The quiet murmurs have become a deafening roar among commentators: The Southeastern Conference is about to expand.
With Texas A&M all but announcing their switch outright, the questions now swirling in the zeitgeist have moved from the Aggies’ membership to some version or the other of “who’s next?”
Based on our extensive list (well, it’s more like a few phone numbers jotted down on a cocktail napkin) of well-connected sources (actually upon review this appears to be a drunken scrawl of a ceviche recipe) we offer the following Insider ™ guide to the potential SEC expansion candidates, in order of likelihood:
- Florida State – Let’s be honest, they’ve kinda been in the SEC all along, haven’t they? And their location in that southern Georgia part of eastern Alabama makes perfect geographic sense. Oh and that FSU chick is pretty hot.
- Kentucky – they’ve been in the conference for basketball for decades, so it’s a natural fit for them join up as a football school as well, assuming that is, they actually have a football team.
- Notre Dame – They’ll have to join the rest of us in the 90s, er 2010s or whatever first, cause we don’t call our lady-folk “dames” around here. But the gold helmets would look good on someone who knows how to play football (we are looking straight at you, Vandy). Oh and the big ol’ Jesus statute looks like the one at Dollywood, so there’s that.
- Oregon State – but only if they can be Carolina’s permanent Western Division foe. And if you have to ask why, then I don’t know what to tell you.
- Carla Gugino – her name doesn’t really fit, I’ll grant you, but she’s built for a physical style of football. Fast, too.
- Miami – Auburn needs a travel partner to and from the detention center. Miami will totally hold your weed for you, Tigs, and has ZERO problem with carrying around loads of cash.
- Oregon and Virginia Tech together –throw Carolina in there and you have the legendary culinary treat, the turduckin.
- Missouri – not really, that would be stupid, but everyone keeps mentioning them for some reason.
- Oklahoma – Hot weather? Check. Traditional Unis? Check. Willingness to blatantly cheat? Check. Oh and Stoopsie wears a visor.
- Ohio State – wait that’s a bad idea, since they have an even worse record against the SEC than Southern Miss, Troy, or Memphis.
- Texas Tech. Just to get Tommy Turberville back in the conference. Stupid onside kick in the third quarter, dang it. #jugears
- TCU – Is there a mascot more tailor-made for the SEC than a daggum frog? Added bonus here is that it would really piss off those losers in the Big East. Oh, we would need to educate the LSU fans that the Superfrog is not actual food.
- The British chick from Captain America – but only if Gugino turns us down first.
- Memphis – NOT! (HA, I TROLLZ YOU, BLUE TIGERS!)
- North Carolina State – hear me out on this one. Yes they suck at everything. But “The Wolfpack” is the batcrap coolest mascot out there. I wish WE were the Wolfpack, for crying out loud. It would also annoy the Tarheels, which is all we’ve been trying to do since the 1970s around here, so . . .
- Furman University – For personal reasons. Move along, gentle reader.
- Louisville – Someone in the Bluegrass State needs to represent on the gridiron, right? Plus they have a bird mascot, which appeals to me for some reason.
- William Shatner – Man never quits. Bad toupee and old as hell, but he’s got like 5 shows on TV right now and a hit music album. If the SEC is going after Arbitron numbers, then look no further than the Captain.
- Georgia – we want the Pre-Richt/Donnan/Goff version to rejoin the conference. Remember when the Dawgs were relevant? Me neither.
- CTU – cause it makes them so orgasmically happy just to be mentioned in any SEC speculation, and I’m starting to feel this  much sorry for the miserable little inbred cretins.