TRC’s Somewhat Fake ACC Power Rankings

ACC Championship Game (or a reasonable facsimile)

For the first time in the 14-year history of the Bowl Championship Series the Atlantic Coast Conference has placed two (2) teams in BCS bowl games. As you all know, CTU was able to win the ACC Championship Game, and somewhat surprisingly Virginia Tech was given one of the BCS at-large bids and will play Michigan in the Sugar Bowl.

You know, I say “somewhat surprisingly” because the media never really brought up a second ACC team as a possibility heading to selection Sunday. But we here at TRC knew “the little conference that could” would someday break through and have two teams worthy of BCS Bowlness. So in honor of this grand accomplishment we offer our first ever ACC Power Rankings, consisting of teams within the ACC, and some teams, things and people that these squads had to overcome in the 2011 football season:

  1. South Carolina – an obvious first choice. We know they’re not in the ACC, but when you beat the ACC “champs” by three touchdowns, well…just go ahead and FedEx the trophy to Columbia. We’ll melt it down and make some nice state championship bracelet charms for our supermodel girlfriends.
  2. Wet Paper Bag – the switch to double wall construction really benefitted WPB this season. Word is Al Groh may be in line to take over head coaching duties in 2012.
  3. Virginia Tech – it just flat out cracks us up that the “champs” beat them handily not once but TWICE this season, and are still ranked lower in the major polls. We’re not good at logic, so we’ll follow suit. LOLZ
  4. Down Comforter – soft, warm and comfortable, but don’t sleep on (beneath) Down Comforter or it can smother your ass in a heartbeat.
  5. NC State – beat the “champs” by 24 points, how can you possibly rank the Pack lower? It’s just stupid to rank a team lower than a team they beat, right? /brings logic back in from window
  6. #OccupyWallStreet – Tenacious. Odiferous.
  7. Georgia Tech – also beat the “champs”. We called Paul Johnson to congratulate him on a great season and he told us to “go #### yourself!!!” We also overheard him tell his administrative assistant the same thing when she asked him if he wanted a house salad or Caesar.
  8. Clemson – should be ranked higher…aw, who am I kidding, no they shouldn’t.
  9. All I needed was a reason.

    Victoria’s Secret Catalog Models – mesmerizing and highly disciplined, wings cause fits for teams who like to play man-to-man.

  10. Florida State – ranked preseason top 10 this year, screwed the pooch, will be ranked top 10 preseason next year, all based on their 1999 National Championship. Will also have a top 5 ranked recruiting class for the 27th consecutive year and will be given some type of trophy for no reason.
  11. Wake Forest – most of the 200 students enrolled at WFU are actually on the football roster, which explains the extremely small home crowds. Jim Grobe cries himself to sleep every night thinking about all the jobs he could’ve had three years ago.
  12. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man – SEC size and attitude, but ACC speed. Good thing ACC games are played in tiny stadiums and not on the streets of New York. (And if you’re a child of the 80’s, a reference that will never not be funny.)
  13. North Carolina – has a team ever cheated so much to accomplish so little? Put your hand down Clemson.
  14. Miami – when Ray Lewis stops using you to pimp himself on TV during bye weeks, then you know you’ve hit rock bottom. Check that, when Al Golden calls Temple and begs them to take him back, THEN you know you’ve hit rock bottom. Oh, and Nevin Shapiro.
  15. Betty Crocker Yellow Cream Frosting – don’t let the color fool you, coming down off a sugar high can cause disastrous fourth quarters.
  16. Boston College – yes, still has a football team, one that grows more bafflingly irrelevant every year. If not for Matt Ryan, B.J. Raji and Mark Herzlich, the B.C. football program would literally be invisible.
  17. Maryland – James Franklin has a picture of you on his wall Maryland. He blocks out 30 minutes per day to point at it and laugh.
  18. Inanimate Carbon Rod – see Simpsons, The.
  19. Duke – was 1-7 in conference and 3-9 overall, which adds up to their best season in 52 years. Congrats Blue Devils!
  20. Cumberland – still haven’t completely recovered from the 222-0 loss to Georgia Tech.

Next week we take a look at the Big East’s new powerhouse, Wonderbread.

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