‘Boning Up on the ‘Cats

Its Week Two already, and what with your full life and all, you’re woefully unprepared to hate on our upcoming opponents, the Kentucky Wildcats.

Well fret not, loyal reader, ’cause we’re about to get you all ‘boned up:

Remember, these are actual colleges with actual students:

The University of Kentucky is a coeducational, public university located in Lexington, Kentucky.  Depending on what source you are using, the University was originally called Transylvania University, or Kentucky Agriculture and Mechanical College, or just plain old Kentucky University.  Whatever the name, the University was founded in 1865, and was funded almost completely via an allocation from the U.S. Congress.  This federal funding mechanism is entirely appropriate, as most Kentuckians today continue to be supported via brown checks issued monthly by Uncle Sam.

Their Latin motto is Universitas Kentuckiensis which I need not translate as it is mindblowingly straightforward.  Interestingly, they also officially trademarked an English language motto which is (and this is real) See Blue. See this video for more on how to see blue or whatever, and wonder how our own Andy Demetra was not somehow involved in this cracker jack marketing scheme.

UK, as they call themselves, has an enrollment of about 29,000 students, which makes it slightly smaller than our own beloved Universitas Caroliniansis (name not a real thing).  Along with every other public university in the United States, they are committed to becoming a Top Twenty Public University within the next X years.

Yeah, good luck with that, UK.

 The weirdest thing about them:

There’s a wealth of possibilities here, and that’s not even considering a certain clerk who refuses to perform a certain constitutionally-required duty and whom I’ve promised myself I would not mention during this post.  So I won’t.  Mention her, that is.

Instead, I’ll flee from current events and point out the banality of their stick figure university seal.  No seated greek god, no divine nude in thought, no bundle of sticks surrounded by flames and flecks of gold.  No, the University of Kentucky’s official seal is just the words “University of Kentucky” surrounding a roughly drawn colonist who is handing something to a native American.  There are also several dates strewn about, all with no apparent significance.

But this is where it gets weird.  The guy on the left is clearly meant to be some sort of colonist, maybe the founder of the state or something.  But the figure on the right barely looks like a native American and is, instead, a striking representation of a sophisticated modern woman with long hair, a fancy purse, knee-high boots, and a short skirt.  Its stunning really, once you notice it..  The lady looks classy.  As in “the world’s oldest profession” classy.  Maybe the George Washington guy is handing her a brown check.  Ah, now I get it!

Moving on:

The game this year is all about revenge, as our late game collapse in last year’s contest still rankles most gamecock fans.  The image of Wildcat wildcat Jo Jo Kemp gashing us for run after run all-the-while begging to be taken out of the game from exhaustion might be THE defining image of our 2014 team.

Our team needs to exorcise that particular demon from its psyche, and return to playing the sound, fundamental defense that we all expect.

One wrinkle to watch for this year:

Our all time record against the Wildcats is 16-7-1.  They haven’t beaten Carolina in Williams Brice Stadium since our winless season in 1999.  Our average margin of victory in a home game with Kentucky is over twenty points – that’s right – we usually beat Kentucky in our place by three scores.

Can we do it this year?  Is that even in our DNA?

But anyway. . . .

That player you are going to hate:

I would say Jo Jo Kemp, based entirely on the end of last year’s game.  But the truth of the matter is that I didn’t even hate him then.  I hated our defense for letting an exhausted freshman blast through them with ease.

My money this year is that we are going to despise one of the wideouts, probably Garrett Johnson.  He wears number 9, is of average height, weight, and speed, but he always seems to make a play when the Wildcats need him.  He’s just a sophomore, but then again, the entire Kentucky receiving corps is made up of youngsters.

The Enigma:

Patrick Towles, quarterback.  Like many a quarterback in this league, he can go from hero to goat and back again quicker than you can say “late throw over the middle.”   He was forced into action in his freshman year due to a rash of injuries on the UK QB depth chart.  He then lost a three man race for the job in 2013 and settled for a redshirt year.  Last year he put up respectable numbers, but then he struggled to win the starting job this spring over redshirt freshman/headcase Drew Barker.

The Ingenue:

Freshman Right Tackle, George Asafo-Adjei. This Ohio native has gone from three star recruit to starting tackle on an SEC offensive line in just a handful of months.  He’s a mountain of a young man, 6’5″ tall and weighing 325 pounds.  I think it will be a small game-within-the-game to see how our DEs match up with young Asafo-Adjei.

The thing that will tell the tale:

Can we pressure their QB and force him into bad decisions.  Towles is not the fastest of guys, but he can sling it all over the ballpark.  If he has time to throw, we are in trouble, particularly in light of our inadequacies at corner.  Last week’s starter at one spot, Chris Lammons, is out this week with bruised ribs, and he was subbing for presumptive starter Chaz Elder, who mysteriously failed to play at all.  This leaves us with Sophomore Al Harris, Jr. to man the position, and while he is long in “want to”, he is mighty short in stature.

William Carlos Williams explains further:

so much depends
upon

Chaz Cornelius

Elder

where are you,

young man?

do you haz a

sad?

I forgot to mention:

Basketball.  I think this might be the first time in the history of Kentucky Football that someone hasn’t mentioned their basketball program during a football discussion.  Except I just did.  Dang it.