk those goats, friend [shudders].

TRC: [also shudders]  Eh, let’s change the subject, shall we?  Have you heard any of the rumors of Clemson bolting for the Big 12?

Clemson: [slightly raises his voice]  I would appreciate it if you would be so kind as to never raise that subject with me again, sir!

TRC:  Well it is widely rumored . . .

Clemson:  Perhaps so!  But I do not see how my marital difficulties are any-

TRC:  Wait, marital difficulties?

Clemson: Yes!  Perhaps my wife, the former Miss Calhoun, Now Mrs. Clemson, is threatening to leave me again for her former paramour, but I will not discuss it with you of all people!

TRC:  No disrespect intended, Mr. Clemson.  But if I might ask, what does the Big 12 have to do with your wife?

Clemson:  I wish I knew!  But for reasons that have never been expounded to me, that is the nickname that Mrs. Clemson uses for him!

TRC: /quietly departs.

Its time for the biannual TRC fishing Trip/Corporate Retreat/Inspiration for the major motion picture, The Hangover.

As such, there will be very little activity here on the blog – but follow us on twitter (@rubrchickens) for updates on our upstate outtakes.

Oh, and if you are hurting for cfb coverage, you can always check out the College Football Reddit, our favorite source for nonsense and news.

The NFL Draft and all its pre- and during hype is now a week into our rearview mirror.  If you didn’t read any of the millions of post-draft team grades, you can find examples of this tired exercise here, here, here, and here.  And those are just from the first page of the Google search.  You could go on for days reading EXPERT analysis of the draft.

Well, you’re not going to get that kind of garbage here.  You’re a Gamecock fan, and you’re going to get GAMECOCK garbage on this site baby.

So, without further adieu, the old Buckster is here to pass out career grades for all the Gamecocks football players who were either drafted or signed as free agents.  I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me either, but I haven’t published anything in like, two weeks, so roll with me here.

These grades are not scientific.  I’m not going back and researching numbers.  It is just what it is.

(Note: Love all these guys. LOVE them for being Gamecocks. That’s my disclaimer.)

Stephon Gilmore (Round 1, Buffalo) – C+ – I know, I know.  I have no idea what I’m talking about.  I don’t understand the game of football, and I have no idea what kind of impact Gilmore had on the field away from the ball.  You got me.  I just know #5 (on D) didn’t ever seem to be the suffocating, shutdown corner I expected him to be.  I was expecting the second coming of Charles Woodson, and I never came close to seeing that.  I don’t think Woodson would ever get beat by 20 yards by Darvin Adams on a hitch and go.  I’m sure we’ll miss him.  Probably a lot.  But he was never quite the player – DB, QB, KR – I hoped.

Melvin Ingram (Round 1, San Diego) – A+ – Love.  Love.  Love.  Everything you would ever want in a college football player.  Also responsible for one of the greatest plays in Gamecock football history.  That is all.

Alshon Jeffery (Round 2, Chicago) – B – As time passes I believe Alshon’s legacy is only going to grow and he’ll be seen as an all-timer, but as of today I’m going to give him a B.  His freshman and sophomore years were things of beauty, and he was on track to shatter all kinds of receiving records.  But something happened his Junior year that I don’t think we’ll ever be able to explain.  Was he out of shape?  Was it shoddy quarterback play?  Did defensive coaches scheme to ensure #1 didn’t beat them?  All of those theories have been floated.  But there’s no question his sub-par season and essentially a no-show at the NFL combine cost him something fierce financially.  Even so, I think he can, and will, eventually become an elite receiver in the league.

Antonio Allen – (Round 7, New York Jets) – A – The epitome of hard work.  Allen was one of those guys that was just kind of “there” early in his career.  You saw his name in the lineup, you saw him in on a few tackles, but you never expected him to be a breakout performer.  But when he intercepted Kyle Parker for a TD to ice the 2010 CTU game – read, quick break, and then a cool loaf-of-bread cruise to the end zone – I thought “I haven’t been paying close enough attention, this kid is a player”.  I was disappointed he fell so far in the draft.  I think the Jets got themselves a good one.

Rokevious Watkins – (Round 5, St. Louis) – C+ – Good for the Rok, man.  Another guy who took a long and somewhat winding road (GMC –> USC) to the NFL, you have to feel good for guys who make it after putting in their time.  He never really stood out at USC, but he was a solid contributor and has the size and (hopefully) the skills to stick in the NFL for a while.

Travian Robertson – (Round 7, Atlanta) – B – I was really disappointed big Trav went this late (not that he was expected to go earlier), but I’m glad he landed with the Falcons.  I think he has a shot to make the team and contribute.  He was very highly regarded coming out of high school, had an unfortunate knee injury his sophomore year, but came back to be the cornerstone of one of the best defensive lines in USC history.  He was often overshadowed by the likes of Norwood, Taylor, Ingram, and even Clowney, but Robertson’s presence helped free those other guys up to make plays.

Free agent signees:

Jason Barnes (San Diego) – D – I’m not sure exactly what my expectations were for #4, but I certainly expected more than what I got.  He showed some flashes early in his career, especially in a 2008 win at Ole Miss in which he had seven catches and two TDs.  But every Spring we came to count on him, and every Fall he disappeared.  The fact he had basically no statistics over his last two years but was still invited to an all-star game and landed a free agent contract tells you he has measurables and skills.  He just never used them at USC.

C.C. Whitlock – (Minnesota) – C – What an enigmatic career for C.C.  He was huge pickup and the second coming of Syvelle Newton out of high school, but once he finally landed at cornerback he always seemed to be the odd man out.  He started here and there due to injuries, and had a few picks to his credit, including two against Auburn last year.  Unfortunately, one lasting memory of C.C. will be that he gave one of those right back to the Tigers in a tight game we would go on to lose.

Marty Markett – (Atlanta) – I – Great practice player by most accounts, Markett was never able to break through and make an impact on the field.  Like Barnes, it’s impressive that he showed enough in workouts to even get a shot in an NFL camp.  He’d be a perfect gunner in the league.

Terrance Campbell – (Washington) – B – TC finally used up his eligibility after first coming to USC in 1994.  Well, that’s what it feels like.  Campbell always felt like a “hole plugger”, one of those guys you had to use until someone more talented came along.  Most of the time no one did, and Campbell responded by doing an admirable job for the ‘Cocks.

Others? What about #5 on offense you knucklehead?!?  That’s right, I heard you.  But obviously you missed the part where I said I was only grading draftees and free agent signees.  But if you insist, my grade for Stephen Garcia – C+.  No need to tread over ground that’s been plowed dozens of times over, so I won’t.  I’ll just say he was the guy that was suspended five times and allowed his off-the-field antics to get him dismissed from the team.  But he’s also the guy that led us to two of the most stirring wins in our history – at home against #1-ranked Alabama and the SEC East clincher over Florida in Gainesville.  People outside of the program don’t understand why we defend him and why he’s so beloved.  And screw them, we don’t owe them an explanation.

Time will be very kind to Stephen Garcia and his legacy.  I can promise you that.

TRC BOD Meeting. That’ll pretty much do it for the sweep this week.  Be sure to join us for the biannual TRC Board of Directors meeting next week Thursday through Sunday.   We’ll be meeting at non-disclosed locations in the Greenville area.  So how are you supposed to join us if the meeting locations are not disclosed?  That’s your problem pal.

But if you are able to find us, beers on us!

MI6 gets paid, and with style:

On Tuesday, University of Arkansas Athletic Director Jeff Long announced the hiring of John L. Smith as the head coach for the 2012 Arkansas Razorbacks.  Smith, a longtime mentor of, and most recently an assistant for, shamed former coach Bobby Petrino, comes to the job after a scant few weeks as the head man at FCS Weber State.  In announcing the hire, Long cited the desire to maintain continuity in the program, which is a fancy way of saying he wants to maximize next year’s championship potential for the talented players currently on campus.

We’ve been critical of Long previously in this space, but without weighing in on the right-or-wrong of the past fire and the current hire, we must acknowledge the genius of what he has done.  Long has artfully and successfully shifted the blame in the entire fiasco away from himself and his lax management of Razorbacks Athletics program and pinned it all on Petrino.  And now that he has fired Petrino, he wants Petrino’s program to continue, so he somehow managed to keep a reasonable fascimile of Petrino at the helm.

Pretty slick trick, isn’t it?  Fire Petrino, but still have Petrino’s Hologram running the team?

Let’s review what we know about the Arkansas Athletic Department under Jeff Long:

– Hired a coach with a documented history of questionable business ethics, and then acted shocked to discover those business scruples bled into the coach’s personal behavior.

– Allowed the head coach to run up impressive phone charges while sexting for months on the company account.  Presumably no one inside Razorback athletics reviewed the bills for this public university?

– Failed to manage the hiring of department employees.  In fact, was so uninvolved in the process that this same head coach was able to hijack the system and elevate one candidate above a myriad of other applicants.

– Allowed university funds (totally $20,000.00 by some accounts) to be used to help fund this new employee’s wedding or engagement party (or something, this part gets murky in the public reports)

– Allowed a press conference where the coach created false impressions and withheld important information from players, fans, and employees of the university.

– Released the details of an incident involving the head coach without waiting for all relevant information to be collected (little things like police accident reports, for example).

Doesn’t really paint a flattering picture of the state of the Razorback Athletic Program and AD Long’s management prowess, does it?

Nevertheless, the AD took to the podium at his presser a couple of weeks back, and without a hint of self-reflection or acceptance of blame, forcefully condemned the coach he chose to employ.  And now, within a fortnight of the bitter firing, he announces the hiring of Petrino’s longtime confidante.

We may not have Bobby Petrino running the show for the Hogs anymore, but we have the closest thing to him that Jeff Long could get.

From multiple (and slightly credible) sources, the University of Arkansas is set to announce its new (and potentially only interim) head coach later today.  Its John L. Smith, who preceded Bobby Petrino at Louisville before bolting to Michigan State under somewhat controversial circumstances.  Petrino then bolted Louisville for the NFL, then bolted the NFL for Arkansas, and then got caught bolting a young assis . . . he he he this is a family blog, right?

John L. Smith, not to be confused with the myriad other John Smith’s out there, was recently hired as the head coach at Weber State, which he is now bolting without ever coaching a game.

In other words, Razorbacks: Situation Normal.

Breaking: AP source: Arkansas hiring former assistant John L. Smith as interim coach to replace Bobby Petrino next season. #hogs #sec #wps

— AP_Top25 (@AP_Top25) April 23, 2012