NEW FEATURE: We Interpret CoachSpeak!

We’ve all heard it.

We’ve all scratched our heads over it.

CoachSpeak.

CoachSpeak is that particularly frustrating method of answering questions or making statements that most (if not all) college and pro coaches lapse into whenever they are faced with a microphone and an inquisitive audience.  It’s an effective rhetorical device for coaches as it allows them to avoid saying much of anything, while still giving the reporters a quote or two for the morning edition.

HBC bobbleheadBut it tells us, the insanely interested fan of college football, next to nothing about our favorite team.

Accordingly, we here at TRC have decided to bring both our incredible sports knowledge and our considerable experience of being yelled at by coaches (well in little league anyway) to bear in order to assist you, gentle reader, in understanding just what our coaches are really saying.

Take last night’s post practice interviews for example.  What follows is a series of CoachSpeak responses during the media availability.  We then follow the CoachSpeak with what the coach actually meant but didn’t want to come out and say:

Coach Whammy: “We have a lot of young players that we’re trying to get reps.  Of course, they’re not going to know everything we’re doing. It was a good start. I like the way the young linebackers ran around today.”

CoachSpeak Interpreted:  “We are so very screwed at the linebacker position.  These guys can’t even get lined up right!  I’m going to keep referring to these guys as ‘young’ so I don’t get canned at the end of the year.”

Coach Whammy: “We have three starters returning in the secondary and perimeter and we have a defensive front that has played a lot of football here. We’re young at linebacker. I think we have a lot of good experience on this team with
all the guys that have played a lot of football. I’m not worried about inexperience, I can promise you that.”

CoachSpeak Interpreted:  “I’m very concerned with our inexperience.  Did I mention that we don’t have any linebackers that know what they’re doing?”

Coach Whammy: “Brison will definitely be the free safety and we’ll figure out between Kadetrix Marcus and T.J. Gurley who will be the boundary  safety. “J.J. did some good things today and Gurley did some good things. Right now, Kadetrix is ahead.”

CoachSpeak interpreted: “We are moving people around like a mother right now trying to mask our inexperience.  Its so bad that I’ve forgotten who some of the players are at this point.  I’ve got this habit of calling people “J.J.” when I’ve forgotten their names, I should probably mention that.  Do we not have any walk-on linebackers I can stick in there?”

This technique has its limitations however.  Witness out CoachSpeak interpretation of a couple of Spurrier quotes from last night:

HBC:  “It wasn’t anything spectacular. Nothing special happened. We’ve got a ways to go and we need a lot of practice.”

CoachSpeak interpreted: “It wasn’t anything spectacular. Nothing special happened. We’ve got a ways to go and we need a lot of practice.”

HBC: “Usually after the first one, I always talk about how fast the team is. The team is in good shape.”

CoachSpeak interpreted: “Usually after the first one, I always talk about how fast the team is. The team is in good shape,”

Check back for more CoachSpeak Interpreted as preseason practice continues.

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