What Spurrier Should Have Said
We should all agree that what the HBC said yesterday at the Lattimore Birthday/Pep Rally was inappropriate. He shouldn’t have made the comments he made. They weren’t factual, they were offered in the wrong spirit, and they didn’t take into account the full breadth and nature of the classic SC-CTU rivalry.
Accordingly, we would like to suggest the following dozen or so alternate comments that Spurrier should have made instead. Perhaps someone, somewhere, will show these to him and he can be appropriately chastened and correctly edified:
TRC SUGGESTED ALTERNATIVES TO OFFENSIVE “GARBAGE AND BS” STATEMENTS:
1. Sorry folks, I know we are supposed to all be here for Marcus, but I’ve got a bad case of the giggles. Can’t stop laughing because there’s apparently a grown man named ‘Dabo’ out there somewhere.
2. Clemson Sucks. I mean it really, really, sucks. The only reason the State of South Carolina doesn’t crack off at the Savannah River and flee away from the stink of Georgia is because Clemson is sucking so bad.
3. Dabo is so stupid. Do you know how stupid Dabo is? He’s so stupid that he thinks the Death Valley in California and the Death Valley in Louisiana were both named after Clemson’s Memorial Stadium. Which isn’t in a valley, by the way, its kind of carved out of the top of a hill, actually. That’s how stupid he is.
4. Hey, somebody ask Dabo if, when he wants to have breakfast with his mother, does he call her on the phone or does he still just nudge her?
5. Dabo is so ignorant that he and Tajh Boyd think that Val Kilmer was in Varsity Blues.
6. Dabo says the ‘Real Carolina’ is in Chapel Hill and the ‘Real USC’ is in California. I’ve got a question for you: What’s a ‘Real Dabo?’ Wait, I think I know the answer cause I just stepped on some.
7. Everyone who wears orange is either stupid, inbred, or color blind. Or some combination of those three. Bunch of fat pumpkins wobbling around. Its disgusting.
8. I hear ol’ Dabo is a nature lover. That’s right, he loves nature. Which is awfully big of him, considering what nature did to him. Oh and something something something about sheep.
9. Some drink deep from the fountain of knowledge. Dabo just gargles and spits up.
10. If your head coach ever tells you he has to fly all the way to Nigeria to get a ball player, then you all three have a problem.
11. Even with Hartwell, Keowee, and Jocassee, Dabo can’t find anywhere to water ski. Yeah, turns out none of those lakes have a hill in them.
12. We all need to feel bad for Dabo. I understand he went to the doctor about his recurrent constipation. The doctor asked if he had been taking his prescribed suppositories regularly. Dabo responded angrily, “Yeah, what do you think I’ve been doing? Sticking them up my ass?”
UPDATE: Apparently there was no harm done by the HBC’s original comments. Appears Dabo didn’t understand them anyway:
Dabo said he did not take offense to spurrier’s jab. “I think he was trying to pay me a compliment. I think. “
— SportsTalk (@sportstalksc) October 30, 2012