“UGA Player Put Hashbrowns in Her Pants”

I thought pretty hard about a headline for this story, but then the realization hit me that sometimes truth is stranger than fiction, and sometimes you just shouldn’t screw with a great headline.  And folks, this is an all-timer:

Now, this story raises so many questions about this situation and the poor, unfortunate co-ed who put hashbrowns down her pants.  Chief among them:

• What kind of pants are we talking about here? Exercise pants? Soccer pants? Capris? Jeans? Not skinny jeans obviously…well, maybe that’s not so obvious.  This whole hashbrowns in the pants thing is so precedent setting.
• Did the pants have pockets? Did she put the hashbrowns in a pocket and the writers are having a little fun with the story? Or did she literally pull out her waistband and stick hashbrowns IN HER PANTS.
• Front, back or side?  This is an important fact that is being left out.  There are places in a girls pants where you just don’t want to put hashbrowns…like EVERYWHERE.
• The story says she had money to pay for the hashbrowns.  Carli, honey, why didn’t you pay for the hashbrowns?
• Hashbrowns can be seriously greasy…just not even going to go down that path.
• Who did she call first?  “Mom, I got arrested.  No, I tried to steal hashbrowns by sticking them in my pants.  Yes, your signal is fine, and I did say I tried to steal hashbrowns by sticking them in my pants.”
• If you didn’t know about this story, and you heard a UGA athlete was arrested for sticking hashbrowns in their pants, how many guesses as to which sport it was would you make before you said WOMEN’S SOCCER?
• Why was she taken to jail for trying to steal $1.06 worth of cafeteria hashbrowns?  Couldn’t the cops have spared her the humiliation and just said, “Young lady, don’t put hashbrowns in your pants again.”

I’m sure Ms. Shultis is completely mortified by this whole situation and never wants to show her face in public again.  But in time she will realize this is a golden (no pun intended) opportunity to cash in. 

Go on talk shows.  Do radio interviews. 

Contact Jimmy Kimmel for a recurring “things you shouldn’t stick in your pants” segment on his show.

Come out with a t-shirt that says “Have you seen my hashbrowns?”  I’d buy one.

Heck, come out with a line of pants with a secret “hashbrown pocket”.

I’m available to be your agent Ms. Shultis, I think you could really scatter and smother this thing into a big payday.  I’ll only take 10%.

Or some free hashbrowns.