The Mindmatic 3000 is my pet project – a secret invention I will soon unleash upon the world. Its gonna be like the ipod or the wheel, except a whole lot bigger. Basically I hook myself up to the gizmo, and it records my exact thoughts as I have them – in real-time and unedited.
Kind of hard to explain, so I’ll demonstrate. I’ll read something innocuous – say the recent Justin King article, “Courage” on TBS (which is an excellent site, btw) – and you can immediately read all of my innermost thoughts LIVE.
Ready? Let’s begin:
WWWWWHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR–Man this thing is loud and its kinda heating up my scalp – why is my brother bald but I’m not when we’ve got the same dad? Dad had a birthday last week and I forgot to call him – WAIT – FOCUS – Justin King Justin King Justin King – that cat has some cool videos, actually they’re all kinda identical except for the game footage and they always end with that out-of-focus gamecock flag – Man big picture of Alshon at the top of the article WHY CANT WE THROW THE BALL TO HIM EVEN AN ARM PUNT DOWN THE FIELD WOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS NONSENSE WHO OUT THERE DOESNT THINK THAT ALSHON CAN BEAT A DOUBLE TEAM? WHAT GOOD IS IT TO HAVE SPURRIER IF OUR OFFENSE STINKS EVERY YEAR – – OUCH my leg is bleeding oh its cause I just stabbed myself with a pen can I get tetnus from that when was may last tenus shot I don’t think I’ve even had one I always lie on the forms – WAIT – Justin King says ‘Saturday Hurt’ well he is doggone right about that one it did hurt but he says it didnt hurt me as much as it hurt Connor or Alshon – I might give you Connor cause that was a brutal hit but Alshon’s biggest hurt is that he’s gotta wait 5 more months before he’s a millionaire so Im thinking it might hurt me more since Im broke and alway gonna be broke WHY DOESNT EVERYONE RECOGNIZE THAT IM A GENIUS I’VE TURNED OUT TO BE A BIG FAILURE WELL not a failure just not as big a deal as Merck – Merck was always popular I THINK HE EVEN NAILED MY SISTER course he ain’t unique in that regard, anyway. FOCUS – JUSTIN KING ARTICLE – OK he says Victor Hampton got beat deep and he didn’t like it when he did – wait he got beat deep? there was that one play but I think he was supposed to have safety help I blame Williams not Hampton on that one but it wouldn’t have even mattered if Ellis Johnson would call a damn blitz every now and then. If Gilmore is NFL bound and Hampton is so fast and CC is mean, why don’t we JUST PLAY MAN DEFENSE AND BLITZ PEOPLE JOE LEE DUNN MAN HE WAS KINDA FAT AND WE STILL LOST A BUNCH BUT I LIKED HIM even when Kimrey threw the fade he was pointing at something like maybe safety help that was missing WHAT IF JOE MO WAS still alive man I bet he would be retiring right now with 200 wins well the math aint right but I loved that guy and Joe Lee was only with him for a year or two right I mean it was Al Groh some also wasn’t it? Wait – Al Groh is at Tech now and they just beat Clemson and that was beautiful but everyone I know is a Clemson fan and they are already forgetting and thinking they are awesome again why are there so many of them in Dollar General I mean its weird you walk in and everyone is wearing orange. CVS is kinda that way not not like Dollar General or Family Dollar or even Walmart I mean if you walk into the Anderson Target I bet they are all Tiger fans but they don’t wear all orange all the time. Man they’re gonna kill us especially IF WE DON”T THROW THE DAMN BALL TO ALSHON AND ELLIS DOESNT BLITZ TAJH BOYD OFF HIS ASS LIKE AL GROH DID wait it is Al Groh, isn’t it? Justin King says that we can’t question the teams heart – he obviously hasn’t seen us cover a kick – how can our guys get blown off their assignments and not get down there to cover EVERY FREAKING TIME GOOD LORD FLORIDA WILL HAVE A FIELD DAY WITH US ON KICKOFFS AND THEN WEVE GOTTA FACE SAMMY WATKINS maybe we should fire John Butler and beg Rychleski to come back no I understand he liked the ladies but he had our special teams doing well was he married? Man I hope my wife doesn’t find out about that girl in Accounting it just started cause she said her ankles hurt in her heels and I rubbed her feet in the breakroom and then she looked straight at me and she kinda twirled her hair and WAITWAITWAIT focus on Justin King Justin King – So he says Gamecock Nation doesn’t exist except where its in us or on us, but that doesn’t really mean anything its kinda like saying puppies kittens and happy butterflies you may feel better but youve learned absolutely jack squat. And whats this nonsense he’s spouting about now they need us more than ever last time I checked they don’t need us for anything what they need is a coach THAT WILL THROW THE DAMN BALL TO ALSHON FOR CRYING OUT LOUD – What if that girl from accounting calls my house? How can I explain that to my old lady? Justin King says the players need us now more than ever and that we should support and love them no matter what even when they don’t deserve it. Try telling that to my wife if the girl from accounting calls . . .
[So obviously I’ve still got some work to do on the gadget, but let’s not let my wife know about this, shall we?]