The Comeuppance Report; or, Who I’m Pulling Against This Week

This has been a strange week.  I’ve been less motivated than usual (which is saying something), and don’t have the typical vitriol built up that I usually have heading into a college football weekend.  Maybe the big win over Georgia last week combined with a supposed “gimme” this week has eased my nerves and softened me up.  

Regardless, here is a kindler, gentler version of who I’m pulling against this week:  

Orange Tigers – Of course, I’m mainly pulling against the orange Tigers from the upstate, but I don’t want the orange Tigers from L.A. to look too good doing it.  Then again, a 45-7 Auburn victory this week, and then a victory for the Gamecocks on the Plains next week would catapult us into a legitimate top 10 ranking.  And probably cause a slew of bridge-jumping related deaths in upstate South Carolina. 

Furman – I’ve never given Furman football fans even a passing thought until this week.  Turns out they are easily offended and quite a humorless bunch. 

Duke – Even though it hasn’t happened yet, I keep hoping massive failure by the Duke football team will somehow translate into massive failure for the Duke basketball team.  Look for ‘Bama to be playing walk-ons by the third quarter.  

Georgia – This was a tough call.  Since we in essence have a two-game lead on them in the division, I’ve given a brief thought to actually pulling for them to help further legitimize our decisive victory over them last week.  But nah, it turns out watching fans of teams you despise have nuclear meltdowns up close is quite entertaining. 

The Masters? Yes. SEC Football? No.

The CBS 3:30 Game – Why in the world is Florida-Tennessee still worthy of the CBS 3:30 p.m. slot?  Oh, right, because the SEC slate of games sucks this week.  Speaking of, the SEC needs to find a way to break up with CBS and date ESPN exclusively.  Even though ESPN is incredibly self-indulgent and stuck up, she’s still the hottest chick around.  Plus she acts like she might like us.  CBS is getting older and more boring with each passing season, plus she’s starting to smell a little like mothballs (I’m looking at you Verne).  I’ll watch this game anyway, because there’s no way these two teams can be as bad as they seem.  

Rick Neuheisel – How does this tool still have a job?  And who gave him the green light to address the fans after home games?  Worst…idea…ever. 

Pat Conroy – For this statement to the Wall Street Journal about Marcus Lattimore:  “I keep thinking he’s going to break his leg,” says Mr. Conroy, “because of the Chicken Curse.”  A big fat shut the hell up to you Mr. Conroy, you blasphemer.    

Bacteria – Feeling a little under the weather today, which is not good.  I only give myself 14-15 Saturdays per year to engage in extreme gluttony and sloth, and I cannot afford to have sickness ruin one of those days.