What You Don’t Know About the New Uniforms

Have you seen them yet?  The first pictures of the 2011 edition football uniforms hit the web this week.  Opinions in the twitter/blog/webboard-a-sphere have been mixed.  Some think the new unis are clean, modern designs that will motivate our players and attract fashion-forward recruits.  Others think the new duds are more evidence that the UA corporate overlords are secretly obsessed with the Louisville Cardinals, circa 1999.

In case you haven’t seen them yet, take a gander:

We here at TRC did some digging, talked with some of our sources, poked around a little, and compiled the follow list of little known facts about our new Under Armour Uniforms:

• Kyle Nunn is not actually wearing the garnet uniform – its just a cardboard cutout he is standing behind.
• Under Armour is apparently itching for patent infringement litigation with the Sarah Blakely Corporation, maker of Spanx.
• The sleeve stripes were inspired by a beach umbrella the HBC saw while in Destin last summer.
• Justice Cunnigham’s mom agreed to take him to the arcade if he would “just try on the [expletive deleted] clothes first.”
• Strength and Conditioning Coach Craig Fitzgerald insisted that barbed wire be sown into the inseams – this is obvious by looking at the face of the three players, but the purpose is unknown..
• The numbers and the CAROLINA are both in a new, proprietary font that USC hopes to standardize across all sports called “machine” (this is actually true).
• The machine font was first introduced in the high score screen of KC Munchkin’s Crazy Chase on the Odyssey 2 Videogame platform.
• The extra long belts were mandated by the SEC in the wake of Marcus Lattimore’s 2010 dismantling of the Georgia Bulldogs, and are officially referred to as “Bacari Rambo Tackling Assistance Handles.”
• Yes, the black version has equestrian riding pants complete with saddle-hugging side billows (riding crop not shown).
•  This photo was not taken in the Williams-Brice home lockerrroom.  That’s actually the changing room at Aeropostale in the Columbiana Mall.
• The dye used for the uniform material has the unfortunate side effect of making all human hair spontaneously fall out 8 seconds after contact.  Note that Justice was the last to don the uniform, doing so approximately 7 seconds prior to the taking of this photo.
• Also note the absence of the SEC badge on the jerseys.  This is a sign that the conference still has some sense.  This writer is encouraged thereby that all hope is not lost, and TAMU will never be invited to join the league.
• In the packing list was a note from the UA design team that said “lulz lulz lulz, we trollz youz.”  No one knows what this means.
• Further explanation on the UA logo – its not initials, its a side view of butt cheeks, which gives you a good idea of their opinion of us all.
• As bad of an abomination these unis are, they don’t even approach the eye-assaulting purple nonsense of the CTU Nikes.