A Special Report from Oppositeland

Stephen Opposite Spurrier - Always Smiling

And now, Coach Spurrier gives us a report on Saturday’s scrimmage from Oppositeland:

Spurrier: OK, guys, thanks for coming out, it’s always a pleasure to have you out here with us. First of all, in addition to it being another beautiful day to be a Gamecock, I’d say we had one of our typical scrimmages, which means it was outstanding on both sides of the ball. Our offense moved the ball when we wanted them to, and our defense stopped the offense when we wanted them to, just like we planned. Things could not have looked better, my friends. Questions?

Reporter: Coach, you say you liked the offense today, but are you concerned about the seven sacks, particularly the five with Garcia in the game?

Spurrier: Aw, that’s just a part of learning and why we practice. You’re going to have good plays and bad plays, no biggie. As for Stephen Garcia, he just keeps getting better every practice. His decision making is superb, he has a rocket arm and is a leader. He’s got all-SEC and maybe all-American written all over him. I just hope he decides to stick around and not jump to the NFL after this year.

Reporter: How about the back-ups?

Spurrier: I have to say, I couldn’t be happier with Shaw and Clifford, they have bright futures ahead of them. But it would be silly to think either could beat Garcia out at this point. Stephen is just so far ahead. The bottom line is we are in good hands at quarterback. Of course, if I had a receiving crew like we have now when I played I’d probably still be playing.

Long pause for reporters’ sycophantic laughter to die down.

Reporter: Are you pleased with the progress of the offensive line?

Spurrier: Oh, you bet. Those guys are aggressive and rarely miss an assignment. It’s all instinct now, they almost don’t even need to be coached.

Reporter: How about on defense? Are you missing Eric Norwood?

Spurrier: I don’t think there’s any question our D will be better than last year, even though it’s hard to top “great”. And of course we miss Eric Norwood, he was an unbelievable defender. As a matter of fact, I’d like to take this time to announce that we are not only going to retire Eric’s number, we are going to retire his NAME at the University of South Carolina. There will never be another Eric Norwood playing for the Gamecocks. Literally.

Reporter: Coach, how is the investigation on the living arrangements of Saunders, King and Robertson going?

Spurrier: Aw, yeah, I’m more than happy to talk about that. Where is that Joe Person anyway?

Joe: Here I am coach.

Spurrier: Get up here you little scamp. (Person walks up, Spurrier puts him in a headlock and gives him a noogie.) I love this guy! Joe, you found out anything else?

Joe: Not yet, coach.

Spurrier: Atta boy Joe. Keep on diggin’. If you find anything out you let us know, all right?

Joe: (Smiling sheepishly, kicking dirt) OK, coach.

Spurrier: OK then, my men. I’ll close by saying I cannot wait for September 2. Our guys could go tomorrow if necessary and play great. But since we have two and a half weeks to go, we’ll use it to get sharper and start our run at the BSC national title. Now you gentlemen have a good evening and say hello to the wives and kids for me.

– buck