Dear Jadeveon…if you attend Clemson Tiger University…

Earlier this week I read a blog post called “Dear Jadeveon…if you attend the University of South Carolina” (h/t It’s fair, and honest, and lays out some good reasons for Jadeveon Clowney to don the garnet & black next season.

But to the dismay of Gamecock fans everywhere, CTU has come on strong in recent days and by all accounts is in a neck and neck battle with USC for the services of the consensus top player in the country. And let’s be honest, there are a lot of great reasons for him to consider CTU, some football related and some not.

So to keep things fair, I ask the Gamecock Nation to take the blinders off for a moment and consider some of the reasons Jadeveon Clowney might just choose CTU:

  • Practically unlimited, and irrisistible, orange and purple uniform combinations
  • If you like to have your rear end smacked, Dabo is your man
  • The thrill of playing in front of literally hundreds of fans at Cameron Indoor Wallace Wade Stadium
  • ACC football tradition…what? Oh, sorry, ACC basketball tradition
  • Two syllables: tractors
  • Dabo has promised to punch himself in the face until unconscious strictly for your entertainment
  • Speaking of Dabo, who else has a coach who also stars on “30 Rock”?

    Dabo, aka Kenneth Parcell, on set
  • That little street through the middle of town with the store that sells stuff
  • The possibility of seeing a drunken Brent Musburger hitting on young co-eds at the Esso Club
  • Gameday meals provided by Ernie & Jewell’s Pig Innards and Snout Grindings
  • When Cletus brings his wife and sister to an autograph session, you only have to sign two autographs
  • If you’re really drunk, the lack of dental services and that big clock in the middle of campus make it easy to pretend you’re in London
  • Now that Brad Scott has retired he’s looking to shade some folks, if you’re interested
  • Kevin Steele gets so jacked up on the sidelines that he passes out, which is AWESOME
  • Cow patties make great doorstops
  • Hop in a car and drive south and you can find really hot college chicks within a couple of hours
  • CTU facemasks are dipped in diesel fuel to block the smell of the pastures
  • That’s Danny Ford lurking in the bushes naked, no kidding
  • Make all-ACC more than twice and have your jersey retired and a tool shed named after you
  • You can celebrate the 1981 National Championship, and the subsequent 1982, 1983, 1984 and 1985 probations (aka “The Salad Days”)
  • Every year you’ll only be 8-10 plays and 48-65 points from an ACC championship and/or BCS National Championship birth
  • Even after South Carolina beats you four straight, you can still say, “YEAH, BUT LOOK AT THE ALL-TIME RECORD BAYBEE, WOOHOO!”
  • Speaking of WOOHOO…Awesomest. Fight song. Ever.
  • You never have to hear of the God-awful city of Omaha ever again, for it has been stricken from the record at CTU
  • You get to play at the most storied college football program in the history of Pickens County

Godspeed Jadeveon, I’m glad you’re making the decision and not me.

8 thoughts on “Dear Jadeveon…if you attend Clemson Tiger University…

  1. That’s why Clowney should come to Alabama, because I don’t know about the clemson fans but the Carolina fans are plain out idiotic.

    1. An Alabama fan, who calls himself “Realistic Guy”, doesn’t know about Clemson fans, and calls Carolina fans idiotic. Wow, where to begin…

  2. genius!!! I’ve had five books published and love the creativity here. nothing is too good for our cheatah brethren!

  3. Heelarious! I LOL’ed on each point. I appreciate you referring to my original “Dear Jadeveon” article. I enjoyed reading yours far more than I enjoyed writing mine! 🙂

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