TRC Investigative Report: Victor Hampton

You’ve heard the rumors. So have we. So has everyone.

Vic Hampton is trouble waiting to happen.

Whether it is his intimidating visage, or his street-cred demeanor, this redshirt sophomore from Darlington has developed something of a bad reputation.

We here at TRC do not deal in unsubstantiated innuendo and baseless rumor mongering, so we decided to put our veteran investigative unit on the trail of the erstwhile boundary corner. Below are the results of our investigation, including photographic evidence. A word of warning, as much of the information that follows is disturbing, and is not intended for those with tender sensibilities.

First, we looked into Mr. Hampton’s class attendance. We were able to capture this photo, establishing that he is, indeed, regularly attending class at USC:

Now, a troubling warning sign from this part of our investigation: Mr. Hampton was on his way to Literature 312: The Romantic Poets. We all know where that sort of thing can lead.

He also is accustom to playing with his cellphone in class, and is unable to properly navigate the landscape/portrait settings:

Sadly, the subject of this twisted photo is another member of the Gamecock football squad, Cadarious Sanders. We all know the old adage about one rotten apple, don’t we?

Next we looked at Mr. Hampton’s activities in school outside of the classroom environment. We discovered the following:

Apparently Mr. Hampton prefers chugging Redbull and texting girls to working out in the weightroom with his teammates. I know, we were saddened to learn this as well. What other young person do you know that would give in to such temptations?

What of his family? Witness the following:

I’m sure you recognize this seemingly loving and attractive American family for what it really is: a secret crime syndicate. Notice how stealthy and shifty the guy in the back row looks (no not HIM, that’s Vic, I’m referring to the one to his left). And we have it on good authority that the female to Hampton’s right has unpaid parking tickets. Well, one anyway. For her bicycle. And what is the man in the white shirt smiling about? His upcoming crime spree, no doubt.

And to top it all off, you have the Godfather in the lower center, surrounded by his close band of thieves. How ominous.

Hobbies? Check this out:

No, those aren’t multiple bingo cards that Victor is playing (and apparently winning, with a straight left-to-right bingo on the second row of the top card). No, instead this is the latest development in parimutuel betting: bingo-disquised parley cards. What he is actually celebrating is his wise removal of the marker from the 70 box on the “O” line of the middle card. For the uninitiated, the “O” line is for the Orange Bowl, and 70 was Hampton’s bet on the number of points one of the participants would surrender. Seasoned gambler, obviously.

Known associates? How about this sickening revelation:

Now you may think that this innocent looking grandmother is harmless. You might also think she is holding a garnet pom-pom. Wrong on both counts. This is actually a well-known trafficker in illegal human organs, and that is a human liver she is so flippantly shaking.

Somewhere, as you read this, someone is suddenly waking up in a bathtub of ice. On their chest is a prepaid cellphone and a note. The note reads, “I have removed your liver. You need immediate medical attention or you will die. Call 911. Love, Meemaw.”

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2 Responses to TRC Investigative Report: Victor Hampton

  1. Zak Lytle says:

    Good for you guys at TRC, this is by far the best read of the year AND newsworthy!

  2. tbone says:

    Thanks, Zak!

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