Snap Judgments – 2017 Bye Week Addition

South Carolina’s next mascot? Maybe!

Honorary Chicken and 2016 Southeast Region District 6 Pickle Ball Player of the Year Jorge (@jorhay) fills in this week to give some bye week snaps. Enjoy! 

How did the seasons get their name? Starting off with some non-football fare! We all know it’s called ‘fall’ because leaves fall and ‘spring’ because it’s when ‘spring break’ happens. But did you know winter used to be called “Fall, but for Snow, Not Leaves”? But that was too cumbersome, so they called it “Winter”, which is an acronym for “Whence It’s Now To Enter [Fall, but for Rain, Not Leaves, or Snow]” which is what they used to call spring. Summer was named for famous mathematician Euclid who was believed to be born on June 21. Mathematicians used to be called “summers”, before they discovered forms of math other than addition, so the season now bares his vocation. This is all true.

Oh and autumn came from the colloquialism “Audem”, as in “hey guys, audem leaves startin’ to fall!”

The most exciting play in football? If you ask me, there’s only one real answer: the pass.

Unsubstantiated take on a subject that is probably way more nuanced than it seems but I still think I’m right about. Official replays should take 30 seconds max. These five-minute official replay sequences are simply Refereeing Theater. “Look how thorough and careful we’re being — trust us coach, we looked at it from every angle. We should be praised for Getting It Right™.” No. Reviewable circumstances are rarely ambiguous, and if they are, then don’t overturn it because it’s Not Conclusive.

IMVHO, it should be as simple as this:

Ref: “The previous play is under review.”

[replay booth should already be watching the portion of the play in question when ref puts on headset] 

Replay booth: “Ah damn yeah, his foot was out of bounds. Ref, the pass is incomplete, actually.”

Ref: [takes off headphones] “The pass is incomplete, 2nd and 10.”

30 seconds, done.

But, but what if they have to reset the clock and the yardage?

Yes this is always the announcer’s excuse for why overturned calls take so long. And I say garbage. Just have another ref get that information during the 15 seconds the review, just in case. The information has to be readily available. It’s not rocket science.

To summarize, it is unacceptable that a replay ever takes more than 30 seconds. I have never refereed football. Do not @ me.

Food for thought. It’s likely that all the animal mascots from recent USC baseball teams are dead.

Next coach? When Will Muschamp retires in 2031 after six SEC championships and two national titles (avg. 17 ppg) who’s up next? Our list of candidates:

  • Connor Shaw Recruits his son, and invites his father to be an honorary walk-on; is now a Coach of a Coach’s Son’s Father, and the Coach-Father of a Coach-Father’s Grandson (coach’s son)

  • Bret Bielema – Out of work for a decade frankly just needs somewhere to crash.

  • Steve Spurrier – 86 years young, Spurrier (now half-cybernetic) wants to give it one more go will attempt to “blue pill” the Cock and Fire offense 😉 Will win 8 games in 2032 and promptly stop recruiting in 2033.

  • Stephen Garcia – Seconds after winning championship, players douse him in a keg of Keystone Light.

  • Whoever got fired by a powerhouse like three years ago. (Let’s face it this is gonna be what happens.)

DID YOU KNOW! 

  • Did you know Jake Bentley was supposed to be in high school last year

  • Did you know Hayden Hurst was a minor leaguer

  • Did you know Jamarcus King is actually a prince of a small Dutch protectorate in the South Caribbean

  • Did you know DJ Wonnum is right behind you

  • Did you know Ortre Smith is an anagram for Rot Hermits, which is the name of my new punk band

Kurt Roper Is Good But Also Bad. What’s the deal with Kurt, amirite? I mean the guy’s wasting our talent. Unless he’s not. After all, if the players aren’t executing the schemes it’s not his fault. Although, it’s kinda his fault if he’s calling plays that his players aren’t capable of executing. But you can’t just gut an entire offensive scheme because your guard’s not pulling fast enough…right? Then again, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Play the hand you’re dealt! Of course, since coaches recruit the players, you’re kinda dealing your own hand. So Kurt Roper is good, but might be bad. Or the opposite of that. I need to lay down.

I just broke my tibia. I just broke my tibia.

Possible new mascot names. Ole Miss will begin to use the on-field mascot Landshark, which is an outrage because changing things is always bad (except for definitely slavery and maybe Kurt Roper) but given the political correctification of America, it’s safe to assume that every program will eventually have to adopt a zany, internet-approved mascot. Gamecocks are nefarious betting-birds, so we’re probably gonna be among the earliest to be forced to change.

Safest to go with some abstract, soccery mascot:

  • USC Stormsand

  • USC Traintraffic

  • USC No Gain on First

  • USC Stansbury Eye Center Football Team

  • USC Three Stars

  • USC Chaun Gresham

  • USC Demetra

Looking ahead. Vanderbilt is next on our schedule.

Looking behind. We played Tennessee last week.

Looking down. I’m wearing Vans.

Looking up. Will Muschamp is in the AC duct.

Looking glass. Makes it easy to read small words

Looking for a Way Out.  A great song by Uncle Tupelo

I bet you are excited for the bye week to be over. 

Go Cocks, beat Vandy!

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.