That Old Death Valley Smell, er, Spell

OK, so this has gone beyond ridiculous as of about 8 p.m. last night, when I read about CTU’s latest commitment, Scott Pagano.  As Gamecock fans, we’ve all asked the question, thought this very thing, admit it:

How do they do it?  How does a slightly above average football program (note: in relation to their conference, which is well below average) that is so known for its epic face plants that “pulling a Clemson” has become part of our lexicon, continue to get commitments from top notch high school football players?

The article I linked about Pagano’s commitment really doesn’t clear things up at all.  As a matter of fact, it makes things murkier than ever.  It’s a bizarre interview that would fit just as well on the pages of The Onion as it does on Korny and Kmac’s Sportstalk page.

Let’s review some of Pagano’s comments, shall we?

“It’s just perfect there” (referring to Clemson)

Look, upstate South Carolina is no trash dump.  It’s quite lovely in areas as a matter of fact.  BUT THIS DUDE IS FROM HAWAII.  WHAT…THE…F?!?  Are you serious?  Was he hanging out with Sammy in the Cadillac before this visit?  The guy from Hawaii just called Clemson “perfect”.  In any context that is just wrong, and should raise suspicions of drug use and/or large bills stuffed in plain paper bags.

“Coach (Dabo) Swinney is just like my high school coach.” 

OK, fair point.  One for the kid.

“He’s religious and he believes in team unity.”

Not sure why these two are intertwined, but the “religion” point is a common theme you hear out of recruits who visit CTU.  That Dabo must be a real saint.  As far as believing in team unity, this is undoubtedly in stark contrast to the other coaches at schools he visited that are hell bent on team division.  This must really set CTU apart.

“I’ve never seen anyone just read The Bible for fun.”

My first thought, as a Christian, was “boy, there’s a ringing endorsement for Christianity.”  But then I thought about how that came up.  Did Dabo challenge him to a sword drill?  “C’mon Scotty! 1 Peter 3:12 on the count of three!  One, two, THREE!  Ha ha, got you my man!  You come to Clemson and we’ll have you finding the minor prophets in under three seconds!”

“It’s where I want to be.”

Again, he’s from HAWAII.  Let’s see, Hawaii, Lake Hartwell, Hawaii, Lake Hartwell, Hawaii, Lake Hartwell…I’ll take Lake Hartwell because I’m DUMB AS A BAG OF BALL PEEN HAMMERS.

“They are a top ten school academically.”

Wha…I…what?  Top 10 in…the ACC?  The state of South Carolina?  Are the Clemson folks just flat out lying to recruits?

“I”m all-in for Clemson”

Ah, geez, it’s brainwashing.  No question about it.  They’ve got some Tony Robbins-type dude who instead of convincing them to walk on hot coals convinces them to commit to CTU.

Or maybe, just maybe, there is a large armoire somewhere on campus that takes you to Narnia.

Yeah, that has to be it.