Things Alshon Does(n’t)

So I’m headed home for the day, looking forward to a nice relaxing evening at home.  I pull up to a red light and surreptitiously check my phone (doggone texting ban, you make such sense, but I hate you still) for messages.  I roll across a retweet of the following:!/pastorofpain/status/90539559762399234

Wow.  W.O.W.  Did not see that one coming.  Jeffrey has always been, as far as I can tell, a model student-athlete.  In fact, his team leadership was just rewarded when he was named as one of three Gamecock representatives to SEC Media Days.  The HBC doesn’t just hand those plane tickets out like candy, you’ve got to earn it.

But still, the tweet was from Sport Radio personality, ne’ New York Giant, ne’ Gamecock Footballer, Corey Miller.  He would know, right?  And he says he has a source, and a source would know, wouldn’t he/she/it?

A few minutes pass, and Miller’s source has more information:!/pastorofpain/status/90544597494804481

How do you blog the sound of a needle scratching off a record?  Would it look like SSSCCCRRREEEAAAACCCCTTTTCCCHHHH? Not sure, but I digress.  Bottom line, I quickly developed a reasonable doubt about the veracity of this story.  First, either Corey or his source were woefully behind the curve on our current football roster, as Nick Allison quit the team over a year ago and ran back home to his Asheville, NC girl-squeeze.  But even more than that, I doubted that our all-american gazelle of a wide-out was hanging out in Fivepoints with a reserve no-name trenchman.

I mean, I WANT our team to be built like that, I would LOVE to think we had that kind of top-to-bottom cohesiveness, but I strongly suspect that Alshon Jeffrey, potential Biletnikoff Award Winner and 2012 NFL First Round Draft pick, might have a slightly more glamorous entourage.

So the story had cracks, but it was still a concern, right?  Then I saw this:!/pastorofpain/status/90549221685596160

Apparently the story had developed to the point where a brand new member of our offensive line was hit in the mouth by an unknown assailant who was actually wielding our potential Heisman Candidate as a weapon!  Unbelievable.

Really.  I mean that.  The story was and is unbelievable.

Within a couple of hours, Miller revised and extended his earlier remarks thusly:!/pastorofpain/status/90598270170185728

So what do we know?  Not much as it turns out, other than Alshon Jeffrey absolutely did NOT get arrested over the weekend.

Can I have the last two hours of my life back?  More importantly, can Alshon?

3 thoughts on “Things Alshon Does(n’t)

  1. I think we can all agree the real loser here is the University of South Carolina English Department.

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