Bust yo azz and get on home early, cause we’ve got an early kick to start the 2013 season on:
At 6:00 pm tune to ESPN for South Carolina and North Carolina. 5 minutes of excitement, followed by a three-hour root canal.
If the Gamecocks prevailed, then keep your seat for
9:15ish pm on ESPN, Vandy versus Ole Miss. Jacket required, Tie is optional. And pull for Ole Miss. The last thing we need is for Vandy to be stout again this year.
If the Gamecocks lost earlier, then skip the above and scream into your pillow until you collapse into fitful sleep. Oh, and you will be skipping work tomorrow, so have your excuse handy.
Get the damn grass cut already
12:30 pm SEC Network, Florida takes on the mighty Zips or whatever from Toledo. Don’t watch this game under any circumstance, as it’s really going to redefine the word ‘lame.’ We suggest you make a grand show of taking the missus to brunch or something as in “see honey, I love you, not college football.” But be back home by:
1:00 pm ESPN Texas A&M vs. Rice. You will see everything you need to see when TAMU takes the field for its first offensive series. If Johnny Football jogs out, then the NCAA just caved like an abandoned mine. If he doesn’t, well you get to see how good the Aggies are without him, and you will feel a renewed optimism in the Rule of Law and the Principle of Fairness (yeah, you need to forget the whole Cam Newton thing sooner or later anyway).
1:15 turn the TV off and go eat something. And drink several somethings, cause you’re gonna need it to survive:
3:30 ESPN2 Mississippi State vs. Oklahoma State, in Houston, TX for some reason. The BizarroDawgs are gonna get torched, so swallow your conference pride and be thankful we play these guys this year instead of Bama or LSU. Good news is you can switch over at:
5:30 pm on ESPN for Alabama’s complete soul ravaging of Virginia Tech. Seriously, when was the last time the Hokies were legit? I don’t remember either. When it gets too lopsided to bear, switch to
7:00 pm ESPNU Washington State at Auburn. Mike Leach and Gus Malzahn. Oh, and Ellis Johnson. Expect 100 points. Or, as an alternative:
7:00 pm ESPNews Kentucky versus Western Kentucky. They ‘sposta be SEC. But be ready at:
8:00 pm ABC Georgia at Clemson*. The challenge here is that you will be absolutely delighted to see one of these teams stumble, but mortified to see the other succeed, so be ready with the remote for:
9:00 pm LSU versus TCU in Arlington, TX because that venue is awesome, y’all. The colors compliment each other, and they both play a brand of hard-hitting football that’s fun to watch. Drinking game suggestion: Targeting Fouls.
Not listed: Arkansas & Lala (FSN), Mizzou & Murray State (PPV), and UT and some team called Austin Peay (PPV). Because really, what would be the point?