The Transitive Property Report – Week 5

They’ve taken to calling these guys “Gurshall” (rhymes with Herschel). I kid you not. And I don’t even think they’re really dating.

Five weeks down already, and the Gamecocks are ranked #6 and have tied their all-time record for most victories in a row at nine. They can make it ten this weekend with what could turn out to be one of the biggest wins in school history over #5 Georgia. Did we learn anything this weekend from how our past and future opponents played? Let’s find out:

(Reminder: I do not include this past week’s opponent in the TPR.)

  • Vanderbilt – bye week. Vandy-Missou is an intriguing match-up next week. Well, at least to SEC fans. OK, SEC East fans. OK, just to me. OK, so it’s not an intriguing match-up at all, you happy?  TPR for Vanderbilt: At least they didn’t lose to Northwestern again.
  • East Carolina – beat UTEP 28-18. I have no idea what to make of this. Apparently a hard-fought battle, but this gives us absolutely no insight into what kind of team WE are. On another note, I took this quiz once that said my ideal place to live in the United States would be El Paso, TX. True story. TPR for ECU: Move along, nothing to see here.
  • UAB – lost to Tulsa 49-42. So much for UAB giving Ohio State a run. Although, Tulsa is undefeated in C-USA, so there’s that. TPR for UAB: So UAB is 0-4, what do want from me?
  • Missouri – beat Central Florida 21-16. The Mizzoucats were actually the underdog in this game, so a nice win for them. If you aspire to be a middle of the pack SEC team, you have to be able to beat UCF at their place. (If we lose to them in 2013, all records of this post will be destroyed.) TPR for Missouri: Still somewhat impressive for us, not that we beat Mizzou, but HOW we beat Mizzou.
  • Georgia – beat Tennessee 51-44. UGA’s offense, which was supposed to be good, has been spectacular against lousy defenses. UGA’s defense, which was supposed to be spectacular, has been below average against average offenses. TPR for Georgia: I honestly have no clue what to expect on Saturday.
  • LSU – beat FCS school Towson 38-22. Did the Honey Badger really mean THIS much to LSU? Also, news came out today that Zach Mettenberger shaved his pornstache. We hear it gave him superpowers. TPR for LSU: LSU has now dropped to second most difficult team left on our schedule behind UGA.
  • Florida – bye week. These guys have a legitimate shot at beating LSU on Saturday if they can muster some offense. If we can squeeze out a victory over UGA, this could be the game that decides the East (huh, just like 2010, right? right???). TPR for Florida: Lots of momentum for UF if they beat LSU, worrisome game for the ‘Cocks.
  • Tennessee – lost to Georgia 51-44. Again, glad we got these guys at home this year, but even so UT is going to be a tough out. I hope our DBs have their backpedaling shoes on. Derek Dooley might hang onto this job for another year after all. TPR for Tennessee: We win, but not by much.
  • Arkansas – lost to Texas A&M 58-10 (!!!) I now regret using a combo train wreck/dumpster fire analogy when talking about the Hogs last week. I need to spread these things out. So, let’s just say a jumbo jet full of napalm has crashed into the Arkansas train wreck of dumpsters on fire. TPR for Arkansas: Looks like an easy W to me. [watches first half of Kentucky game, retracts statement]
  • Wofford – beat Elon 49-24. These guys might just be better than Georgia Tech. TPR for Wofford: STOP SCHEDULING OPTION TEAMS.
  • Clemson – beat Boston College 45-31. Average programs don’t just waltz into Chestnut Hill and drop 45 large on the [checks media guide for mascot name] Eagles of Boston College. TPR for Clemson: 4peat coming.

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