Monthly Archives: July 2011

We Solved the G.A. Mangus Mystery

See Here, and everything is finally explained.

Oh, and you’re welcomed.

 

Sincerely, TRC Investigative Staff.

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TRC Year One Retrospective – The Best of the Gman

Gman is the third “member” of TRC.  His best blog posts can be summed up thusly:

TRC Year One Retrospective – The Best of Buck

As Buck explained yesterday, TRC has its one year anniversary this Friday, and that milestone has us all in a reflective mood.  Buck took the opportunity to list some of my posts from the last year that he enjoyed, so I’m returning the favor today.

But before I get into the Best-of-Buck, it is probably appropriate for me to reflect on his work as a whole.  Buck’s posts tend to be more thoughtful than my own, with a breadth of insight that betrays his past as someone who actually played a sport once upon a time.  My stuff is more narrow-more focused- as my perspective was honed in the dark corners of my anemic and book-strewn bedroom whilst I cast resentful stares at my cheerleading sisters and footballing brother.  My work, in short, comes from a dark place.  Buck’s, on the other hand, comes from the wide-open wonderings of an all-around sports fan.  He loves it all, and remembers it all, while I have to confess that sometimes I don’t even know what sport he is referencing.

This is not a picture of Buck. Shame on you for thinking that.

Maybe an example would be a better demonstration:  here’s Buck and I arguing one of #5’s past misadventures.

The self-described “conscience of the blog,” Buck introduced us all to Tusings (his Tuesday Sports Musings) and to the occasional Comeuppance Report.  He can also be counted on to regularly sport a gently positive outlook vis-a-vis Gamecock Athletics.   For this I hate him.

Here’s a sample of Buck’s best stuff:

First Take – The post that started it all.  Well, it tried to EXPLAIN it all, anyway.

The Great Internet Message Board Debates – Part 1 – Buck takes on the concept of “Star Ratings.”

The Great Internet Message Board Debates – Part 2 – The series continues, with thoughts on [gasp] uniforms.

The Great Internet Message Board Debates – Part 3 – Is it ever ok to pull for CTU?

Remembering Kenny – Buck said it better than I ever could have – but he really lives up to our tagline here, by saying what everyone was thinking about #11.

Basketball – Where We Need Improvement – These are the posts that would not appear on TRC but for Buck.  I’m clueless around a basketball (kinda like Steve Newton – wait, was that a correct reference?  I’m not really sure).  Our own Gman has the knowledge, but is unfortunately hopeless around a computer.

Cold Blooded: A TRC Endorsement of Gus Johnson – Again, a basketball post, so I sorta glazed over, but Buck does respectfully call for the retirement of Verne Lundquist, so I endorse this endorsement.

It’s with baseball that Buck really hits his stride, however:  thoughts on Roth, CTU’s Super Faceplant, and The New Normal ,where the Gamecocks are the best and everyone else is jealous.

Interestingly, the usually genial Buck sometimes stumbles upon controversy (the Great Debates, for example).  I think it’s his pleasant outlook coupled with a general naivete. Regardless, he authored what turned out to be TRC’s most controversial post in its young history with The Rules of We.

TRC Year One Retrospective – The Best of Tbone

The one-year anniversary of The Rubber Chickens Blog is Friday, July 29.   We thank each and every one of you for coming by to read our blog and follow us on Twitter and/or Facebook.  It’s been a fun year, and we’ve really enjoyed having TRC as a creative outlet to write about Gamecock sports and a few other things.

We realize we have new followers all the time, so we decided to choose some of the top posts from the past year in case you missed them (and yes, also to pat ourselves on the back a little).  First up, I’ll pick some of my favorites from the Tbone archives.

Your first look at Tbone. I know, exactly what you expected.

Tbone is an intellect, quite scholarly, and I’ve warned him a couple of times that he might lose some of our fan base (namely me) with his use of big words and faux poems from William Carlos Williams (I still don’t know who this dude is).  I admit I try to have dictionary.com open when I read a new Tbone post, just in case. 

He has brought us memes like the Sunday Night Snark, Graphic Explanations, and TRC the Magazine.  Tbone invented the acronym CTU (he hates them more than anyone I know) and also specializes in bad Photoshop jobs.

Here are some of Tbone’s greatest hits:

Foto Friday

Sleeves still look like circus tents, and Alshon may wanna mix in a salad every now and then.

The Complete Idiots Guide to 2011 SEC Football Media Days (Day Three)

The SEC: You WILL watch us, one way or another

  • - Day 3 of Media Days kicks off bright and early with Vandy Head Coach James Franklin.  You ever been driving down a road late at night and come upon a deer in the road?  You remember the look the deer gives you?  No?  Well, show up for Coach Franklin’s time slot and get a quick reminder.  I almost feel bad for this guy.  Almost.
  • - The rest of the early morning alternates between Vandy and Bama players.  You might think this is like alternating between a dog poo sandwich and filet mignot, and you might be right, but we try to be generous and think of the Vandy players as palette cleansers.
  • - Bama’s Trent Richardson is in this group, and here’s betting that he will answer the question “who’s the best back in the SEC this year?” the same way that Lattimore did, by answering “Trent Richardson.”
  • - Bama Head Screw Nick Saban takes the podium at 10:00 am.  This is not an announcement, it is a warning.  DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM!  Do not be in the same room with him if you can help it.  He exudes a judgemental/arrogant/confident/precise excellence that-AAARRGGGGHHH  I STILL REMEMBER I STILL REMEMBER I STILL REMEMBER LAST TIME AND  HE MAKES ME FEEL SO SMALL AND LAZY AND WEAK. [You were warned.]
  • - LSU Head Hat Les Miles, known on TRC as “The Honey Badger,” follows Nick Saban because he is the only human being alive with enough balls to follow Nick Saban.
  • - 11:00 am comes and  . . .wha?  another Vandy player?  Seriously folks, they shouldn’t even be allowed in the ballroom.  Do not be surprised if all the media in attendance choose this moment to search for better cell signal outside.
  • - We then get a steady stream of LSU and Ole Miss players who are all named either Bolden or Shepherd.  LITTLE KNOWN SEC STAT FACT: The last player to suit up for LSU that wasn’t named Shepherd was a real live Bengal Tiger.  ADDITIONAL LITTLE KNOWN SEC STAT FACT: The last player to suit up for Ole Miss who wasn’t named Bolden wore a big floppy hat, had a white mustache, and wore a suit, but we aren’t allowed to mention him anymore.
  • - 12:20 promises to be a bittersweet moment as we hear from Ole Miss Coach Houston Nutt for his last SEC Football Media Days.  I’m not suggesting he will be fired at the end of the season or anything, its just that the Space Alien Overlords made us keep him on earth as punishment for our continued trespassing during the duration of NASA’s shuttle program.  Now that Atlantis has touched down for the last time,  those stinking Aliens have to take their problem-child back!
  • - blah blah blah more LSU and Ole Miss players are next, but look on the bright side:  we don’t have to listen to anyone from TAMU.  Yet.

And that’s a wrap on 2011 SEC Football Media Days.

The Complete Idiots Guide to 2011 SEC Football Media Days (Day Two)

You become vaguely aware of your own consciousness.
Stirring, you feel the cold of a concrete floor and hear the drum-drum-drumming
of a nearby commercial air-conditioner.  Standing, you realize you are in the
bowels of a large building.  A sign on the wall says "Wynfrey - Mechanical."
As you walk out into a bright lobby you remember: you were at SEC Media Days
yesterday and you overdosed bigtime on collegiate football excellence. You shake
your cobwebbed head, and then hear the strains of hotel lobby musick. It's The 
Carpenters, and Karen is singing to you alone, "Its only just begun . . . "
  • - Day 2 of Media Days starts off with an unfortunate snore, as Mark Richt takes to the podium bright and early at 8:30 am.  This morning time slot is no accident, as the SEC front office types have years of hard-learned lessons re: scheduling Coach Richt after lunch.
  • - After the media in attendance recover from Richt’s coma-talk we will all be honored to hear from the SEC’s 10th-ranked returning quarterback, Kentucky’s  Morgan Newton.  In what is obviously a harbinger of things to come on Saturday, November 19th, Mr. Newton is sandwiched between two Georgia Bulldogs in the speaking order.
  • - Speaking of Georgia, Super Soph (soft?) QB Aaron Murray is next up, and in what promises to be an early indicator of the 2011 season, we find out if the Bulldog signal caller can even walk or speak now that he is without A.J. Green and Kris Durham propping him up.
  • - UK Linebacker Danny Trevathan is the next speaker of interest.  RANDOM SEC STAT FACT: Trevathan led the SEC in tackles last year.  ANOTHER RANDOM SEC STAT FACT: No other Wildcat recorded a tackle.
  • - UK Head Coach Joker Phillips is up immediately after his defensive star, but he will be forced to answer awkward questions from the Lexington media about the progress of the basketball team’s offseason workouts. NO ONE INFO WILL BE REQUESTED OR PROVIDED.
  • - Georgia Tennessee coach Derek Dooley will then field questions about last year’s LSU  and UNC debacles.  He may or may not work strange World War II references into his spiel, and while these anecdotes won’t be relevant, we do have to admit it is kind of endearing the way he earnestly commits to them.
  • - Georgia’s Brandon Boykin follows Coach Dooley, but he is still so grumpy and tired from chasing Alshon Jeffrey last fall that he may not take any questions.
  • - Gene Chizik will then speak and introduce three of the numerous players he acquired in the offseason.  DO NOT QUESTION HIM FURTHER. Reason?  Witness THIS.
  • - UT’s Tauren Poole bats clean up on the day, that is unless Bryce Brown suddenly reappears.

And Gentle Reader, Day 3 still awaits!

The Complete Idiots Guide to 2011 SEC Football Media Days (Day One)

(NOTE: by "Complete Idiots" we mean to refer to all you 
CTU lurkers out there)

Always Here to Answer Your Questions

In the minds of many, The 2011 SEC Football Season kicks off tomorrow afternoon in Birmingham, Alabama at SEC Football Media Days.  Over 900 sportswriters and broadcasters (and three times that many corpulent Bama fans) will descend on the Wynfrey Hotel for a chance to rub shoulders with the elite in college football – the SEC head coaches and star players.  This contrasts to other such events, such as the ACC Media Days, which happen a week later in Greensboro, North Carolina and will be covered by no one (well, maybe some corpulent East Carolina fans will make the drive for the free buffet, but still).

For the uninitiated, here is a handy guide for following the first day of the three-day event:
  • - The 2011 football media guide will be officially released on the first day, although the cover art has already been revealed.  Note that the cover is either a tribute to the SEC’s five straight BCS championships, or an odd homage to the 2008 Autozone Liberty Bowl MVP, Mike Hartline.
  • - The scheduled speakers will start off with a Boom, as Georgia’s Florida’s Will Muschamp will take the podium at 1:00 pm Central Time.   The tradition of having a brand new coach lead off the event goes back for years, sometimes with entertaining results.  Former UF head coach Ron Zook talked so fast during his initial appearance that no one could write down a single word he said, and former USC head honcho Lou Holtz showered the front row media with so much spittle that they wore rain gear in subsequent years.
  • - A variety of Arkansas and Florida players will speak next, but as they are all named some version of Denarius, Jenarius or Deontarius, the media will quickly become disoriented and start instinctively writing stories about oversigning.  Knile Davis is in this segment, but you will find that everyone ignores him, no matter how garish his stats.
  • - Bobby Petrino is next up, and you will immediately notice his hair.  Or what looks like hair.  Kinda.  Its thin and wiry, and makes us think he’s been to a certain hairclub we won’t mention.  Oh, and we should probably mention that he’s an ass, so there’s that.
  • - The Head Waterbuffalo, Mike Slive (is it pronounced like ‘leave’ or like ‘live?’  Or maybe the ‘ve’ is silent and its pronounced ‘sly?’) is next on the podium and blah blah blah we dominate in every single metric in every single sport, blah blah etc, etc, etc.   Ears will be raised in College Station and Clemson when he accidentally says there are 14 member schools.  Do not be alarmed, gentle fans, WE WILL NEVER DO THAT.  NEVER. EVER. (please?).
  • - At about 3:20 in the afternoon you can watch MSU Coach Dan Mullen audition for another, higher profile, gig.  He will not even be subtle about this, and who can blame him?  Only those who have never been to Starkville, that’s who.
  • - More Gators, more Bulldogs, more boredom, until 4:30 when Jeffrey, Robertson, Lattimore, and the HBC take over the ballroom.  All three of the Gamecock players are humble, quiet, and understated (except for on the gridiron) so don’t expect much in the way of quips and quotes.  That’s what Steve Spurrier is there for, after all.
  • - The day ends with someone named Fletcher Cox from MSU.  But really, does anyone think the ballroom will remain occupied after the HBC wraps his comments?  Its like having Springsteen as your opening act – everyone will be spent before you take the stage.  I don’t know this Cox fellow, but someone at the SEC front office hates his ass.

Clemson Recruiting Video

Some things write themselves. 

And other things need help from EDSBS. 

Combine things that write themselves with help from EDSBS, and you get…

THIS.

What You Don’t Know About the New Uniforms

Have you seen them yet?  The first pictures of the 2011 edition football uniforms hit the web this week.  Opinions in the twitter/blog/webboard-a-sphere have been mixed.  Some think the new unis are clean, modern designs that will motivate our players and attract fashion-forward recruits.  Others think the new duds are more evidence that the UA corporate overlords are secretly obsessed with the Louisville Cardinals, circa 1999.

In case you haven’t seen them yet, take a gander:

l-r: WR D.L.Moore, OT Kyle Nunn, TE Justice Cunningham

We here at TRC did some digging, talked with some of our sources, poked around a little, and compiled the follow list of little known facts about our new Under Armour Uniforms:

  • Kyle Nunn is not actually wearing the garnet uniform – its just a cardboard cutout he is standing behind.
  • Under Armour is apparently itching for patent infringement litigation with the Sarah Blakely Corporation, maker of Spanx.
  • The sleeve stripes were inspired by a beach umbrella the HBC saw while in Destin last summer.
  • Justice Cunnigham’s mom agreed to take him to the arcade if he would “just try on the [expletive deleted] clothes first.”
  • Strength and Conditioning Coach Craig Fitzgerald insisted that barbed wire be sown into the inseams – this is obvious by looking at the face of the three players, but the purpose is unknown..
  • The numbers and the CAROLINA are both in a new, proprietary font that USC hopes to standardize across all sports called “machine” (this is actually true).
  • The machine font was first introduced in the high score screen of KC Munchkin’s Crazy Chase on the Odyssey 2 Videogame platform.
  • The extra long belts were mandated by the SEC in the wake of Marcus Lattimore’s 2010 dismantling of the Georgia Bulldogs, and are officially referred to as “Bacari Rambo Tackling Assistance Handles.”
  • Yes, the black version has equestrian riding pants complete with saddle-hugging side billows (riding crop not shown).
  •  This photo was not taken in the Williams-Brice home lockerrroom.  That’s actually the changing room at Aeropostale in the Columbiana Mall.
  • The dye used for the uniform material has the unfortunate side effect of making all human hair spontaneously fall out 8 seconds after contact.  Note that Justice was the last to don the uniform, doing so approximately 7 seconds prior to the taking of this photo.
  • Also note the absence of the SEC badge on the jerseys.  This is a sign that the conference still has some sense.  This writer is encouraged thereby that all hope is not lost, and TAMU will never be invited to join the league.
  • In the packing list was a note from the UA design team that said “lulz lulz lulz, we trollz youz.”  No one knows what this means.
  • Further explanation on the UA logo – its not initials, its a side view of butt cheeks, which gives you a good idea of their opinion of us all.
  • As bad of an abomination these unis are, they don’t even approach the eye-assaulting purple nonsense of the CTU Nikes.
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