Help me out here, how many stages of grief are there? Upon hearing about the Jeep Hunter dismissal, the editorial staff at TRC probably blew through them all in short order. We went from #1 Groggy Comprehension (Huh, who? Hey, I was asleep – don’t call me right after lunch!), to #2 Curious Googling (Oh, THAT Jeep Hunter), to #3 Bargaining (Look, I’ll buy you a beer if you will STOP talking about Jeep Hunter) to #4 Acceptance (Hey, Whaddyagonnado?) in the short span of a half work day.
With that now behind us (and a long weekend to drink off the other, more upsetting, news that decrepit Madonna is providing the Super Bowl halftime show) we here at TRC are now mentally prepared to give you our rundown of the top ten DB coaching candidates, with unassailable reasons why they will all-ALL, MIND YOU- be considered by the HBC:
10. Willie Martinez. Former Defensive Coordinator for UGa, Martinez is well-known for having roomed with Mark Richt during their mutual time on the University of Miami’s football team. Think about that for a minute: he survived rooming with the most boring man in all of sport. That alone is a strong testimony to his will and self-determination.
9. Charlize Theron. Well, more accurately the character she played in Three Days in the Valley. Or maybe that Sci-Fi flick where she jumped around in the black unitard. Hot as hell in both those movies, and I’d pay some serious scratch to watch her prowl the sweaty sidelines at the WB.
8. Charlize Theron in all the other movies she did. Except Monster – that was gross.
7. Troy Douglas. Formerly of UNCarolina, Mr. Douglas has a solid reputation of joining programs on the verge of NCAA probation, and then reconstructing a serviceable pass defense despite the eligibility Armageddon. Not saying that is about to happen here BUT OH MY GOD WHAT IF WE GET HAMMERED FOR WHITNEYGATE I HATE YOU JOE PERSON!!!
6. Dr. T. Berry Brazelton. You may or may not remember him, but his “touchpoints” approach to defense got me through a rough ten years or so of dealing with young people.
5. Duce Staley/ Terry Cousins/ Chris Rumph/ Steve Taneyhill/ Mark Dantonio. Because this is the internet, and that is the sort of nonsense we are required to discuss.
4. Vic Koenning. He is available still, right? Got let go with the Zooker up at Illinois, I think. He should be considered just because it would royally hack off Mr. Dabo Cornelius Swinney. That’s right, I’ve invented a middle name for Dabo. Tweet that.
3. Brad Scott. Just to make him run around a little. Hey, I’m concerned for his health, and it looks like he makes the CTU guys carry him around all the time.
2. A Pellini. Don’t care which one. Hire one just for the faces they make.
1. Steven Orr Spurrier. You figure he would call an all-out double zero coverage blitz on EVERY snap. Guaranteed to get the ball back one way or the other, right?
Think that should cover it.