If you live in the shadows of Clemson Tiger University the way that I do, you’ve probably heard the latest orange-tinged ruckus about Gamecock uber-safety, D.J. Swearinger. It seems that our junior FBS fan base to the north is upset because #36 hits too hard, or enjoys the game too much, or expresses himself too readily for their collectively refined tastes.
Now I won’t go to any great lengths to point out the hypocrisy of their position, but Jaron Brown’s behind the play earholing of Shaq Wilson last year does spring to mind. And CTU Strength and Conditioning Coach, Joey Batson, (listen to the :20 mark here) yelling at Wilson to “read your history books, punk.” I’m also cognizant of the repeated cheap shots to the face of Syvelle Newton that ultimately led to a bench clearing brawl in the 2004 game. And I’m sure many Gamecocks remember Clemson’s Brentson Buckner literally standing on a Carolina offensive lineman as he yelled “get some players” in the 1991 debacle at Williams Brice.
I won’t get into details of those, or the myriad other, examples of poor sportsmanship by the Tigers. But it is grating to witness the sudden holier-than-thou attitudes of their fans now that our dominance of the rivalry has, at long last, asserted itself.
But back to our man D.J. The specific incident that has the Tigers upset is not, as you might expect, the bone-rattling takedown of Andre Ellington, or Swearinger’s immediate arm flexing antics that followed. Instead, they are most upset about the disrespect that #36 supposedly showed to their beloved Head Coach, Dabo Swinney. Quoting from the Tiger Illustrated write-up:
— We’ve received some questions about the incident between South Carolina defensive back D.J. Swearinger and Dabo Swinney in the final moments of last week’s game at Death Valley. Numerous people who witnessed the incident tell us that Swearinger verbally confronted Swinney as Clemson took over for its final possession with 23 seconds left.
Basically, it was a profanity-laced tirade in which Swearinger screamed that Swinney couldn’t back up his talk. Swearinger had to be directed to the other side of the field by a teammate because the ball was about to be snapped.
Swinney did not say anything during Swearinger’s rant, but he addressed it with his players afterward in the locker room by telling them they’d be kicked off the team if they ever confronted an opposing coach.
So what, exactly, did D.J. yell at Dabo? D.J. isn’t talking, other than to offer the following via his twitter feed:
Sooooo i cussed dabo out after the game??!?!?! Thats funny, people a say anything to ‘TRY’ n bring you down lol but for the record, i didnt
— DJ Swearinger (@JungleBoi_Swagg) December 3, 2012
We’ve decided to try to reconstruct the so-called “tirade.” So after careful film study, consultation with a lip reader and several linguistic experts (OK, me and a couple of guys from work), we can definitely state that DJ said one of the following, depending on the listed topic he might have chosen. Or not. Just go with it, people. Sheesh:
Geographic: “If USC is in California, and Carolina is in Chapel Hill, then what team is it that keeps whooping your ass, Dabo?”
Technological: “Man I tried to change my bank password to “Clemson” but I got an error message saying “TOO WEAK.””
Encouraging: “Keep your chin up, Coach Swinney, you will go through puberty SOME DAY.”
Oscar Wildean: “Coach, the simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me.”
Matriarchal: “Yo, Dabo, me and you got one big thing in common, in college we both slept with your [REDACTED].”
Obscure: “When you get lost in thought, Dabo, do you feel like a stranger there?”
Dickensian: “You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. There’s more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!”
Full Disclosure: “Coach, I’ll give you and Chad a fighting chance on this one: We’re playing deep thirds with a robber in the weakside flat. Oh, and Clowney’s coming hard off the edge.”
Mayan Calendar: “Look on the bright side, Coach: the pain will be over in less than a month.”
Fashionable: “Nice sweatshirt, coach. Might wanna get one a couple of sizes smaller, oh and in any color but orange.”
Gynecological: “You’ve got sand where? And it’s been there for FOUR YEARS? Might wanna have that checked by a doctor.”
Zombie Apocalypse: “I’d steer clear of Venables, Coach. Dude looks like he’s already been bitten.”
Factual: “Dabo, you make so many people in this state happy. You bring real joy to so many folks, you really do. Well, all the Gamecock fans, anyway.”
* * *
–Oh, and this picture is for all the tongue-clicking, suddenly-saintly, Tiger fans, even though we couldn’t figure out how to work it into the narrative: