I didn’t watch the Steve Spurrier press conference after the Florida win on Saturday. I usually just keep an eye on Twitter to see if he says something interesting, and from what I could tell he didn’t.
Unless you’re a Clemson fan.
Josh Kendall, Gamecock beat writer extraordinaire, got things started with two sensationalist and context-free tweets from the presser:
Saturday Down South immediately picked up the tweets and ran them under the headline “Steve Spurrier took a shot at Clemson after Florida win”.
I still didn’t watch the press conference video because I’m a busy man with Saturday afternoon naps and sorting the mail and the like. I figured if it was anything important the Clemson fanboy community would get a hold of it, and hooboy did they ever. The first tweet I noticed was from our good friend William Qualkinbush (I’m just kidding, he hates us) after the announcement that Deshaun Watson didn’t have a torn ACL, only a sprain.
Someone should ask Spurrier if the game seems more in doubt tonight than it did yesterday
— William Qualkinbush (@QualkTalk) November 17, 2014
The amount of Gamecock fans who think Spurrier wasn’t talking about Deshaun Watson yesterday is astoundingly high
— William Qualkinbush (@QualkTalk) November 17, 2014
Hmmmm, I was really curious now. What was I missing. It was late Sunday by now though, and I desperately needed to rest up from that afternoon nap I had taken, so once again I didn’t watch the presser.
Then, this morning, I saw a retweet from something called “The Clemson Insider”, wherein their Monday Morning Quarterback blog (what an original title!) the writer advised “Steve Spurrier seriously needs to shut his mouth and worry about his own team”.
Wowza! The HBC must’ve really gone overboard this time if they’re making “Will Vandervort” that angry! So I finally decided to see what the fuss was all about. Watch the video below, courtesy of gogamecocks.com. The Watson/Tiger bashing starts at about :19.
I watched the video about a half dozen times because I thought I had the wrong one. Surely nobody was upset by this, right? Then it hit me…translation.
What normal people hear and what Tiger fans hear are completely different things. Especially when you’ve lost five straight football games to your hated rival, your brain gets a little extra twisted so Dabo rants sound Patton-esque and innocuous Spurrier quips are like RPGs aimed at Tillman Hall.
So let’s go step by step and try to understand what normal people heard, and what the wad-pantied Clemson fan sites heard. Follow along.
What Spurrier said: “I guess the upstate team got beat today, is that correct?”
What Clemson heard: “Word has it those inbred redneck cow-tipping sacks of toe fungus got beat today, is that correct?”
What Spurrier said: “What was that score, Georgia Tech game?”
What Clemson heard: “How bad did those pocket protector-wearin’ highwaters beat ’em?”
Reporter: “They lost their quarterback.” (Note: no mention of what the injury was.)
What Spurrier said: “He got hurt again?”
What Clemson heard: “That China doll get busted up again? Kid needs to playing tiddlywinks or what not I guess. Doesn’t seem cut out for a man’s game.”
Reporter: “Tore his ACL.” (Kind of obvious Spurrier didn’t hear this comment, or did a fantastic job of ignoring it.)
What Spurrier said: [nothing]
What Clemson heard: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS??? A DIBILITATING KNEE INJURY??? THAT. IS. AWESOME!!! AND ONLY TWO WEEKS BEFORE OUR GAME?!? SA-WEET!!!
What Spurrier said: “What was the score?”
What Clemson heard: “Hey jackass, I asked you a question! I’m the reporter now!”
What Spurrier said: “Oh was it?”
What Clemson heard: “Holy…what? They got beat by three touchdowns by that junior high wing-T offense? Ha! How pathetic is that?”
What Spurrier said: “OK. Well, that game, looks like we’re in better shape than we were two weeks ago, right?”
What Clemson heard: “We’re going to kill them. Then burn the campus down and steal their girlfriends.”
What Spurrier said: “But [laughs] anything can happen as we all know.”
What Clemson heard: “Only one thing is going to happen as we all know – the destruction of everyone associated with Clemson and everything and everyone they love.”
What Spurrier said: “Thanks guys.”
What Clemson heard: “Tell that sack of crap Dabo that SIX is coming. Peace.” [Stands up, grabs crotch, flips the bird.]
OK, so I made up that last part, but the rest feels pretty accurate.
In all seriousness, sometimes I wonder what they are hearing that I am not. Steve Spurrier can be a real jackass, I get that. He’s hated by many members of a select few fan bases, including Clemson. And he’s earned it.
My advice to the fan base over there is to not read something evil into everything Spurrier says. If you want to get bent over him not saying your name and calling you “the upstate team”, I get it, that would piss me off too.
But trying to say Spurrier is “taking shots” at a kid who just possibly suffered a major knee injury is just flat out disingenuous. Poking fan bases or opposing coaches is one thing, but going after opposing players for little or no reason is simply not his MO.
Final thing – let the anger go. It’s not good for you, and we’re worried about your health.
In the fabricated words of Steve Spurrier, “peace”.